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Possibly the biggest lie my ex has ever told.

My ex is a pretty bad liar. This whole thing is a long story so I'll try to make it short.

First huge lie: I didn't smoke when we were dating but he did. When the subject of marriage came up I said I'd never marry a smoker. He claimed he quit, we got married. Several months later I found out he was doing it behind my back. I suspected it but he kept denying it.

Second huge lie: He told me he was ready to start a family. We talked it over and decided to start trying. I got pregnant really quick, like the next time I ovulated quick. His response when I told him: "that was quick." He seemed happy about it though. Two months later he acted like he didn't want anything to do with me. At the time he was living with his mom and I lived in a trailer. He had no phone so I couldn't contact him. (the living apart thing is a long story) He hasn't really ever been there for us and tried to deny our son was his.

Now recently he's acted like he wants us back in his life. He's being really nice and coming to see our son regularly. Although we are divorced now I'd consider taking him back if he told me exactly why he treated me like he did when I was pregnant and after. of course he'd have to apologize and prove that I could trust him again.

That is where the problem is this time. Someone told him I was cheating and he believed them without even giving me the chance to defend myself. This person doesn't really know me and I'm not sure where they got their story. I didn't cheat. I don't believe that story. Then he told me he couldn't pay child support for a long time because he had testicular cancer and had a lot of medical bills because he didn't have insurance. He described some kind of pills he was prescribed that were very expensive, made him very sick, and could barely go to work. Supposedly these pills shrunk the cancer and it's in remission now.

I'm calling bullshit because everything I've been reading about testicular cancer and it seems there are 3 treatments: surgery, radiation, and chemo. He didn't have surgery. He said nothing about radiation. He couldn't have had chemo because he still has hair. There's no chance it could have grown back because he has very long hair.

I think he's lying to save face. He seems genuine in wanting us back, but why lie? I want to confront him but I'm not sure how.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 4:31 AM on Apr. 16, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • Well, just addressing your reasons for calling bullshit, I know one musician who had traditional medical treatment for throat cancer including regular chemotherapy & never lost his long blond hair. The other thing is that there is the possibility of using "targeted chemo" with some cancers, in which the drug attacks the cancer cells only, and thus doesn't have the same side effects associated with systemic cancer treatments. I do not know if this is an option with testicular cancer but it is with bladder cancer (no nausea, no hair loss, no fatigue, etc.)
    So I wouldn't automatically conclude that he is lying based on your reasoning.
    Obviously, you have a lot of doubt or mistrust, and that is something to address. It may be worthwhile to try to reconcile & work things out, but I would try to do that with the support of a counselor. Your doubts could be aired openly without accusations/defensiveness in a constructive way, there.

    Answer by girlwithC at 6:19 AM on Apr. 16, 2013

  • I have heard of cases where people didn't lose their hair to chemo. I'm sure it's not common, but maybe he's one of the rare people who don't? And although you found the common treatments for testicular cancer, maybe his was such that he used some experimental treatment? I know that I had an uncle (different kind of cancer) who used an experimental treatment - for him, it was when he'd done everything else, and was making a last ditch effort. But I would imagine if the cancer wasn't very advanced, it might also be an option.

    But whether or not he had cancer isn't really the point here. The point is that you don't trust him, apparently with good reason. I think, if you can't trust him, there's not much point in taking him back, even if he apologizes and explains things. Is the explanation really going to be enough to rebuild your trust in him?

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:01 AM on Apr. 16, 2013

  • why the hell even give him a chance after how he treated you in the past? Why give him a chance when you know he's a huge liar? and again why the hell give him a chance when he refused to pay child support???? Sorry you will be a huge idiot if you take him back.

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 9:12 AM on Apr. 16, 2013

  • Have you ever heard of a pathological liar? If you don't know what that is, look it up. It sounds to me like this dude enjoys the thrill of seeing if he can get you to believe his lies. I hope you will stay far, far away from him.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:13 AM on Apr. 16, 2013

  • Why would you even consider taking him back when he denied that your child is his?

    There is a saying that goes 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.'

    I am not saying that some people don't deserve a second chance, but he's had more chances than he deserves and continues to disappoint you.  Learn from it.  You allowing him to come into your life (and the life of your child) and do the same thing will just show your son that this is normal behavior.  He will continue the cycle if you don't break it for him.


    Answer by QuinnMae at 9:27 AM on Apr. 16, 2013

  • Why bother?
    I understand that you want closure, but that doesn't require re-kindling the relationship.

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 12:28 PM on Apr. 16, 2013

  • Honestly, I'd just steer clear. He sounds untrustworthy to me, and how can you build a relationship with an untrustworthy person?

    Answer by Ballad at 2:12 PM on Apr. 16, 2013

  • GirlwithC and wendythewriter, I hope it's something like that. I really don't want him to be lying. I am going to make him show me proof before I totally believe it. I would feel terrible if I accused him of being a liar if he isn't .

    I know what a pathological liar is. Pathological truth stretchers too. I've know for a long time that he makes things up. I don't mind so much the little lies. The ones that turn my life upside down are the problem. I know he's not perfect but neither am I.. I have full blown borderline personality disorder and I'm not easy to live with. I know I have problems and there is no easy cure. It's more trying to control my own mind and reason with myself.

    Anyway I'm not diving into it too fast. I'll give him a chance to prove himself witch means no screwups for the next 2 years.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 3:56 PM on Apr. 17, 2013

  • It will probably be closer to 3 though. I am starting school in the fall for Electromechinacal Technology. He won't be all that high on my priority list. My son, my education and my job are above him, If I ever buy a house it will be in my name only, but if he's not a slob I might let him live with me. IF he pays 1/2 the bills.

    Yes, I may be stupid for taking him back. But I would rather try and fail that to not try at all.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:16 PM on Apr. 17, 2013

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