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5 Bumps

I'm curious....

I met my boyfriend of two years when I was 19. He was 29. He told me about a relationship he was in for 10 years, and how they were high school sweethearts...

I had a conversation with my mom today. She asked me why don't I date someone my age. She says that these two were 3 years apart, they grew together. But that's not the case with me and him. That
I'm growing alone, while he already experienced life, first true love, marriage, etc.

Seems like she's trying to say is he's taking my youth, and I can't get anything in return. He's 31 now. He's a grown man! He spent most of his life with someone... All he knew was his ex wife. I feel like she's trying to say, he will never love me like he loved this true?

He's my first true love... I know I'm not his because 10 years has got to be love right? But will he ever love me like he loved her?! Could he ever love me more? My mom says I'm young and nieve... Is she saying in other words.... Find someone my age, he's "damaged goods".

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:50 PM on Apr. 5, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (14)
  • How the hell would we know?

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 9:52 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

  • Butterflyblue....
    Hmmmm. Maybe by experience? Maybe just an opinion, what you believe.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:57 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

  • I'm not a mind reader. ASK him

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 10:00 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

  • I've been in your EXACT shoes before. I hate to tell you this, but your mom is right. I didn't want to believe it then, too. Actually, my advice came from my academic adviser at the time who was more like a friend. She said that there will be several more boyfriends and the 1st one always means so much but it wouldn't last. I regret the years I wasted on that bastard. Focus on finishing college, which will be the BIGGEST gift to yourself and the BEST investment. Once it's out of the way, THEN explore relationships. When you're 20, you feel like you have forever, but the years run by fast. At around 25, things you'll really lose energy. Date around (see more than 1 person, not sleep w/them) after college. Everyone I know who is successful (lawyers, managers, execs) pretty much did this sequence: college, get job, date around, save up money, meet & marry the Right One around age 27-32, be happy debt free ever after.

    Answer by hellokittykat at 10:21 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

  • The age and stage of life difference is real. From a psychological perspective, humans also develop through stages. Just look up Erick Erickson's stages of development. Basically, each decade, you'll have different goals and needs. If your age range doesn't match up, there's a high chance, there will be problems in the relationship in the future. The problem is that YOU may be mature for a 20yr old but HE is immature for his age. That's why you're together now, because his mental age is that of a 20 yr old. His immaturity is a huge RED FLAG. I've run into that ex a few times and also heard news of him from other people, and he's still immature. He got married but he plays video games all day, doesn't want to help out around the house, doesn't want to get a job/can't keep one & his younger wife was divorcing him. She lost her years and 20-30 range is the time where you shouldn't be wasting it on someone who is a "maybe."

    Answer by hellokittykat at 10:31 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

  • Crazy how you mentioned that.
    I was wondering myself what a 31 year old man was doing with a 21 year old!!

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:37 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

  • If I could send you a videotape of my life up until now, I would! You'd get to see how it all played out if you stayed with him...but why do that when you can just believe it on faith and save yourself the trouble? Date around and the true love will still be there or come back in 10 years. Most people I know met their spouses in college. I went back to college a bit older so I didn't have as great a connection to the other students. For every year you grow older, it takes him 10x as long to meet your rate of mental growth. My advice is to enjoy your 20s just making friends, going to school, going to parties and finding out about yourself. Perhaps even take a psychology class to help you understand it. The 1st love breakup is always the worst but everyone goes through that. You find out that you're stronger than you thought you were. Friends last longer than most relationships. Message me anytime if you have more questions!

    Answer by hellokittykat at 10:45 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

  • Dh and I are 14 years apart and there is no doubt in my mind that he loves me. He has been married before but they just got married because they were expecting and thought it was the right thing to do. Most everyone is going to have an ex spouse or bf/gf that they loved or thought they loved. That part shouldn't be a deal breaker.

    I don't know this guy so I can't really give you any advice though.

    Answer by Hollyhock. at 10:51 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

  • I wouldn't say that a simple age diffeence is the determining factor in how much someone loves you. It's true that you may be at differing stages of development in your adult lives, and that can create problems. But plenty of relationships where the people are closer in age also have problems. Just because your boyfriend loved his ex, that doesn't mean he can't love you as much, just in a different way. I have an ex husband and a boyfriend, and I've loved both of them very much, neither one more or less than the other. Now if he isn't over his ex, that's another story. When I first started dating after my divorce, I had to break off a relationship because I found I was using the new guy as a stand-in for my ex, which wasn't fair to the new guy. But if your boyfriend hashealed from that break-up, there's no reason he can't give his heart to you just because he's loved and lost before.

    Answer by Ballad at 11:23 PM on Apr. 5, 2013

  • Every individual person is different. I think, generally speaking, a 31 year old and a 21 year old are at very different points in their lives, looking for different things and maybe not on the same level in terms of maturity, but I also think there are exceptions to that. I have a friend who is 34 and her husband is 24, and he's an awesome husband to her - he's accepted her 2 daughters as his own and they are really happy together.

    I would say though, that if you're questioning the relationship (wondering why he's with you, wondering if he can love you as much as he loved her, etc.), that might be your subconscious trying to tell you that maybe this relationship isn't going to work out, or isn't the best one for you to be in.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:10 AM on Apr. 6, 2013

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