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Alright, this is a slight vent and advice on how to be "gentle" i guess when asking my fiance to clean!! lol

ok, im going to try and not just b!tch right now.

My fiance has been out of work because he got injured and had surgery on his wrist. (almost 2 months ago)

SO he is out of work. His Dr did provide dr's notes stating he can return to work and it would be up to my fiances discretion of how much weight is too much to bear. (sp?) long story short, he has to have a FULL disclosure to return to work.

So, he has been at home. All he does is sleep. At first i was fine with that, because he was sore and tired from the hospital and on percocets. He is no longer on any Rx and he is able to use his hand somewaht.

ALL i am asking, is that he do SOME stuff at home. Fold laundry, stick dishes in the dishwasher... whatever is light. vacuum....

he's able to play Call of Duty, he is able to lift a towel or some socks.

Anytime i say "hey why dont you fold laundry (or something) he'll text me back and be like "Geeze, do you have to be so rude about it..."

WTHeck!?!?! Me just ASKING him to do something around the house is being rude? no. ( I swear in the 7 years we have been together, he has NEVER thuroughly cleaned A room)

im the only one working now and he should be doing the house work. Now i understand 100% that he is somewhat unable to do everything. and i am fine with that but he doesnt eventry to do anything light.

He is just sleeping all day as if this is a vacation for him.

What can i say to get him to do something anything at home?

thanks for listening to my rant! :)

Answer Question

Asked by MomNbabyGirl009 at 5:25 PM on Apr. 22, 2013 in Relationships

Level 20 (9,279 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Oh boy - and you two aren't even married yet and you are already getting attitude from him. It - just - gets - worse.

    Answer by tasches at 5:47 PM on Apr. 22, 2013

  • LOL.

    We'll 7 years, i feel like we are married already. :)

    We've lived together for 6 1/2 and have a 4 year old daughter. This is nothing MAJOR, but it's just frustrating.

    I always took care of the house even when I am working full-time. Now, I feel like it should be on his shoulders at least some what.

    Is that a wrong outlook on the situation?

    Comment by MomNbabyGirl009 (original poster) at 5:51 PM on Apr. 22, 2013

  • He sounds selfish to me, and there's no good way to make a chronically selfish person unselfish. You could point out that since you're working and he isn't, and especially since he's been cleared to return to work, he needs to pitch in around the house. But if he's usually lazy and inconsiderate, good luck making him change.

    Answer by Ballad at 5:53 PM on Apr. 22, 2013

  • We have both always worked EXCEPT for when i had our daughter and i was out of work for 6 months. Of which, it was my job at home to take care of the kid and the house because he was working.

    We were both working full time, but then he got injured. I don't expect him to do everything, since he broke his wrist it is difficult and tiring and gets sore after a while, but some light duty i think is fine.

    SO, once he is healed, hopefully in 2 1/2 weeks when he has his follow up he'll be able to return to work and at that point, it will be how it was prior to him being out of work.

    Comment by MomNbabyGirl009 (original poster) at 5:53 PM on Apr. 22, 2013

  • Ballad, that is how I feel! That, for now, since he is out of work, he should provide at home.

    He usually helps around the house when he is working, which is why I don't understand this now.

    (i honestly think he is just trying to make this some sort of vacation for himself lol) but im reaping the frustration.

    Comment by MomNbabyGirl009 (original poster) at 5:55 PM on Apr. 22, 2013

  • you are obviously frustrated. have you talked about this with him face-to-face instead of just sending (what might be perceived to be) snarky texts?

    Answer by KPBMom at 5:57 PM on Apr. 22, 2013

  • Yeah I have mentioned it face to face.

    I am trying to talk to him about it in a way that isnt rude. He already feels bad that we are down one income because of this.

    But i am at that point that i think i may blow up because when i talk to him, he says he understands and that he will try but... i dont see TOO much change.

    Example: Last night, he started cleaning the dishes. (there was id say.. 20 dishes tops which isnt a lot) he washed 1/3 then said his arm hurt and i finished them.

    He brought my daughters laundry into our room and just put it on the bed... (idk what that accomplished) and it just sat there...

    He'll put bleach in the toilet.... .... sweep outback... meanwhile the REAL mess is still inside lol and its noticeable.

    Maybe he is just being a guy??

    He'll clean stuff but its not what NEEDS to be clean. if that makes sense. (dishes will still sit there, or clothes need to be cleaned)

    Comment by MomNbabyGirl009 (original poster) at 6:03 PM on Apr. 22, 2013

  • i think im just confusing and frustrating myself even more now. and i think i just needed a nice vent.


    Comment by MomNbabyGirl009 (original poster) at 6:03 PM on Apr. 22, 2013

  • "I swear in the 7 years we have been together, he has NEVER thoroughly cleaned A room"

    I think this is the problem. For the past seven years, his standard of cleaning has been below yours. In a relationship, the partner with the higher standard of cleaning typically does more cleaning.

    That does not excuse his behavior, though. It is not too much to ask that he fold laundry, vacuum, rinse and put away dishes. It might take him a little longer due to his injury, but it's not as if he has a shortage of time.

    Try discussing your dissatisfaction with him whilst being understanding of his injury. Draw up a weekly calendar and assign chores for both of you everyday. Check off chores as they are accomplished. This might help keep him on track with how often things need to be done.

    Answer by Mousuke at 7:02 PM on Apr. 22, 2013

  • My take is that you have a conflict.
    Focus on stating your feelings & making requests, rather than trying to validate your requests & expectations (so that he will more likely agree, or be convinced.)
    When you do the latter (try to validate yourself & build a case for how your expectations are not unreasonable) you are resorting to control tactics and this triggers resistance. Even if he technically "agrees" with you, the tactics undermine his agreement.
    Stick with speaking personally. Share your frustration & your expectations. Ask him to contribute by cleaning.
    Don't get into what/who is reasonable or unreasonable. Just share honestly and listen openly (don't enter a debate or focus on responding; hear him in a validating way.)
    Often when we stop trying to make something happen, and instead honor someone's autonomy while also communicating our feelings & wishes, the dynamic changes.
    It's one of the hardest "dances," though!

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:02 AM on Apr. 23, 2013

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