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2 Bumps

My husband and favorite child

Our son just turned 1. I would love to have 1 more child. I told my husband that I was ready whenever he was. He is afraid of becoming like his dad. My husband has 2 brothers, my husband is the middle child. My father in law clearly favors his first born child. To this day he still does. He talks to people about his achievements and his success at work. He never does that with my husband or other son.

My husband is afraid he will have a favorite child and that's his hesitation towards having a second child. I told him he's not like his dad. I don't think he's convinced. Do I give him space or is there something I can say to ease his mind?

BTW I am not pressuring him to have a child right now. I want my son to have a sibling one day, no rush.

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Asked by fumbles420 at 11:19 PM on Apr. 18, 2013 in Relationships

Level 4 (46 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • I have two kids. They're both my favorites for very different reasons. My son is a lot like me. He's perfectly happy curled up on the couch with a good book all day. He's GREAT at entertaining himself. The older he gets, the more calming, and sometimes infuriating, he gets.

    My daughter is also like me. She's a major tomboy and LOVES to be on the go from sun up until well past dark. Her personality is also a lot like mine. That will be VERY interesting when she becomes a teenager.

    As long as your husband is aware of what his dad did, and does his very best to not repeat what his dad has done, everything should be fine. Give him some time to wrap his head around the idea.

    Answer by Rosehawk at 12:19 AM on Apr. 19, 2013

  • I agree; give him time. If your son is anything like my daughter, he'll be the one talking his dad into giving him a sibling some day. I know how hurtful it can be to end up as the un-favorite--my dad used to call his kids the smart one, the cute one, and the other one, and you can guess which one I was. But since your husband is aware of how bad being treated that way made him feel, he's not destined to obliviously repeat the behaviors. My mom was quite abusive, and I'm not, mostly because I know how it feels and I refused to put my child through what I had to deal with. Good luck.

    Answer by Ballad at 12:27 AM on Apr. 19, 2013

  • If he makes a conscious effort not to play favorites, I see no reason to hesitate. He is in control of his own mind and body, yes?

    Answer by hellokittykat at 2:18 AM on Apr. 19, 2013

  • My suggestion is that you listen to his fears. You don't have to convince him (it's not really up to you.) He just has to process how he's feeling, and what he's worried about. What supports this process most is being heard & understood, and being allowed to have his feelings. If you treat his comments as something to engage & solve, yourself, through reassurances and logic, you are not really validating the thoughts & feelings as they are. If you treat them as "his" to have & to work through, rather than as a problem to fix, you'll probably have an easier time supporting him in an emotional process.

    This applies to so much in life & relationships.

    It's normal to have feelings in response, because of what his words and/or his reluctance stimulates in you. THAT is what is yours to engage & process. Focus on really "seeing" & feeling what comes up in you when he responds this way to the possibility of having another baby.

    Answer by girlwithC at 8:16 AM on Apr. 19, 2013

  • Because your DH is aware of it, he can put a stop to it. My parents favor my brother, he's the youngest and because I'm 10 years older than him i practically raised him. He was easier for my parents because I did so much of the work. I don't have a favorite child, I love the relationship I have with each of them.

    Answer by RyansMom001 at 8:37 AM on Apr. 19, 2013

  • I think most parents have one child, and wonder how they could ever love another one as much as they do this one. Then, another kid comes along, and WHAM! you realize you love this one just as much because love grows, it is not divided. I'd gently reassure your dh that you understand his fears, but you know he won't be like that.... let him work through it.

    Answer by Nimue930 at 1:50 PM on Apr. 19, 2013

  • Give him space and if the topic comes up remind him that he isnt his father and the fact that he sees what happened and refuses to repeat it is a clear sign that he wont be like him.

    Answer by LadyAmaranth at 3:56 PM on Apr. 22, 2013

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