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2 Bumps

Should i go out my way to let him see him?

Hi im 21 to a handsom 3 year old....(: alot of changes have happend over a year. About a year ago me and
My sons father broke up becuase he started using drugs and other reason. So my son has seen alot of damage i now rent my own place i let his dad see him off and on becuase my son wanted to see his dad.. dont get me wrong besides that he was a horrible boyfriend he adored his son sooo much and loved him to the fullest i cant deny that. But recently leave he went to jail id say 3 months now. And hes been very violent to me and not behaving.. i dont know what to do? He told my step dad his daddys in time out by the cops and hea upset or something about the cops not liking him... Ive asked a couple people what i should do. One said i should take him down there to talk to his daddy. What im worried about is my son getting more confused. Please help..

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princessbabbby

Asked by princessbabbby at 1:23 AM on Apr. 25, 2013 in Preschoolers (3-4)

Level 2 (4 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • How long will the dad be in jail? I think seeing his son there would be safe, if you decide to make the effort, but what about when he gets out? You don't want to leave your little boy alone with a man like that if he is on drugs, and you don't want him to grow up learning to treat women violently or abusively. So a lot of it will depend on if he gets his poop in a group while he's in jail, I would think.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 1:51 AM on Apr. 25, 2013

  • Dad's been violent to you? Did you file charges? That is what you need to be doing. And until he gets help for the violent tendencies, keep your son away for his own safety.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:51 AM on Apr. 25, 2013

  • I say do not take him there any more. You don't want the child to get used to the jail environment and think that it's normal. Children tend to mimic what they see and grow up around. Take videos or picture messages to share if you want, but wait until he's out of jail before any further visitation with the child. If the child were a baby that didn't know any better, I would say sure let him go, but now that the child is older and does know his surroundings, it's not a good idea to let him get used to the jail environment or seeing his dad in jail. Have you tried to get full custody? With his drug use, it should help you get it. It's extremely important that your child has another male role model in his life, a good role model. Boys who grow up without a father figure are also likely to have abandonment issues. If you have a brother, uncle, pastor, friend who can be a big brother, it would help him
    hellokittykat

    Answer by hellokittykat at 1:52 AM on Apr. 25, 2013

  • "Boys who grow up without a father figure are also likely to have abandonment issues. "
    Bull shit. My brother and I grew up without a father, and my brother is doing quite well. He owns his own business, he has a beautiful little boy and devoted wife to be. IMO, I think a mom who raises a child by herself will grow up strong, learns that it takes work to get what you want, and may learn a little more than a child in a 2 parent home. But thats just my opinion.
    OP...I would refrain from taking him to the jail,. Thats no place for a child. And no judge will force the issue. Besides, it may actually be beneficial in a way. Like maybe his dad might learn to straighten up, and be in his child's life. And when he screws up again, he will miss out on all the little things that dads like to do. Like teach him to ride a bike, or play catch, or go fishing, or simply just tuck his son in bed and give him a kiss.
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 2:53 AM on Apr. 25, 2013

  • I would never take a child to visit a parent in jail. It would be absolutely unacceptable to me. If his father wants to see him, then maybe he will get his act together so that he can be a part of his son's life.

    And "boys who grow up without a father figure are also likely to have abandonment issues"? Oh, please. Give me a break. My sons' father walked out on them 8.5 years ago, and they can't stand him. They are intelligent and confident enough to know that it is not their fault, and to not have to chase after an asshole that doesn't deserve their presence in his life. They are secure in the knowledge that they are loved and that I will always be here for them. They don't need him, and they know it.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 7:49 AM on Apr. 25, 2013

  • At that age I would not take my child to jail to see his father and would not talk about his father's situation in front of the child.
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 9:15 AM on Apr. 25, 2013

  • Do Not take him to see his Father in Jail. Move on with your life. Find another Man who is worthy of you & your Sons love. It is up to you to make the best life for your Son. GL!
    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 9:16 AM on Apr. 25, 2013

  • I would not take him there. I would get a restraining order against him when he gets out. If son asks why his dad is in 'time out' tell your son that his father made some big mistakes and that this is his punishment. You should document everything he does or when he calls (date, time, what was discussed).
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 9:43 AM on Apr. 25, 2013

  • It wasn't clear but I took the comment "He's been very violent to me and not behaving" to be referring to the three-year-old's recent behavior. Not that the ex had been very violent to her, but that their child has been showing his frustration & other feelings through aggressive behavior when he's upset.

    It sounds like your son is clearly expressing feelings about his dad's situation (his comments to your stepdad) so I think the key thing for you to do--whether or NOT you decide to facilitate visits with his dad--is to address the fact that he is upset/confused about this. Listen to what he has to say and validate those feelings. Show that it makes sense to feel sad or worried, to wonder how his daddy is, to feel mad that daddy can't go places or visit (since he isn't free right now), to feel scared about how he's treated (if the cops "don't like" him.) Support for his feelings is the primary way to respond to this issue.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:43 AM on Apr. 25, 2013

  • Sounds like your friend's idea was that the way to "address" your son's feelings would be to let him visit his dad.
    I think that's a separate issue.
    Whether or not he sees his dad during his incarceration, you can respond to his feelings (and the behavior driven by them) in a way that helps him. Help for his feelings of sadness or anger isn't contingent on visiting.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:47 AM on Apr. 25, 2013

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