Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

3 Bumps

Just wondering if I should suck it up and apologize to my mother?

My mother won't speak to me till I apologize to her for hurting her feelings and walking out on her the other day. I have been stubborn and not wanting to give in but now my son is upset because he wants to see her and it's been a week. She usually takes the kids every weekend and talks to them on the phone during the week but I just haven't been willing to give in, now I wonder if I should for the sake of my kids. This is what happened that started the issue.

Easter Sunday my mom was saying how she gets down and plays with the kids and they have fun together and she asked me if I remembered when she did the same with me. I told her no not really, what I remember was when I was older, after my parents divorced, she worked 2 jobs, was tired all the time and had issues with my teenage sisters being a pain in the butt so she was stressed all the time. I mostly just went in my room and watched TV alone.

Monday she tells me that that upset her that I said that to her and that she was not able to sleep all Sunday night and she asked if I thought she had been a bad mother? I said no, but that I just didn't remember that far back, my parents divorced when I was 5 years old. She told me well when you were little I took you and your sisters to an amusement park and I was in so much pain that I had to take aspirin all day and almost ODd on it and I did that all for YOU and your father even refused to go with me and help me.

Then she brought up when I supposedly locked my younger cousin in the back room and caused my mom and her brother to have a falling out and she said that she was dis-invited to Christmas diner over that and that was because of me. Again I was about 5 years old and don't even remember that. Then she told me that she was always upset and stressed because my room was a mess and I got bad grades and I didn't help with chores and I just stayed in my room all the time and ignored everyone.

Then she stared telling me that shes sorry (sarcastically) that I felt I had such a terrible child hood but maybe if I had done what I was told and got good grades she would have been a better mother. I told her, I never said you were a bad mom I said I don't remember anything from my early years.
After that she started bad mouthing my father who is now dead, and blaming him for all her stress and saying that she resented the fact that he and I had a better relationship. I was like well, we went swimming, fishing duck hunting, went to the races, watched wrestling, and all you ever did was yell at me and insult me and make me wear pink frilly dresses lol.

By then she was in tears and yelling at me in front of my kids and just getting hysterical so I just got up got my kids together and left. As I was walking away she shouted "You cant take criticism very well can you!" I didn't fight back cause I know that's what she wanted and I wasn't going to play her games but the fact that she hasn't called and is now ignoring me tells me she is still mad and won't give in till I apologize for calling her a "bad mother" which I don't feel that I did. I was just being honest, but now I don't know what to do.
The kids love her but I don't think I should be the one to say I'm sorry because I'm really not. I don't think I did anything wrong. Anyway, vent over. Thanks for listening/reading.

 
AnonNdrag

Asked by AnonNdrag at 3:37 PM on Apr. 6, 2013 in Relationships

Level 19 (7,783 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (20)
  • I had problems like this with my mom, she & I had a falling out a year ago, and she has not spoke to me or my family in a year, until this week, after seeing me at walmart last Friday & not speaking to me other than her nasty reply of "do you care" after I spoke to her & ask her how she doing, 4 days later she called me & said we need to talk & work things out & forget the past & get along. My guess is it must have bothered her that she seen me in the walmart & I spoke to her and she treated me like that. So we are talking now, I talked to her on the phone 3 days this week, and she came up to our house on Tuesday to see us & see my son's new house, I went down to her house yesterday to visit awhile, and she is coming up today to attend my grandson's birthday party. Mom lives next door to us.
    mamabear484

    Answer by mamabear484 at 7:57 AM on Apr. 7, 2013

  • I would suck it up for the kids. Yeah, it doesn't sound like you did anything to be sorry for, but for the sake of your kids, you could at least try. Sorry you are having to deal with this drama.
    kmath

    Answer by kmath at 3:42 PM on Apr. 6, 2013

  • You don't have to apologize for what you said, but you can still apologize that what you said hurt her feelings. My guess is that what you spoke to her she knew contained a lot of truth, and it did hurt, because the truth always does. You can make peace with her without taking back a single thing you said, and your children can get to see their grandmother. Life is too short to hold grudges, so choose your words carefully and let her know you didn't intentionally set out to make her feel bad. Of course, there is the fact too that your dad had time to do all those fun things with you when you were visiting him, while your mom had the day-to-day responsibility for you and your siblings. It wasn't an ideal situation for any of you, so you can be understanding of the stressfulness of it for her. Just smooth it over and make peace with her. Again, you don't have to take back what you said!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 3:47 PM on Apr. 6, 2013

  • I would not apologize. I would tell her again that you did not tell her that she was a bad mother, that you do not think she is a bad mother. But the way she is acting is not how a good mother would act and when she gets herself under control, you will be happy to talk to her again.

    Then I would tell my kids that grandma is having a bit of a hard time right now and that when she feels better she will call.

    Been there... done that.
    SleepingBeautee

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 3:49 PM on Apr. 6, 2013

  • You are such a horrible daughter for not being able to remember what happened before you started school! How could you do that to her?
    You know you're going to burn in Hell, right?

    On a serious note- has she always had problems letting go of past disappointments/ resentments etc.? Because this stuff happened at least 15 or more years ago.

    And she is at least 35+ years, yes? Could she be going through the change or dealing with some mental issues?
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 3:56 PM on Apr. 6, 2013

  • If your kids are missing her and want to see her then she must be a good grandparent. How each of you remember the past may differ. A single Mom working two jobs and raising kids it not easy and very stressful. I agree just apologize for hurting her feelings. If your kids spend the weekends with her and have fun she is doing something right!
    DJDNY

    Answer by DJDNY at 4:07 PM on Apr. 6, 2013

  • I wish I could tell you with all honesty to go fix it some how with your mom. My two DDs do not talk to me either. The oldest doesn't because she say I was a bad mom and I need physiological help. She doe notwant my grandsons to be around me. I don't even know them.  My youngest just stoped talking to me. She was staying with us and then she deided to go back to her DH. Now she is saying the same thing my oldest is saying. 


    If you refuse to fix your relationship with your mom. You need to tell your kids they will never see her.  For_______________ reason.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 3:54 PM on Apr. 6, 2013

  • I feel sorry for her. I feel what you said spoke truth to her. While you didn't say she was a bad mother maybe that's how she felt herself. If it were my mother I would apologize. I'm not a single mother but i can imagine how hard it would be. I dont feel you said anything wrong Is it that bad to just say mom I don't remember a lot as a child but I appreciate you and what you've done for me and your a great grandmother?
    skinnyslokita

    Answer by skinnyslokita at 6:20 PM on Apr. 6, 2013

  • lol I'm 35....my mom is 68!
    lol- i couldnt remember if you were a young mom or nearer to my age group. i was trying to be delicate :)

    you could lay down a few ground rules i.e.
    if you begin to become abusive (refer to the incident above) i am going to have to take the kids and leave because i want them to only have happy memories of you. (and toss this in " She isn't a bad mom, she is a loving and caring mom")

    You could apologize like this. "I am sorry my not remembering the time we...hurt your feelings. That wasn't my intent"
    that way she gets the apology and you admit no wrong?
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 6:40 PM on Apr. 6, 2013

  • I totally see where you are coming from, but the longer it's left to fester the worse off you all are. You can be true to yourself, while also smoothing over this rough patch. So do that. If you truly do not feel she was a bad mom, tell her that and let her know you walked out because she was yelling in front of the kids and that's not ok. You may not be in the wrong, but she is the injured party. Make a call to her. :)
    tessiedawg

    Answer by tessiedawg at 8:17 PM on Apr. 6, 2013