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My 11 year old daughter is driving me crazy!! Any advise would be much appreciated

I will try to keep this as short as I can, I believe I could write a book on!!

My daughter is 11 years old and we seem to argue alot she just knows how to aggravate me. She is very disrespectful to me she does not really act like this way with her father or anyone else. I'll just list things below.

1. I can ask her to clean her room days in a row and she won't or she'll say no, I don't want to etc..The same goes for taking a shower or cleaning up after herself. Everything is a constant struggle.

2. She has clothes but she always wants to wear the same thing over and over again, people must think we can't afford clothes. I tell her to change and she throws a fit. The other morning I went in her room before school and she took her pants out of the hamper and had them on...I said no change you have clothes, she says I don't like them and she told me...Don't you talk to me that way!! I told her not to talk to me like that. I buy her nice clothes and they sit in the closet with tags on, she will say she likes them and then refuses to wear them or only wears once or twice. I refuse to waste any more money on clothes that she does not appreciate! Do I let her dress like a slob? I don't want to...I don't want her to be made fun of because eventually that will happen.

3. We joined the YMCA so we could work out together. She always complains about it, my ankle hurts, I'm tired, etc... She was all excited in the start but the initial fun wore off.

4. When she goes out with her grandma and aunt they always let her buy things or she buys things with her money. Everytime we go out she thinks she has to buy, buy, buy. I tell her no and she's like it's my money!!

5. If I don't do what she wants when she wants it she gets angry.

6. She wanted to play the cello at school. I had to rent a cello for over $40.00 a month and she does not even practice at home. I've asked many times and I just get grumped at so I gave up but I told her I will not rent it next year. Well what do you think happened? She came home yesterday with the papers for next year and she says if I promise to practice 4 times a week for the rest of this year can I do it next year? I said no and I gave her all the reasons and she kept going on, she said will you at least think about it.

I know there is the pre teen rebelling stage but this is beyond that. I mean there is alot more I can write and probably more that I can't think of right now because I am flustered. Should I put her in counseling? When she was younger she went to counseling in first and second grade because she was pulling out her eyelashes! It was the stress at school and her worrying about such a young age!! And she has started again in the past year or so. I guess I let her get away with alot becasue I don't want her to pull out her eyelashes out of anger because I yelled at her, thats why I try to be patient and talk nice but some times I get pushed to the point were I explode. I don't know what to do.

She is not like this all the time but when she is it is bad. I don't believe it is typical behavior...maybe it is. I just want to have a good realtionship with her now and in the future but she makes it so hard!! At times she is so unenjoyable.

Any advise is appreciated if this is something you went thru or are going thru as well. I am just looking for some help, guidance and support. Please don't leave any comments if they are going to be rude or mean...I have enough of that!!

Thanks :)

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Asked by emeraldeyes98 at 5:50 PM on Apr. 26, 2013 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 4 (32 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • I dont need to read all of it to tell you, you have to take control of this situation. She says she doesn't want to clean her room, then tell her you will do it, but everything I pick up, I am keeping and you won't get it back. Then do it. Take in big bags, clean it up and donate it. If she won't shower, tell her she won't leave the house until she is clean. Then make her stay home from all the fun stuff she wants to do. If she goes out with aunt and grandma and is ok, but is rude to you, tell her she can't go out with them until she has learned to control her mouth and attitude. At eleven, you need to grab a hold of it now or you are going to have a total hellion on your hands at age 16. (as far as her clothes go, let her wear the same old stuff. Peer pressure will change that faster than you can!!)

    Answer by Nimue930 at 5:57 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • Did you ever think of taking the worn clothes out of her hamper that same night. Problem solved.
    She won't clean her room. Make the rule that if you have to pick it up it goes in the trash.
    She gets all excited and then she loses interest .. normal
    won't practice... normal.
    You don't practice, you don't watch TV or play wii or go out etc.
    She gets mad if you don't do something in her time frame ... so what? Don't give in.
    She wants to spend her money when she goes out... again so what?... If she spends it she doesn't get any more.
    This is typical 11 year old behaviour and you are the adult and in control which means you do not rise to the bait when she pushes your buttons.

    Answer by Dardenella at 6:03 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • Thanks @Nimue930, I know I need to stop her behavior before she gets older because then I know it will be 100 times worse. The clothes thing bothers me because I see all the other kids and they look nice and then here she is with the same black yoga pants and sweatshirt everyday!! She has nice clothes she just won't wear them!! I guess your right I should just let it go. Its a power struggle.

    Comment by emeraldeyes98 (original poster) at 6:08 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • I agree with Nimue and Dard. You need to get a grip on your daughter soon or the situation will escalate. Counseling is a good idea, but she's learned that she can play you with the threat of getting angry and pulling out her eyelashes. Don't let her. She doesn't want to clean her room? Tell her we all have to do things we don't want to do, and she's not going anywhere till she does it; stick to that. If you have to clean up for her, she starts losing her things because she can't seem to take care of them. Empty the hamper often, but don't let her leave the house for anything besides school if she can't shower and put on clean clothes. Natural consequences. If she's rude, tell her you won't be spoken to that way and leave the room. As hard as it is, don't blow up at her, but also don't stand there and be yelled at. If she spends her money, fine, she runs out. But if she misbehaves, withhold her allowance.

    Answer by Ballad at 6:19 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • Yep. There are some power struggles you just can't win, and shouldn't even try. Im 49, and I can remember a hard lesson I learned from my peer group at age 14. My mom tried to tell me, I didn't listen, but comments from my peers REALLY made me shape up!! When my boys were this age and older, the two power struggles I didn't engage in was clothes and hair. School dress codes and their peers would do more than I could, and I saved my intervention for things that really mattered, like homework, attitude, responsibility.

    Answer by Nimue930 at 6:21 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • "The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude towards the problem." Captain Jack Sparrow. lol
    Remove your self from getting mad and come up with a tricky secret plan to get her to do what you want. Like you can have a sleep over but imagine if your friends saw how you lived gross or tell her you can smell her maybe she should change or the dryer ate your shirt. lol
    But really it could be a sing of a personality disorder. good luck

    Answer by pinkparcel at 6:52 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • Cloths she keep wearing over and over. Take them from her, or just trash them. Refuses to clean her room. Take the door off the room so she has no privacy. Their must be something she loves. Stop letting her go out with her gradparents. Tell them she has not be good enough to go.
    Me, I would spank her.

    Answer by louise2 at 7:22 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • I think you should not let her hang out with GMa and the aunt anymore. Their rules are counteracting yours. I agree with no cello until she can straighten up and prove responsibility for a year. Every privilege must be earned. Don't just give things to kids or they will be spoiled. I would start her out with small tasks with small rewards since positive reinforcement has been shown to be better at behavioral changes than punishment. Not saying not to punish but you need to support things she does right so she has an incentive to keep doing them. Structure her day with time blocks and SPECIFIC tasks. Get her assessed for ADD, too. Kids who act out tend to have other issues, such as poor reading/social skills or biological issues, so they'll cover it up with bad behavior. It's not a bad idea to send her to afterschool or summer boot camp either.

    Answer by hellokittykat at 8:08 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • Yes, definitely get her into counseling asap! Her history of behavior needs to be analyzed for other causes. I recommend finding one that is a psychologist or social worker. There are some counselors that do not have these specific titles and every one has different training. Check to see if your school has one (every district usually has at least 1 school psychologist). She might be able to see one for free during school time that way or they could refer one to you. You have to make it clear right away that you are in charge at home. She can sleep in an empty room if she continues that behavior (no toys, no electronics, no fun at all). No leeway and consistency is key. She must comply with all conditions before she gets any rewards.

    Answer by hellokittykat at 8:18 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

  • I just want to say good luck....and tell me what works!! I have an 11 year old too and whew it is tough!!! Hang in there!

    Answer by wifemomteacher at 9:16 PM on Apr. 26, 2013

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