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Why are kids so mean??

My dd is 4 yrs old, and her speech is delayed. Its real hard to understand what she is talking about. Anyway, there are 3 kids across the street, and they moved there about 2 weeks or so. Well there is a 6 yr old girl, and a 4 yr old boy, and another 2 yr old boy. Well the kids would tell my daughter to come over and play. But they would play with her for about 10 min, then they would go inside. Well this has happened 5 different times. Well today she went over there, and the 4 yro told me that his sister doesn't like my dd anymore. I know this statement was from a 4 yro, but I also know, and probably all of your ladies that kids repeat what they hear, and there has many times a kid will be listening to mommy and her friend, then and she saying something like, "my mom thinks you are fat" Then of course the embarrassment will sky rocket! lol

She still stayed over there running around haveing a great time. Then 10 or so min later, the little girl would go back inside, and the other kids went with her. So my dd is crying because she wants to still play. My heart aches at that, and then to see the 3 kids outside again, make me so mad!This is pissing me off because they would come over to my house and invite her over, and after she gets there, and a few min pass by, and then they leave and my dd gets so upset and cries, I start crying cause how can I tell a 4 yr old who sits in the window waiting for them to return, sees them and wants to go over. I tell her they have to eat lunch first, or that they have to take a nap, and make up an excuse why she can't go over, then I am the bad mommy.

I am wondering if the fact she can't speak to good yet for the little girl to understand whats she saying and thats why she doesn't like my dd. I do not like her going over there, and a few minutes later, she has to come back home. It hurts me so much to her her get upset and confused at they make her come home when she wants to play.

Am I overreacting? Making a mountain out of a molehill? What should I do??

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Michigan-Mom74

Asked by Michigan-Mom74 at 4:14 AM on Apr. 23, 2013 in General Parenting

Level 34 (66,351 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Maybe they all go inside and expect her to follow?
    mompam

    Answer by mompam at 7:07 AM on Apr. 23, 2013

  • Kids that age have very short attention spans. I seriously doubt they are inviting her over and then leaving her just to be mean. They are kids. Try inviting them over to your house.
    kmath

    Answer by kmath at 8:20 AM on Apr. 23, 2013

  • As to "why?"--Little kids are true to their own reactions and see no reason to pretend to feel differently than they do, for the sake of someone else.
    I don't think these kinds of situations are about being intentionally mean so much as being authentic, and lacking skills.
    There is a lot to navigate in social situations involving siblings & new friends, and it sounds like the kids aren't particularly well-supported (essentially they are on their own to play together?) I think it is typical & predictable for a child to form a simple & negative reaction (or "label") when something is challenging, confusing, or unpleasant for her. "Not liking" something or someone can simply express discomfort arising from anything--like someone else "not getting it" so that play goes differently with the new person, and feels uncomfortable for the child who's used to a certain dynamic. Or from someone not automatically doing what you want, etc.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 8:51 AM on Apr. 23, 2013

  • Kids are fickle. They could be going inside for any simple stupid reason like she isn't following any particular rule to a game (could be as innocent as standing still until told to move, like the game statues). My DD isn't speech delayed and other kids in the neighborhood do the same thing to her. They either get tired, or they don't want to play outside because it's too hot / cold / they are hungry / thirsty, or any number of small reasons and excuses. Sometimes she doesn't like other people bossing her around so she will leave her friends and come home instead of letting them boss her around. Maybe do some yard work out front and observe what's going on to get a better idea as to why play ends after 10 minutes. Get your DD some sidewalk chalk or bubbles and tell her she has to use them in her yard, not the neighbors.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 10:11 AM on Apr. 23, 2013

  • Invite them to your house. You have to tell your daughter that just because they are outside, that does not mean she can play with them everytime. If they go in after ten minutes, stay out in your yard after and play with her. I seriously doubt they are doing it to be mean or because of her speech. If you this is bothering you, don't allow her over there anymore. Or go over there with her and see what they do when she's there. Better yet, make them come to your house. We have all kinds of kids that come to our yard to play for the simple fact that I don't allow my kids to go to theirs because the other kids play/do/say things that I don't approve of. If they are in my yard, they have to behave and play by my rules. They keep coming back so they must not mind!
    khedy

    Answer by khedy at 11:01 AM on Apr. 23, 2013

  • DD was more or less deaf until she was 5 so I understand what you are saying. We ran into similar situations. Here is what I found out through observation and actually talking to the mom. Oldest child has "responsibility for younger ones when they are out side. If the older one goes inside to the bathroom or for a drink the younger ones go in also and it i so automatic that they simply do. In out case the oldest would give the younger ones a cookie or a drink when she got one herself. And then they would go back outside. This would happen without warning, so there was no "be right back". In the case of the bathroom, it was private and you don't announce it and if it was a drink or cookie, you don't say anything because you may not give out the cookies to the neighborhood. This mother also did not want other people's kids in her house.
    I found most of this out talking to mom over a glass of water. and watching.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 11:03 AM on Apr. 23, 2013

  • It had nothing to do with my daughter just that mom and how she wanted her household run. if it was hot, they could not invite DD in to watch TV or to play. Mom said if you want the mess of kids running in and out that is your business but I don't and I do not buy food for anyone but my family to eat.
    The people in that neighborhood were not wealthy by any means but they were well able to offer a glass of juice and a cookie any day of the week. She was such a joy at block parties. The kids were nice enough but just had no idea how to interact for any length of time.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 11:09 AM on Apr. 23, 2013

  • I am sorry your child is hurt, as a parent it's so hard to watch our kids go through that. Have you tried having the kids over to your house to play? Watching them interact might give you some clues on what's really going on.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 2:04 PM on Apr. 23, 2013

  • My daughter isn't speech delayed, but she ran into the same issues when she started playing with other neighborhood kids at about three years old. One little girl in particular would come over to play, then leave after a few minutes, or invite my daughter over and then give up and go inside her own house. It was hard to witness, and I hated seeing my daughter get hurt. With that particular child, I started having my daughter invite her over specifically to play in the sand box or water table or with sidewalk chalk or the bubbles machine, or to ride bikes, so that both kids knew what the activity would be and they weren't aimlessly trying to find something to do. That seemed to help. The child would also get snacks from her house for herself and not for my daughter, so I started having my daughter share suckers or Popsicles or fruit with her at our house, and model the preferred behavior. (cont.)
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 4:32 PM on Apr. 23, 2013

  • Many kids don't benefit from ongoing guidance about how to act socially. Most of the parents around the condo complex where I live seem to shoo their little ones out the door and let them run wild. They think I'm a little crazy because I'm usually right out there with my daughter, reminding her to share and take turns. She's one of the younger kids in the neighborhood, so that's part of it, but I can also help to model sharing, consideration, compromising, and that kind of desirable behavior to all of the kids without criticizing their parents. Then too, sometimes I have to remind my daughter that she's only five, and the bigger kids want to play games she isn't yet ready for, so she needs to understand when it's time to greet them and find something else to do. But seriously, a jumbo bag of Dum-Dums from Wal-Mart went a longway in helping my daughter meet new kids in the complex, and playing close to home also helped.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 4:43 PM on Apr. 23, 2013

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