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3 Bumps

My teenage girls hate my bf - making me choose.

My husband and I separated about a year ago.

Our oldest daughter (18) moved away beforehand (knew we were going to split up) and lives with her boyfriend of 4 years.
When our house finally sold, my youngest daughter (15) moved with me to live near our oldest daughter and family. My ex stayed in the area. We live a province apart. Neither one of our girls had/have the best relationship with their dad.

Now - 6 months ago - I met a man, we dated for a few months and then since it was taking me longer to find a job, he lost his due to an injury on the job and it was seasonal....I was faced with renting out a room to make ends meet or having him move in with me. I discussed this with both my kids and they said they would feel more comfortable with my bf living here over a total stranger (who would have been a female).

He moved in, it was strange but we adjusted. He has never married, never had children. He struggled for months to find work - and that put a lot of stress on our relationship. However, he has recently found a full-time job and loves it.

My kids have gone from thinking he is ok - to now they downright hate him. My youngest is now telling me that he has to go or she will leave. He voiced his opinion a few times about something,,,,,my girls took offence to it, feelings got hurt and now they hate him - even though we have talked about it and he has apologized. My oldest runs to her dad about EVERYTHING. My youngest holds alot inside.

My youngest has struggled with the relationship with her dad, the move, the new relationship. She has many issues. She was bullied in school to the point I have pulled her out of school and am home schooling her. She's been cutting, suicidal at points. We've sought out counseling for her, she goes regularly. We've been to the dr. I have an open door policy with her when she knows she can talk to me about anything. This makes her sound bad - but she really is a good kid. To look at her you would never know how much she is hurting inside. I'm at my wits end.

Do I put my happiness aside until my youngest is finally happy with herself and feels in control of her life? end things with my boyfriend, make him move out because my kids hate him??? Or is there a way to make them understand mom needs to be happy too?

I watched my sister's kids destroy every single relationship my sister tried to have and sadly, I wonder if this is what my kids are doing (even though they say they are not).

Answer Question
 
itzmewilson

Asked by itzmewilson at 12:41 PM on Apr. 19, 2013 in Relationships

Level 2 (5 Credits)
Answers (25)
  • This is a tough one. You wont be unhappy forever because eventually your youngest will turn 18 and move out, so even if you aren't with your current bf at that time there will be someone else. Maybe talk to her and ask if she would rather live with her dad, and let her know that even though she does not like bf, it's not possible for him to move out financially, and because you don't want him to. Is there any other reason they might not like him? He isn't making advances toward them or anything? This would make me nervous to have a man in the house with young teenager.
    cassie_kellison

    Answer by cassie_kellison at 12:46 PM on Apr. 19, 2013

  • The kids always come 1st.
    If he's working,he can move out,and you can date
    Your kids will NEVER forgive you for choosing a man over them. I speak from expereience
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 12:46 PM on Apr. 19, 2013

  • If I had a child who was depressed to the point that yours seems to be, I'd do anything I needed to for her to help her adjust, and be able to move on in her life. It can take years for a child to fully accept the loss of the family unit and be able to accept a new person as part of that. They may say they are fine with it, and they may even believe they are. But reality is a whole different thing, and living with it may cause them a lot of sadness, and agitation. I would ask my boyfriend to please understand that you have to put your daughter first while she is struggling, and still young. Basically, she NEEDS you. Your bf will be ok away from you. If he doesn't understand that, then you don't want him any way.
    Nimue930

    Answer by Nimue930 at 12:49 PM on Apr. 19, 2013

  • Do I put my happiness aside until my youngest is finally happy with herself and feels in control of her life?

    No, of course not. You undermine her mental health at every opportunity.
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 12:50 PM on Apr. 19, 2013

  • My first reaction is to say that he needs to get his own apartment. That doesn't solve your rent problem though. I really don't know. Logistically I would tell her that he needs time to get money saved to get his own place and see if they could work it out before the time came.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 12:50 PM on Apr. 19, 2013

  • There is no choice. Your kids come first. From what you say about your youngest daughter, this is more than a simple "I don't like your bf" scenario. She has some deep issues and needs you.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 12:52 PM on Apr. 19, 2013

  • They haven't liked him because he wasn't working. Called him a loser. They think because he didn't have $$ like their dad - he is worthless. He gives me what their dad never did - touch, love and affection. Tells me loves me multiple times a day. Their dad was NEVER like that. I was worried about that (him making advances) in the beginning - but I KNOW my daughter would say something. (if not to me - her sister and then I would know)
    itzmewilson

    Comment by itzmewilson (original poster) at 12:52 PM on Apr. 19, 2013

  • I agree with missanc. This is not a simple "I don't like your BF" thing. Your Daughter has issues you need to address ASAP. If he loves you then he will understand & still always be there for you. I do believe he should move out & get his own place. You can still have the same relationship. Probably better since you will have more private/alone time with him at his place. This boils down not to you not being happy since you still can. It boils down to you have to get to the root of your Daughters issues & it probably has nothing to do with your BF. You are the Mom until you die. That's how I feel. Kids come first, YOU made them! Once her mental health is better maybe in a few years, move in with him!
    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 1:00 PM on Apr. 19, 2013

  • What exactly did he voice his OP on? I will wait to hear about that before giving my answer.
    jerseydiva

    Answer by jerseydiva at 1:29 PM on Apr. 19, 2013

  • You never choose a boyfriend over your kids. And in this case, in particular, choosing him over your daughter could have some seriously devastating consequences. Your daughter needs you desperately right now, and she absolutely needs to come first. I realize him moving out puts you in a tough spot financially, but I think him moving out is the best thing that can happen right now. Find a female roommate or something to help the financial situation, and focus on your daughter. You can date your boyfriend still, just keep the two parts of your life separate until your daughter has become more stable and no longer needs so much from you.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 1:40 PM on Apr. 19, 2013

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