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4 Bumps

My husband wanted to make a toast at his daughter's wedding

He chose a wine for her wedding that was from a winery that he and his ex wife toured when she was pregnant with this daughter. The winery owner came out and made a big deal over her beauty and glowing quality with her pregnancy. My husband wanted to tell this story and wax poetic over it. I told him that is a beautiful and romantic memory of a story to tell to everyone IF HE WAS STILL MARRIED TO HER. Their marriage quickly became unhappy after the children and she ended the marriage with an affair and leaving for this other man when their kids were adults. I told him this toast would make me feel like chopped liver while also making the guests at the wedding think about the fact that he sounds like he's still in love with her while she was not with him and left him.

I know most of you will think I'm selfish for thinking of my own feelings. But he did change his mind when we spoke and will not be giving this speech. I spoke with his other adult daughter about it and she thought it was a nice memory but we agreed it would be a nicer story coming from her mom to her daughter. So the mom will tell the marrying daughter the same story at the wedding shower with all girls toasting with the same wine. Do you think it was off base for me to tell my husband I was uncomfortable with the content of the wedding toast?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:40 AM on Apr. 9, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (25)
  • How the ex wife will frame it at the shower is that the winery owner came up to her and told her she was beautiful and glowing in her pregnancy with her daughter. I think a fine story to share between mother and daughter. Very appropriate. She's speaking of her own pregnancy with her daughter who will most likely be pregnant in the coming year.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:41 AM on Apr. 9, 2013

  • So, the basic thrust of the story is "Your mom was so excited to be pregnant and have you that a complete stranger could tell", and you're jealous of that? You're jealous that he wants his grown daughter to know that she is and always has been loved? That's how it comes across to me.

    Unless he's going to stand there, saying "I wish we were still together because she was always so beautiful and gorgeous and wow, I miss those days", I don't really see it as a problem.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 11:43 AM on Apr. 9, 2013

  • I think everyone would understand that those were happier times and that both you and your DH had a life before you met each other. That doesn't negate your relationship or marriage. It might make you feel a little awkward, but the story is about a happy time and how his daughter came to be. The story isn't as much about the ex wife as it is about the daughter and his story of her. If the story was about how happy and in love he was with the ex then I can see where the discomfort comes from. If it's about his dreams of his child to be's future and life and his place in her heart, then it's really a story about a father and daughter. It's nice that he is respecting your wishes, but hopefully it's not at a high cost to him. This only happens once. He should do what the bride is comfortable with.

    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 11:50 AM on Apr. 9, 2013

  • sorry you're pathetic.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 11:58 AM on Apr. 9, 2013

  • It was a no-brainer for him to not make the speech. He didn't feel he was giving anything up. When I spelled it out to him, he got it and doesn't feel like he's keeping anything from his daughter. He might talk about the story in private with her which I'm perfectly fine with. But he agreed the the public speech/toast about it was not a good idea after he thought about it. He'll still give a heart warming toast - but about something else. He has a wonderfully close relationship with his daughter - but she is not at all close with her mom and never was.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:07 PM on Apr. 9, 2013

  • I'm with you. I'm a second wife too. That would bother me and I understand how you feel. Glad he changed his mind about the toast.
    kathyartist2007

    Answer by kathyartist2007 at 12:23 PM on Apr. 9, 2013

  • That is a memory of happier times for them something that has happened he should be allowed to tell the story because on her day this is the proof at one time her parents did love each other. This is a memory that has happened it is in the ether. This is not a bad story but a good memory.
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 12:30 PM on Apr. 9, 2013

  • IMO the toast should be about the daughter, and her new life she's embarking on, not about what he and her mother were doing when she was pregnant with their daughter... It should be about how proud he is of her, etc.... I hate it when people make things about them, and not what it's supposed to be about.
    I think you're right in how you feel about it. It's selfish of him to make the toast about him, and his ex, it should only be about who he is toasting.
    MrsLeftlane

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 12:36 PM on Apr. 9, 2013

  • The story isn't really about the daughter, it's about his ex "glowing".... Not appropriate.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 12:38 PM on Apr. 9, 2013

  • I can see how you would have felt awkward, but I would have left it up to the daughter who was getting married. Weddings would be a lot less stressful if people besides the bride and groom kept their own feelings and agendas out of the mix.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 12:52 PM on Apr. 9, 2013

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