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Am I making a big deal over nothing, or is he letting something slide?

So the story is, I told my preschooler and my teenage stepson yesterday they couldn't take their dad's dragon kite out to fly unless he was with them. It's his kite, the kids didn't have permission from him to fly it, and I didn't want them to lose it while he wasn't there. Well, they told me they were taking my daughter's Princess Barbie kite out, so I let them go. When they came back, my daughter--who tends to rat herself out when she does stuff--said they had fun with the dragon kite. My stepson tried to shush her up and then said, "No, you mean the Barbie kite." She said no, they'd taken the dragon kite, which he then admitted to.

Needless to say, I was livid. Partly because they directly did what I said not to do, but mostly because my stepson tried to cover it up and get my daughter to lie to me.

The problem comes in because just as I was explaining why I was angry, my boyfriend waltzed in from work. When he heard what the fuss was about, he said, "Oh, I don't care. They can take the dragon kite out. Kites are for flying." And then he took us all out to dinner, which had hinged on whether the kids behaved that day.

So then my stepson acted like the whole thing was over with because his dad didn't care that he'd flown the kite, and my boyfriend said I might as well drop it and not make a big deal out of it. But my point is, they still disobeyed me and then my stepson still tried to cover it up.

What would you do now? Sorry for the family drama questions, but this stepmom thing can be tricky even after five and a half years, and really the intentional misbehaving is fairly new with my fiveyear-old because lately, she understands more about deception and deliberately doing things, where in the toddler years, it was more a lack of self-control like with all younger kids.

 
Ballad

Asked by Ballad at 3:52 PM on Apr. 21, 2013 in General Parenting

Level 45 (193,996 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • And that I want them to respect my decision even when it's not fair, or when it's wrong or unfounded.

    Respecting it would mean living by it (rather than working around it and being duplicitous) but giving me honest feedback in response.

    I think this situation is a time for laying out what I actually WANT from them when they are feeling disenfranchised or annoyed, and feel like sneaking, lying or just trying to do something anyway. I'd clarify that I will hear them and that I actually WANT to hear from them when they dissent.

    My thought would be to build on it toward a different experience next time.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:21 PM on Apr. 21, 2013

  • I don't know. I'm kind of torn here. On one hand, he's now made it clear (although he should have before) that he's fine with them using it. Which means that, in that sense (using his kite without HIS permission), they were not misbehaving. But at the same time, you said no (whether because you thought he wouldn't be okay with it or because you simply didn't want them to or whatever reason you might ever have for saying no), and they then went behind your back and did what you told them not to do.

    Does your boyfriend understand that what upsets you is not that they took the kite out, but that they did it after you said no? Maybe he doesn't realize what exactly it is that has you upset. Even if he doesn't, I would sit the kids down and explain it to them, so that they understand that it's not about whether Dad was okay with it, it's about that you said no and they then disregarded what you said and did it anyway.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 4:05 PM on Apr. 21, 2013

  • What I would do is have a heart to heart with the BF. Tell him the kite was not the issue. The children purposely disobeyed you and then the stepson lied about it. Does he agree that the children should not disobey you? Does he agree that there should be consequences for disobedience and lying?
    Then come up with the consequences and diliver the verdict to the children together. If you can not agree on something as fundamental as this you will have problems in the future.

    Most men will see the surface... the kite and not the issue... the disobedience and lying, unless it is brought clearly to their attention without drama.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 4:20 PM on Apr. 21, 2013

  • i'd want an apology from the kids
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 4:05 PM on Apr. 21, 2013

  • You and your SO need to be on the same page with discipline.  He can't tell you  one thing and then change his mind.  Make you look like a fool.  don't be mad at the kids. Be mad at him/SO.  If he will not change the way he is disaplining the kids basicly the SS. I think you need to inform him you will not disapline him any more. Just your child will be.  I think you need to stop letting your child go places with the SS.  That will stop your child from getting in trouble.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 4:24 PM on Apr. 21, 2013

  • The action that so aggravated you and rightly so...also made a bond between the siblings, which is good.....I understand where you are coming from, but I think you got to be more flexible than that, let it go but do explain to the kids how you feel, and learn how to pick your battles, some things are important and some aren't as much.
    older

    Answer by older at 4:25 PM on Apr. 21, 2013

  • Are you kidding me? That was out and out disobedience. And then not only did they disobey, they then lied and tried to cover it up. That would not be okay with me! Since it was okay with their dad that they take the kite, they wouldn't get in trouble for taking the kite, they would be in trouble for disobeying me in the first place.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 4:38 PM on Apr. 21, 2013

  • I agree with missanc. The issue is not the kite it is that they did what you had told them not to do. Set an appropriate punishment in place for taking the kite after you said no and then trying to lie to cover it up. Make sure they know it's because they took the kite anyway after you said they couldn't do so. Whether dad was ok with it or not they deliberately disobeyed.
    2autisticsmom

    Answer by 2autisticsmom at 4:46 PM on Apr. 21, 2013

  • Whether he cares about them taking the kite or not is moot in this situation bottom line is your stepson directly disobeyed you and then tried to cover it up by lying meaning he KNEW he was in the wrong. You need to get on the same page with SO NOW when it comes to discipline or you will continue to have the same issue. Good luck.
    aeneva

    Answer by aeneva at 5:24 PM on Apr. 21, 2013

  • Id be spitting bullets angry. Would he have pulled that shit if you were not blind?
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 6:46 PM on Apr. 21, 2013

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