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I have an out of control 20 year old.

He lives in my house and I have to kick people out at 3am chase him down when hes on something. Hes been in trouble with the law. Hes dependant on us for rides to anything and treasts us like were here to do for him. He is my step son so i fight with his dad alot about my feelings and his. I feel like leaving my house. I have a 18 and 15 year old and the 15 year old esp. is getting all the worst advice and seeing what the 20 year old is always doing. Im sick about it.What in the world do I do. His dad refuses the get out solution. Take away his ride to work or court but that won't help either of us. I just want to know how to make him think about others.

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Asked by Mibarra at 2:01 AM on Apr. 10, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 3 (14 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • It's kind of late to ask. He didn't just get this way over night. To really find the reason behind his behavior, it would require a lot of background info on his childhood, how he grew up, his medical history, and home environment. It seems though that you have been enabling his behavior by allowing him to get to this point to begin with. Don't allow him any privileges until he's earned it. No rides, no allowance, no friends over, NOTHING until he starts helping out around the house. If you can afford to, get him into counseling especially for the drug use. Go on YouTube and watch some episodes of the World's Strictest Parents to get some ideas on how to deal with out of control kids. You might even consider nominating your child for that show if it's possible. Reading some self-help parenting books can also help you when you're at your wits end and have no one else to talk to. Good luck!

    Answer by hellokittykat at 2:11 AM on Apr. 10, 2013

  • P.S. What I've observed is that parents that have low expectations of their kids, tend to have kids that perform to that expectation. So, the higher your expectations and the stricter you enforce your rules, the more likely the kids will behave better and know who is in charge. You are letting the kids get control and you, as the parent, must always maintain control. If he doesn't want to abide by your rules, then he can find his own ride and home. He's considered an adult now, so you no longer have an obligation to let him live there. His living there is now a privilege.

    Answer by hellokittykat at 2:14 AM on Apr. 10, 2013

  • Who's letting his friends come over? How does he invite them? Cell phone? Who pays for that? Computer? He didn't buy it with his own money.
    Spell it out for his dad in big letters: ENABLER!

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 2:15 AM on Apr. 10, 2013

  • Tough love step momma! Tell your hubby to get control or the possibility of ID'ing his body at the morgue. It sounds like he has been this way for a long time, and his dad doesn't care, or gave up. Tell your step son to get a job and help pay for stuff at home. Give him a time frame, doesn't do it, kick his ass out.
    ":I just want to know how to make him think about others."OP
    This should have been taught to him while he was still a child. He is an adult, he needs to start learning that. And you should not have to leave your own damn house. And if you raised your 15 yr old right, and he knows the difference between right and wrong, I wouldn't worry about it. But if the 20 yr old ends up in jail, IMO, I would leave him there. One of his "friends" can bail him out.

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 2:22 AM on Apr. 10, 2013

  • It will only get worse. Mine is 26 now and I'm convinced the ass hat will never leave. He's so enabled. If I had to do it all over again I would have ran years ago.


    Answer by PandaGwen at 8:14 AM on Apr. 10, 2013

  • I say that your husband needs to do something, if he won't it is time for you to go.

    Answer by jerseydiva at 8:33 AM on Apr. 10, 2013

  • tell your husband it's either you or it's immature adult child.

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 9:17 AM on Apr. 10, 2013

  • I would say think of your kids first. Do what is right for them. Seeing this and the stress it is causing isn't good for anyone. Kids are very impressionable and need good role models. If your husband isn't doing anything they are learning its ok to be selfish and immature. Since you are helpless with that situation, move on and focus on the two kids, so this doesn't happen to them.

    Answer by ggsmom333 at 9:18 AM on Apr. 10, 2013

  • If the father refuses the "get out" solution what alternative does he propose? None? Then out he goes ...

    Answer by winterglow at 9:27 AM on Apr. 10, 2013

  • You can't make him think about or consider others. I can only think of one solution to save your kids from his influence and that doesn't sound like something you were wanting to explore.


    Answer by QuinnMae at 9:37 AM on Apr. 10, 2013

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