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Dilemma,with two friends who are dating.. somethings bad got said but wondering..

I'm good friends,with two people that are dating well today the one said something which was downright mean.
She did not tell me to keep it in confidence but should something be said out of care for the other person?

We were talking about relationships..have more than once.
Again..She went into telling me about his faults.. from his OCD to the fact,he is not deserving to have kids because he is kinda slow & that was the start of it.
I feel based on other conversation factors,she is with him for the fact just to not be alone.. use him,for his disability money.
She dropped out of technical school,working since being with him. (he did not make her,do that.)
She has kids,numerous baby fathers & only has some custody of one.. yet,she feels he does not deserve to be a dad.
She does not,want to be married to him.
He loves her & he is going to waste time on her.
The guy is very generous & giving.. He was willing to help a friend by being a donor,to have kids so her & her hubby could be parents.
He knows the importance of family & all that is stands for.. pretty smart,for being dumb,like she claims he is.
She said these people are dumb,to consider using him.. you can't trust,how the kid would turn out.
Although,when she needs a sitter for her one child she uses this person she talks bad about?

Now all this being,said where does your friendship stand on staying quiet?
I told her,if she is complaining that much why stay or talk to him but never happens?
So,in a way feel it falls on me to say something but in a sensitive manner for all parties best interests..
Otherwise,i'm just as bad like she is,for not being honest to many problems going on.

So,ideas what to do,say or not do?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 10:56 PM on Apr. 9, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (17)
  • a lot of phones have features on them that let you record conversations, That is what I would do and then let him hear it for himself.

    Answer by Dardenella at 11:00 PM on Apr. 9, 2013

  • Dardenella.. I have it,all on our instant message chat. However,is that overstepping a friendship? which is,what i'm wondering.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:02 PM on Apr. 9, 2013

  • I think it is overstepping the friendship. I agree that he should know and would encourage her to stop using him and to be honest with him. But if you say anything to him or show him the messages, you will lose her as a friend.

    Answer by tempsingl3mom at 11:07 PM on Apr. 9, 2013

  • So why is she with a "slow" guy? Is she using him?

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 11:09 PM on Apr. 9, 2013

  • I don't want to cause drama.However, feel.. when someone,is making fun of a disability & not for reasons of abuse or being a bad boyfriend..Which if that was,the case why stay versus leaving but this is not the case.. so,it's purely mean on her part.
    Therefore,what type of person do I become to not stand up for what is also right ? .. makes me feel,deceptive in a way like her to what they,really are.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:13 PM on Apr. 9, 2013

  • Wow. That would be a tough decision for me. You might lose the woman as a friend, but if it were me, I'd probably show the guy the conversations. Better he gets a broken heart now than later, after he's given her everything he can and probably then some.

    Answer by Ballad at 11:16 PM on Apr. 9, 2013

  • She is,using him.. He is to nice,to realize it. He is just happy to be with someone,who wants to be with him.. He just does not get,all going on.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:16 PM on Apr. 9, 2013

  • Sometimes people talk a particular way out of insecurity/shame. They compulsively "downplay" their relationship, commitment or feelings when talking, because they perceive flaws in the partner & they're concerned about being judged negatively by others. They don't want to be viewed as "settling" or having low standards. (Seems perverse that they wouldn't feel mortified at seeming shallow, fake, harsh, or false/a user! But it's about self image, and they are so emotionally enmeshed as to see the other person as an extension of themselves, or literally reflecting on them. So whatever is perceived as less than "ideal" in the other person triggers actual personal shame in them!)
    One of my husband's high school friends has issues like this. Even in his forties! He's sweet & good-looking, and dated a really great woman who is attractive but very real (meaning, no supermodel.) I think he was happy with her

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:16 PM on Apr. 9, 2013

  • I would tell her exactly what you just posted.....then tell her she has x amount of time before you say something to him. I agree with what you are saying but it would be much better if she just broke it off with him.

    Answer by tempsingl3mom at 11:16 PM on Apr. 9, 2013

  • but it was like he couldn't stand being who he was & liking who he liked--he was so driven by what others might be thinking. (Even though we love him, liked her TONS and were so happy that he was with somebody sweet and sincere, who seemed to care about him genuinely!) I felt so sad about it, because he was vacationing with married friend who gave him positive feedback and his response was, "Yeah, but she's really not up to my standards." With him it was about the physical ("perfection" of some kind being the standard, the kind of woman he thought men would envy him for being with) but I've heard people minimize relationships when they feel someone's intellect isn't "up to" their "usual standards."

    It's just about them & their insecurity/shame. It may not even be their actual feelings, just shame at "what others might think." VERY sad!!

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:20 PM on Apr. 9, 2013

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