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I'm so furious right now! UPDATED in comments! adult content

First- a little backstory:
My son is 18, going to graduate HS next month.
Last year we caught with "synthetic pot", had a big fight, he's going to clean up his act, etc.
This February we caught him with actual pot, found out he was robotripping (abusing cough syrup), molly, ecstasy, acid....
I went full on intervention on the kid. Took phone and laptop, cleaned out his room, I even contacted a few of his friends and told them I have screenshots of their texts regarding sale/use of drugs with my son, and if they contact him again, I'll call the cops.
Again, he said he's going to clean up his act, focus on graduation and college (he's still on honor roll thru all this!) I cannot force him to apply to schools, I can't forcibly enlist him in the military, I am so concerned for his future! He tests on the advanced level for Math & Science. The Air Force would love to have him, but he has to pass a DRUG TEST FIRST!! DUH!

Tomorrow is Prom. I got a call from the school at 2:00 telling me that because he was late for school today, and didn't have a Dr.'s note, he was not eligible to attend prom. I called him, he was with his dad. Told him what I heard from school, and told him to put his dad on the phone. His dad says, well call the Dr, and get him a note. I said "He stayed at your house last night, and didn't go to school, YOU get him the note!" Dad says "He wasn't here..."

Little shit stayed out all night with one of his pot smoking friends. ( I have no proof that he did any drugs last night, I just know where he stayed. If I had proof at this point it would be straight to rehab. I have warned hm that I will NOT fuck around, and will not tolerate drug use. This will be his third strike and he will be OUT!!)

I am trying to teach this child that there are consequences for his actions. No prom. He has to call his date and explain to her/her parents that he can't take her. I spent $200 on his tux and flowers for NOTHING. I am BROKE this week over this stupid prom.
Trying to teach him that his behavior not only effects him, but me, my DH, his dad and his wife, their kids, and now his date, her family, etc.....

I get a text 20 minutes later. "Dad called the doctor- they are faxing a note to the school so I can go."

He is also scheduled to race tonight. Of course he is a kid- he pays for none of this. His dad does.
I called his dad and said "I hope to god you are not letting him drive that car tonight. I'd make him take a piss test before he goes anywhere."
My ex says "I'm not getting into this with you." And hung up on me.

How can I possibly discipline my son when his dad lets him do what ever he wants!?!?

I am so furious. Yes, at my kid for his stupid decisions, but more at his father for steam rolling me!

Now the weird part of this is that my ex and I only live a block away from each other. We're both remarried, etc, and get along well otherwise. Part of me thinks I should throw my kid out, send him up there, and let his dad handle things and be the parent for a change, instead of the "good time dad". But I feel it's more of a punishment against my ex than my son. I'm very angry right now (this happened about 2 hours ago) and I don't want to make any decisions in haste. I feel like my hands are tied!

Any advice????

 
PartyGalAnne

Asked by PartyGalAnne at 4:02 PM on Apr. 26, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 39 (113,289 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • Hi Party Anne,
    I think this is the first "serious" post I've ever read of yours. Kudos to you for taking action and standing your ground with your teen. My DD was a pain at that age (is in her 20s now and is past all of that bs).

    Too bad the ex doesn't support you in cracking down. I hope it all turned out ok.
    tasches

    Answer by tasches at 7:34 PM on Apr. 30, 2013

  • Call me a mean mom but if my the first time I caught my 16 yr old rehab wouldve been the frist thing and then I would have turned in all her little friends to their parents and the cops!!! You gotta stop it from the start not wait till it gets out of hand. I have a brother that was respectful and charming and all those nice things and my mom was so surprised when she found out he was on drugs. She didnt deal with it right so now my brother is a no account loser that I dont even associate myself with and I dont want around my kids. Its sad to say but he is 18 and about to graduate and you cant make an 18 yr old do anything they dont want having said that I would so kick his ass out and not let him take a damn thing out of my house. You have raised him and been a great mom and this is how he repays you with this embarrassment and disrespectfulness.... His tail would be gone!! Let his dumbass dad deal with it.
    Fairymom32

    Answer by Fairymom32 at 7:11 PM on May. 5, 2013

  • We are in the same boat. My son continuosly smokes pot. I am also sick over it
    mompam

    Answer by mompam at 4:28 PM on May. 2, 2013

  • Anne - you're doing the right thing. Stay strong sistah!
    KPBMom

    Answer by KPBMom at 10:40 PM on Apr. 30, 2013

  • I have not heard from him since. He finished last in his race Friday night- there's Karma for you!
    He snuck in while I was at work Friday night and took the tux and flowers, and went to the prom Saturday. I saw pics on Facebook.

    I told him he can come home before 9pm tonight, OR he can stay at Disneyland Dad's, but his cell phone will be turned off tomorrow, and I'll be removing him from our car insurance.

    Somehow, I think he thinks he is punishing me, which in a way he is... I'm freaking sick over this whole thing.
    I did nothing wrong. I am holding him accountable for his actions: Lying, staying out all night, missing school, and basically being disrespectful.

    I only want the best for him, to make sure he finishes school, and to start thinking about his future. I already warned him. He will not live here and not work or be in school, and he sure as hell isn't going to do drugs in my house.
    PartyGalAnne

    Comment by PartyGalAnne (original poster) at 8:21 PM on Apr. 30, 2013

  • What was your first indication he was using?
    In a similar boat with my teen
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:26 AM on Apr. 28, 2013

  • PGA, I am so sorry you're going through this! It's heartbreaking and hurtful that he's disrespected you in this way and his dad should be very ashamed!
    Sounds to me like you and your ex need to have a meeting of the minds. Maybe ex isn't grasping the truth here. Especially the possibility of him not graduating.
    Graduations are for the parents! You worked your ass off to provide everything he needs to make it this far and I'd be kicking ex's ass if he allowed him to skip that over racing! You're ENTITLED to that! I'm getting pissed as I type!
    As I said earlier, I'm sorry and hope to see graduation pictures posted here next month. Hugs!
    PMSMom10

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 11:50 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • Try and work it out through mediation. When it's more formal, he can't avoid it. Are you required to let him have visitation rights? If not, then I would just not let him spend time with the dad anymore. You could also just call the school and tell them what the dad did with the fake note. Then, the dad might get in trouble and the son wouldn't get to go to prom. Tell his coaches about his pot. Sure, he'll be mad but he's gotta learn about consequences. It seems like you have to make a choice to either keep dealing with this or let him go and be ruled by his dad completely (which includes letting the dad deal with all consequences). They both need a lesson. Maybe giving them what they want will do just that.
    hellokittykat

    Answer by hellokittykat at 9:29 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • My oldest boy was just like that. The perfect kid in every way. It doesn't matter. He still was a drug user, and users are VERY manipulative. They can be the most charming people on the planet bc they know that being that way gets them a lot of slack, and less time under the microscope. Based on your story, I still say look into rehab. Most rehabs are so backed up that he won't be eligible for weeks, or even months. So start now, and if he continues down this path, you will be ready for it.
    Nimue930

    Answer by Nimue930 at 6:03 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • You have the tux and flowers. He broke the rules whether he lied to the school or not. Return the tux and chuck the flowers and say NO>
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 5:46 PM on Apr. 26, 2013