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3 Bumps

I don't know how to feel

I thought having a female friend that visits me would be awesome. I have a friend that lives 2 hours away and so she brings her son here occasionally to visit for a few days at a time. It made me incredibly happy that I finally had a friend, but now I just don't know. My husband has taken it upon himself to go from joking, to inappropriate joking, to basically seeming as though he's trying to get in her pants. Whenever I'm not in the room, my friend tells me later that my husband was grabbing or slapping her butt, or rubbing on her... etc. I know for a fact that once when I was in the kitchen, he shut and locked our bedroom door and pulled her down on top of him on the bed...

I keep telling him that I'm not ok with that... and have asked him not to do stuff like it... but he keeps doing it anyway, and I'm afraid that he's going to cheat on me someday if he is bold enough to be doing stuff like that when I'm around...

I don't even know how to feel... Whenever I address it with him, he says he'd never sleep with her... he says I'm the only one he ever wants to be with... but his actions seem to say otherwise. I'm starting to feel so lonely... and I hate that he's doing this to my friend. She says that the only reason she puts up with it is because he's my husband, and if he was any other guy she would have hurt him already. :(

I don't know what to do...

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Squeekerz

Asked by Squeekerz at 2:58 AM on Apr. 7, 2013 in Relationships

Level 5 (89 Credits)
Answers (25)
  •  he shut and locked our bedroom door and pulled her down on top of him on the bed...


    WOW. He has SERIOUS issues. He is acting VERY inappropriately.  I suggest that you don't invite her over anymore and only go to her place if you want to spend time with her.  However, the more important issue is that this is a HUGE RED FLAG that your husband is untrustworthy.  He has no respect for you at all. If he's doing this in front of you while you're at home, imagine what he's doing when you're not there or when he's somewhere else. Please get tested for STDs regularly. Also, do not have anymore kids w/him. Be super safe and get on birth control pill. This issue is beyond repair in my opinion. This is his true desire to be with another woman. If this happened in the workplace, it would be sexual harassment. Please consider divorce ASAP! You deserve so much better!

    hellokittykat

    Answer by hellokittykat at 3:06 AM on Apr. 7, 2013

  • Have her hurt him, he's a jerk! I know he is your hubby, but he is totally disrespecting you! I would say he has already cheated on you, if this is how he acts when you're around! You do not deserve this, get some counseling and give him an ultimatum. Your marriage can not survive like this. I know you love him, but he is doing you wrong.
    ggsmom333

    Answer by ggsmom333 at 3:10 AM on Apr. 7, 2013

  • I don't know of any woman that would put up with this. Do not settle for this kind of disrespectful treatment. It makes sense why you feel this way...because he is betraying you! Please learn to listen to your instincts and treat yourself better. I am still in shock that you are still with him. I would have left him in a heartbeat. These type of men don't change. You would be looking toward a future of misery and heartache with someone who doesn't care at all about your feelings. Words are cheap. Actions DO speak louder. Please consider seeing a counselor to help plan your escape and to make sure you are not a victim of his games any more.
    hellokittykat

    Answer by hellokittykat at 3:12 AM on Apr. 7, 2013

  • So I guess this is worth bringing up with my counselor then? I'm just so afraid of being alone, and he sounds so sincere when he tells me that he only wants to be with me... He tells me that he's joking, and he does have an insanely inappropriate sense of humor... But part of me really doesn't feel that he is joking if he does stuff behind my back.

    I don't want to doubt my friend, who tells me these things... 'cause why would she lie about it? I confront him and tell him what she's said, and he acts shocked, like it never happened... I know I promised myself that I'd leave him if he cheated... but he hasn't yet... so I don't know what to do... I don't want to leave him.. it makes me want to cry just thinking about it... but it isn't fair that I cant' even have a female friend without having to worry about him...

    I can't visit her because I don't drive. :( So unless she comes here, I'll never get to see her.
    Squeekerz

    Comment by Squeekerz (original poster) at 3:31 AM on Apr. 7, 2013

  • YES, tell your counselor!!! If she is your only friend, you need her. Let her do what she feels necessary for herself to get him to stop. Someone strong willed needs to put him in his place! In the mean time, forget about him and concentrate on you and counseling. When you feel better about yourself you will be able to see what everyone else sees. Once you are stronger you won't want to be with him. You'll realize you deserve better and kick him to the curb (HUGS)
    ggsmom333

    Answer by ggsmom333 at 3:40 AM on Apr. 7, 2013

  • My friend tries to tell him to quit, as have I. He just doesn't, 'cause we haven't gotten stern enough for him I guess. I should tell her to go ahead and hurt him, since she said he's teetering on the line with her.

    .... it just hurts me to think he could feel ok doing these things... even when I tell him to stop...
    Squeekerz

    Comment by Squeekerz (original poster) at 3:44 AM on Apr. 7, 2013

  • Of course it hurts...he is being extremely hurtful to you. Just keep going to counseling. You need to respect yourself. We teach people how to treat us. You aren't ready, yet. You have to learn your worth first. But, with counseling and belief in yourself, you'll get there. Good Luck & (HUGS)
    ggsmom333

    Answer by ggsmom333 at 3:54 AM on Apr. 7, 2013

  • I don't know if I'll ever learn my worth, to be honest. I've been in counseling for 7 years.
    Squeekerz

    Comment by Squeekerz (original poster) at 4:00 AM on Apr. 7, 2013

  • Well it is no wonder you haven't learned it yet. You've been with someone who treats you like shit! I would keep my mouth shut and prepare to leave with your counselor and friend. Do you have family you can go to? Can you stay with the friend you are referring to in your post? You need to get away from him, but you need to be stronger and plan.... he is not going to change unless he has an epiphany...which, I don't see happening.
    ggsmom333

    Answer by ggsmom333 at 4:04 AM on Apr. 7, 2013

  • My friend lives 2 hours away and she doesn't have a job :( As for family, I'm sure my mom would take me back in if she knew about this....
    Squeekerz

    Comment by Squeekerz (original poster) at 4:17 AM on Apr. 7, 2013

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