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I'm so furious right now! UPDATED in comments! adult content

First- a little backstory:
My son is 18, going to graduate HS next month.
Last year we caught with "synthetic pot", had a big fight, he's going to clean up his act, etc.
This February we caught him with actual pot, found out he was robotripping (abusing cough syrup), molly, ecstasy, acid....
I went full on intervention on the kid. Took phone and laptop, cleaned out his room, I even contacted a few of his friends and told them I have screenshots of their texts regarding sale/use of drugs with my son, and if they contact him again, I'll call the cops.
Again, he said he's going to clean up his act, focus on graduation and college (he's still on honor roll thru all this!) I cannot force him to apply to schools, I can't forcibly enlist him in the military, I am so concerned for his future! He tests on the advanced level for Math & Science. The Air Force would love to have him, but he has to pass a DRUG TEST FIRST!! DUH!

Tomorrow is Prom. I got a call from the school at 2:00 telling me that because he was late for school today, and didn't have a Dr.'s note, he was not eligible to attend prom. I called him, he was with his dad. Told him what I heard from school, and told him to put his dad on the phone. His dad says, well call the Dr, and get him a note. I said "He stayed at your house last night, and didn't go to school, YOU get him the note!" Dad says "He wasn't here..."

Little shit stayed out all night with one of his pot smoking friends. ( I have no proof that he did any drugs last night, I just know where he stayed. If I had proof at this point it would be straight to rehab. I have warned hm that I will NOT fuck around, and will not tolerate drug use. This will be his third strike and he will be OUT!!)

I am trying to teach this child that there are consequences for his actions. No prom. He has to call his date and explain to her/her parents that he can't take her. I spent $200 on his tux and flowers for NOTHING. I am BROKE this week over this stupid prom.
Trying to teach him that his behavior not only effects him, but me, my DH, his dad and his wife, their kids, and now his date, her family, etc.....

I get a text 20 minutes later. "Dad called the doctor- they are faxing a note to the school so I can go."

He is also scheduled to race tonight. Of course he is a kid- he pays for none of this. His dad does.
I called his dad and said "I hope to god you are not letting him drive that car tonight. I'd make him take a piss test before he goes anywhere."
My ex says "I'm not getting into this with you." And hung up on me.

How can I possibly discipline my son when his dad lets him do what ever he wants!?!?

I am so furious. Yes, at my kid for his stupid decisions, but more at his father for steam rolling me!

Now the weird part of this is that my ex and I only live a block away from each other. We're both remarried, etc, and get along well otherwise. Part of me thinks I should throw my kid out, send him up there, and let his dad handle things and be the parent for a change, instead of the "good time dad". But I feel it's more of a punishment against my ex than my son. I'm very angry right now (this happened about 2 hours ago) and I don't want to make any decisions in haste. I feel like my hands are tied!

Any advice????


Asked by PartyGalAnne at 4:02 PM on Apr. 26, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 39 (113,292 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • Hi Party Anne,
    I think this is the first "serious" post I've ever read of yours. Kudos to you for taking action and standing your ground with your teen. My DD was a pain at that age (is in her 20s now and is past all of that bs).

    Too bad the ex doesn't support you in cracking down. I hope it all turned out ok.

    Answer by tasches at 7:34 PM on Apr. 30, 2013

  • If he is going to enable your son, he should be the one to deal with entitle net issues. Punish your ex and your son.

    I know all of this is easy to say since mine are still young, but I really hate that any parent tries to be a Disneyland dad / mom. We all need to take turns being the bad guy.

    Answer by QuinnMae at 4:10 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • Go to the store and buy a drug test. I believe you easily buy them at the pharmacy now. If it's positive drag his ass down to juvi or the jail.
    He will never learn until he is hit hard in the face with possible jail time.
    Jail may not throw him in unless you find something and call the police on him yourself. Maybe the jail will allow an officer talk to him or a tour or even an inmate to talk to him about how stupid drug use is. Doesn't hurt to call and ask.

    Good Luck

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 4:07 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • They jail isn't going to take him for a failed drug test, would have to get arrested with drugs lol Perhaps you could get some type of intervention from them but not extremely likely.

    I say kick him out and eventually his father will do the same thing. You are right you can't make him do anything so stop supporting money, no place, just a few clothes and anything that he bought with money he earned...don't let him take anything else from his room that YOU bought.

    Good luck

    Answer by tntmom1027 at 4:11 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • Ive been in this situation with my oldest boy. He ruined a great gig with the military working in the intelligence part of it bc he choose drugs over his future. If I were you, I'd tell him he owes you all the money spent on the prom bc even if his dad found a way around the rules, you know he still broke them and frankly does not deserve to go. I'd ground him with chores to do around the house until he pays back the equivalent of $200, plus. Id give him a list of this chore = this amount of money and have him work it off. If he refuses, he can go live with his dad, but all of his things you bought and pay for, stay with you: computer, cell phone, etc. And I'd look into rehab. He is still using whether you can prove it or not. The worst thing for him right now is a revolving door where he can manipulate one parent against the other. Set your rules. If he leaves, then he is gone until he completes rehab.

    Answer by Nimue930 at 4:21 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • I can't even imagine the frustration you are feeling as my kids aren't this age yet, but I remember going through this with my little brother. He had so much potential, but he wanted to hang out and smoke pot with his loser friends who were going to eventually drag him down into their loser lifestyle. What worked for him, was a move far away from everything. When he had to support himself, he stopped making idiotic decisions. The upside is that he has a great job now and owns 2 rental properties that are 100% paid for. It just took a while to get himself straight, he had to hear it from all of us......repeatedly.....and move away from the bad influences.

    Answer by slw123 at 5:35 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • Just being the devil's advocate, if you send your son to live with his dad--well, the big fox isn't about to teach the little fox to stay out of the chicken coop. Is there any chancethat, once prom is over--you lost that battle, unfortunately--you can talk your ex into using his brain? If not, I'd consider waiting till your son graduates high school before pushing rehab. It's only a month, and if he doesn't graduate now, he'll have to get a GED, which isn't of the same value on the job market no matter what anybody says about the two being equivalent. The next time an incident comes up, threaten to get the cops involved if your son doesn't agree to rehab. I'm sorry you're going through this, Mom.

    Answer by Ballad at 4:28 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • You have the tux and flowers. He broke the rules whether he lied to the school or not. Return the tux and chuck the flowers and say NO>

    Answer by Dardenella at 5:46 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • My oldest boy was just like that. The perfect kid in every way. It doesn't matter. He still was a drug user, and users are VERY manipulative. They can be the most charming people on the planet bc they know that being that way gets them a lot of slack, and less time under the microscope. Based on your story, I still say look into rehab. Most rehabs are so backed up that he won't be eligible for weeks, or even months. So start now, and if he continues down this path, you will be ready for it.

    Answer by Nimue930 at 6:03 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • Try and work it out through mediation. When it's more formal, he can't avoid it. Are you required to let him have visitation rights? If not, then I would just not let him spend time with the dad anymore. You could also just call the school and tell them what the dad did with the fake note. Then, the dad might get in trouble and the son wouldn't get to go to prom. Tell his coaches about his pot. Sure, he'll be mad but he's gotta learn about consequences. It seems like you have to make a choice to either keep dealing with this or let him go and be ruled by his dad completely (which includes letting the dad deal with all consequences). They both need a lesson. Maybe giving them what they want will do just that.

    Answer by hellokittykat at 9:29 PM on Apr. 26, 2013