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3 Bumps

How do i get my mom to chill out?

I have a serious problem with my mother and my husband to be. He and I have known each other since we were in elementary school. WE have gotten in some trouble as children and young adults when we were at school, but we have grown from that now. She still holds him accountable for his past mistakes with school and myself. Now that I'm planning to marry this guy, she tells me that she refuses to come if he is the groom. I really want her at my wedding but I'm not sure how to get through to her. She really hates him, and holds grudges for very long times......... I just want peace the week of my wedding and other functions.. How can I make that happen, I really want her there to support me.

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Asked by Jazzie12995 at 10:25 AM on Apr. 23, 2013 in Relationships

Level 5 (86 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • Prove to her that he has change. Point out all the good he has done now that he is an adult. Tell her that you change from being a trouble child into the person you are now, why can't he?

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 10:30 AM on Apr. 23, 2013

  • I don't know that you can make it happen. She is going to make her own decision, regardless of what you do. Perhaps approaching her on the mother / daughter side of things would be better than trying to get her to accept your husband-to-be. Tell her that you would like her support and that you can't imagine her not being at your wedding. That you understand that she is protective of you, but that you are an adult and she needs to let you make your own decisions. Other than talking to her (which it sounds like you have said all you can say), she will end up making a decision that is right for her. The last thing you want on your wedding day or the days leading up to it is someone close to you telling you that you are making a mistake. If she can't hold her tongue, then perhaps this is for the best.

    Answer by QuinnMae at 10:37 AM on Apr. 23, 2013

  • Talk to her that explain to her that this time you get to choose who you want to spend the rest of your life with and that her refusing to be there would be a big heart break for you because it is going to happen anyway....ask her to make this transition easy for you not a hurtful experience, ask her to share in your happiness and that holding a grudge is toxic not only for her but for everyone around her. Tell her again what it would mean to have her at the wedding tell her you love her and want her there but not to cause friction or pain, but to witness an event that means the world to you.....reach out for the mother in her, and explain that her attitude will only create a wedge between you two and grandchildren as well...ask her if this is what she wants????hoped I have helped, but really communicating like adults sometimes makes all the difference...good luck and best to you at your wedding.


    Answer by older at 10:38 AM on Apr. 23, 2013

  • How long has it been since he's done something that you consider "in the past"? If it's been several years, then she needs to relax and give him a chance. If it's been within a year or two, she has good cause for concern. It doesn't matter if you did things too, she may feel that your life would be better, and that your choices would be better if you were with someone who wasn't a bad influence.

    So many things factor into old are you two? How long has it been since he's done something wrong? What kind of things did he do or did you guys do together? She's your mother, consider what you want for your children, and how you might feel about someone who was possibly leading them in the wrong direction or didn't enhance their life. On the other hand if you guys were throwing spitwads in the sixth grade, time to get over it.

    Answer by ohwrite at 10:38 AM on Apr. 23, 2013

  • ALL kids mak mistakes, and hopefully learn from them. I'd just tell her that you have both grown and you would really like for her to forgive you both for things in the past and you want her there.

    You cannot make her change though- that's on her

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 10:41 AM on Apr. 23, 2013

  • There s nothing you can do.
    You will need to tell her that this is your choice and not hers. You love XYZ and he loves you and you want to grow old together.
    You want her to be happy for you and give her blessing, but if she does not that you will be sorry, more than she knows, that she was not there to share your joy with you. Because you are going to marry the man you love and you are going to have children with him and build a wonderful life. You want here to be a prat of all of that, because you love her, but you understand that she has to make her decission, whether to hang on to the past and miss out on all the experiences of your wedding, or whether she wants to embrace the promise of the future, with a son (in law) and grandchildren who will grow to love her as much as she will love them.
    Tell her you hope her decission is to come. Leave it in her hands and don't say anything more.

    Answer by Dardenella at 10:44 AM on Apr. 23, 2013

  • If you want peace during your wedding week then all you can do is accept that she won't be there and get on with the rest of the things you have to do. However, you can have a word with her well in advance telling her that you'd love her to be there but that you know you can't force her, that it would be a pity for her to miss out on the rest of your life because she can't let go of old grudges, that the past is the past. Make sure she knows that if it comes down to it you will choose your husband over her ... but that you'd rather things didn't come to that.

    Now for a couple of questions - is she the only person who holds such a bad view of him? What awful things did he do that she can't get over?

    Answer by winterglow at 11:54 AM on Apr. 23, 2013

  • How old are you both? Maybe she doesn't want you to waste your youth with this guy. She's been around a lot longer than you & has a lot more life experience. I wish that my Mother would have taken the initiative to steer me in the right direction. But I guess you have to live & learn on your own. It's just a shame how some things in life can be prevented if we had just listened. I wonder if you are marrying this guy just to spite her.


    Answer by Anonymous at 11:59 AM on Apr. 23, 2013

  • My mom drives me crazy doing things like this too. She always brings up things from the past. My husband had job trouble for a few yrs and she acted like he NEVER kept a job. It took him making more money than my step dad for her to finally stop. But when she gets jealous she's even worse, so it's a no win situation no matter what.

    Some people can't be happy for anyone and they'll dig up dirt anywhere they can find it to "prove' their point. I don't know if you can make her be supportive. I don't know if there is something she sees that you don't. I know I see a lot of women ignore trouble in their past because they want the few months of bliss that goes with getting married, then they are divorcing before they're even married a year.

    I guess we need to know what has been done, how long it's been and why you both think it should and shouldn't still be a problem.

    Answer by ThatBoysMom at 12:24 PM on Apr. 23, 2013

  • Listen to the talks with your Mother. She means well.

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 12:42 PM on Apr. 23, 2013

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