I don't know what to do here. My baby is in pain, and I want to help, but I also understand this is between her and her dad. I am fighting the urge to rip him a new one in an email. He is such a jack ass. I just want to scream. Here is part of an email my daughter sent me about her father sending her a text, and when she didn't respond, going back to his manipulative, it's your fault not mine, ways.
His last message had that same guilt-trippy, condescending thing that used to make me feel miserable back then, and it really got to me. He just can't do that kind of thing to me, it's the reason things didn't work out in the first place, he made me feel bad about myself and bad about my feelings. Every time I'd try to talk to him about it, he'd make me feel like crap, like my feelings didn't matter as much as his and like I was crazy for feeling anything at all. But what I'm doing now isn't working either, because it's not that hard for him to get to me. At some point I need to confront him and let him know how I feel, because he obviously doesn't have a clue. But I tried to tell him back then too and he just shut me down, ( She was upset about him running off with his pregnant seretary, and he would tell her she needed to grow up, and deal, she was 12. Eventually he told her thay they needed to spend some time apart. That was 13 years ago) but at least then I'd know for sure if he even has a chance of changing. I just don't think he gets that I'm not even mad at him anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm not still hurt, and that there was something fundamentally wrong about the relationship that made me feel the way he made me feel. It's just not how a parent should make you feel. So I don't know, a miracle could happen he could go woah, I'm so sorry, or the more likely situation is that it'll just make him mad like it used to and he'll just not get it. But either way, I need some kind of closure, because not confronting him isn't working as well as it used to. Not talking to him was just my way of protecting myself, but if all he has to do is write a three sentence snippy message to get to me that badly, then I need to figure something else out, because I'm not 12 anymore, and I should be able to deflect something like that better. I really don't trust him at all, so it's really hard to even trust him with writing back to tell him to simmer down without being afraid he'd see that as his opportunity to pounce. Anyway, I'll paste the messages below.
Hi, it's Dad. I hear you are in town and would love to get together with you. The kids are aching to meet you. Let's get together this weekend. Let me know when you have time. I miss you more than you know and want to catch up with you. (note he acts like nothing is wrong, and it's just been awhile since they had time to get together, no big deal)
Do you remember when I took you to an Elton John concert and it was way too loud? I remember we left early because of that. I think of you daily and miss you so much. I pray that you forgive me and come back onto my life. I love you and am so proud of you! ( How about I'm so sorry i hurt you, what I did to you was wrong, I know that now, what do I have to do to earn your forgiveness. I will do anything.)
And the knife in the back when she doesn't respond
I'm sorry that you wont communicate with me. God forgives but you wont, that is really sad. I will always love you and I'm sorry that you don't love me. I am certaiy not perfect but who is? I love you and hope that the next time I see you isn't in heaven. (again, not taking responsibility for his actions, and hiding behind God. He has done nothing to earn forgiveness, but she's the one who should forgive, AHHHHH!!!!, I want to scream at him soooo bad.)
Answer by tessiedawg at 1:14 AM on Apr. 29, 2013
Answer by Ballad at 1:09 AM on Apr. 29, 2013
Answer by Hollyhock. at 1:18 AM on Apr. 29, 2013
Answer by wendythewriter at 7:55 AM on Apr. 29, 2013
Answer by QuinnMae at 9:30 AM on Apr. 29, 2013
You sound so angry. If you let go of the anger and move past hating him, your daughter could have a chance to let her father and step siblings love her. Be supportive and try some positive approaches with this all. Everyone makes mistakes.. At least he is trying. What he did was wrong, but people can change. Your daughter should get to meet her step siblings. To not support an opportunity for our kids to receive love is wrong. The past is done and I am sure he regrets what happened, don't take away your daughters chance to heal, by only looking for the negative. At least give him a chance to make up for what has gone wrong. If it doesn't go well then she can make a decision on what is best for her.
Answer by LeJane at 11:16 AM on Apr. 29, 2013
Answer by LeJane at 9:17 PM on Apr. 30, 2013
Next question in Relationships
Can the Department of Children and Families help me?
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