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2 Bumps

Why such a difference ?

I am a recently reunited birthmother from the BSE ,my son is 36 and I am 55.
I had left contact info since his fist bday and every year since.He contacted the agency with his parent's blessings when he was 18.The agency lied to all of us.

By state law once both parties agree to contact the birthmother must give her S.S. ,D.L. then when that is cleared she must undergo 6 hrs of very ,very intrusive counseling and get a psychiatric clearance all to have agency moderated , NO I.D.,written in format the agency can alter emails be exchanged.He had to have an hour of counseling.Both his and my counseling emphasized the negative aspects of reunion.

By state law a birthmother receives 2 hours of counseling.Very little mention of any negative aspects.There is a very new birthmother in my IRL triad group.This is how she describes her counseling.

A woman wanting to be a surrogate must undergo extensive therapy and a psychiatric clearance.The counseling tends to emphasize the negative aspects of giving the child up.
I know a woman that is becoming a surrogate and this is how she describes her therapy.

Why such differences in the amount and type of therapy for a woman placing a child for adoption and a woman being a surrogate?
Why such a difference in the counseling required to place a child for adoption and the counseling required to exchange emails and possibly meet  an adult child?

What is your opinion?


We managed to break free from the agency after 7 months .Our reunion is going great We met Dec 28,2012 and he came this way in Feb and we go there in June or July.It is going well : )

Answer Question
 
drfink

Asked by drfink at 11:00 PM on Apr. 16, 2013 in Adoption

Level 21 (10,635 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • Congratulations that your reunion is going well. It does seem to be unbalanced, as far as what counseling is required for each situation. Are those federal or tate requirements, do you know, or stipulations imposed by the agency you went through?
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 11:12 PM on Apr. 16, 2013

  • what state are you in?
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 11:44 PM on Apr. 16, 2013

  • Great to hear that your reunion is going well!

    I'm sure the amount of counseling given and what it consists of depends on what type of agency the PBMom (and surrogate) goes to...and then depending on the county and/or state she is in...and probably even depending on what the PAParents/Parents are okay with paying for.

    I can only speak from what I know personally, but I can tell you that DD's BMom got A LOT of counseling starting from when she was 6 months pregnant until at least a year after placement (1-2 times a week)...I have the invoices from her visits because we had to pay for it out of our own pockets.
    AllAboutKeeley

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 12:29 AM on Apr. 17, 2013

  • State statutes
    .My uncle is a retired judge and helped me find them.Also quite a few years ago laws were written that requires agencies to send a certified contact request contact letter to a last known address to either a birth parent or adoptee if requested.My agency has on it's website all this bull saying that if either a birth parent or adoptee says no they will contact and ask if there is any thing they can help with...liars.If not for the new LCSW that runs my group we would still not have any contact.She is a recognized expert in reunion and knows people at the agency.Turns out the former long term director doesn't believe in reunion even if every one involved including the adoptee's parents want reunion.They cherry pick the statutes they follow.
    I understood it was supposed to be all possible aspects.
    drfink

    Comment by drfink (original poster) at 12:34 AM on Apr. 17, 2013

  • This is why they need to get the hell out if our reunions!
    I paid the State what they insist is a privilege (a search and possible contact). i paid in full to total (agency) stranger. she would make the most important 1st contact of my life. For the privilege- you have to submit to their total control and actions towards any contact and communication with your family member. I did not know if her personal experience with adoption or reunion would assist or hinder my efforts to reunite as she worked on my behalf?!?. What if she's rushed because she has a heavy case load? What if she's anti-reunion? What if she's just had a really crappy day and that's the day she makes contact, and essentially "my" first impression with my Mother?

    drfink what did they need your SS# for? Credit check? To make sure you could afford the 'service'?
    Background check- to make sure of your integrity?

    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 7:02 AM on Apr. 17, 2013

  • I had mandatory counseling before they would sell me back my non-identifying info.
    Yeah...cause adoptees are known for going over the edge when they learn the news that their Mother was 5'7, with alburn hair and hazel eyes.

    I HATE conditional access to OUR info and families!

    Open records to ALL adult adoptees. And allow Mothers who desire no contact to attach a letter to the OBC saying so.
    Pretty simple....
    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 7:08 AM on Apr. 17, 2013

  • Sorry you had to go through all that, not sure why it seems so different w/ each situation, or why they seem to make it so hard, but Congrats!! I'm glad it finally all worked out for you! That's wonderful that you are able to begin building a relationship!
    HappyEndings

    Answer by HappyEndings at 10:32 AM on Apr. 17, 2013

  • Thanks AAK .I wonder if that is a state statute the agency followed or just something the agency offers via you ?.Not a real question just wondering aloud.

    Adoptee the first agency employee spilled everything in a couple of emails.She was silent for a while then it was obvious she had been talking to legal.They only charged me/us $15.00 ,the cost of registering with the state of the reunion.I paid.Normally each of us would have paid around 500 or so.So search is only for those with extra money.I did have to pay $75. per hour for my counseling ,I offered to pay his.My psychiatric clearance was $250. or $300..Here it's not the adoptees to be feared but the birthmothers that need the psychiatric clearance.
    My biggest wonder concerns the psychiatric clearances...for a woman considering adoption ...nope not needed. A woman considering surrogacy ...yup needed.A birthmother searching for an adult child ... needed.
    drfink

    Comment by drfink (original poster) at 3:13 PM on Apr. 17, 2013

  • We were lucky with the 3 girls we adopted. The social workers wanted no contact with birthfamily but the foster home knew the birthfamily. We simply bidded our time and once everything was completed said Thanks to the agency and then talked to the foster parents who gave us grandma's phone number. There was absolutely nothing they could do if they had found out. With knowing what the situation was there is no way we wanted contacted with the mom/dads at the time but mom passed away about 2 months after finalization so it was just granma, baby sister and aunt. Today they are still in contact with them as well as our youngest daughter having contact with her birthfather. That's another story but it's ended well.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 4:02 PM on Apr. 18, 2013

  • That depends on the state's laws
    escuchar

    Answer by escuchar at 12:49 PM on Apr. 14, 2014

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