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I'm so mad I want to scream! (vent)

I don't know what to do here. My baby is in pain, and I want to help, but I also understand this is between her and her dad. I am fighting the urge to rip him a new one in an email. He is such a jack ass. I just want to scream. Here is part of an email my daughter sent me about her father sending her a text, and when she didn't respond, going back to his manipulative, it's your fault not mine, ways.

His last message had that same guilt-trippy, condescending thing that used to make me feel miserable back then, and it really got to me. He just can't do that kind of thing to me, it's the reason things didn't work out in the first place, he made me feel bad about myself and bad about my feelings. Every time I'd try to talk to him about it, he'd make me feel like crap, like my feelings didn't matter as much as his and like I was crazy for feeling anything at all. But what I'm doing now isn't  working either, because it's not that hard for him to get to me.  At some point I need to confront him and let him know how I feel, because he obviously doesn't have a clue. But I tried to tell him back then too and he just shut me down, ( She was upset about him running off with his pregnant seretary, and he would tell her she needed to grow up, and deal, she was 12. Eventually he told her thay they needed to spend some time apart. That was 13 years ago) but at least then I'd know for sure if he even has a chance of changing. I just don't think he gets that I'm not even mad at him anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm not still hurt, and that there was something fundamentally wrong about the relationship that made me feel the way he made me feel. It's just not how a parent should make you feel. So I don't know, a miracle could happen he could go woah, I'm so sorry, or the more likely situation is that it'll just make him mad like it used to and he'll just not get it. But either way, I need some kind of closure, because not confronting him isn't working as well as it used to. Not talking to him was just my way of protecting myself, but if all he has to do is write a three sentence snippy message to get to me that badly, then I need to figure something else out, because I'm not 12 anymore, and I should be able to deflect something like that better.  I really don't trust him at all, so it's really hard to even trust him with writing back to tell him to simmer down without being afraid he'd see that as his opportunity to pounce. Anyway, I'll paste the messages below.

Hi, it's Dad. I hear you are in town and would love to get together with you. The kids are aching to meet you. Let's get together this weekend. Let me know when you have time. I miss you more than you know and want to catch up with you. (note he acts like nothing is wrong, and it's just been awhile since they had time to get together, no big deal)

Later

Do you remember when I took you to an Elton John concert and it was way too loud? I remember we left early because of that. I think of you daily and miss you so much. I pray that you forgive me and come back onto my life. I love you and am so proud of you! (  How about I'm so sorry i hurt you, what I did to you was wrong, I know that now, what do I have to do to earn your forgiveness. I will do anything.)

And the knife in the back when she doesn't respond

I'm sorry that you wont communicate with me. God forgives but you wont, that is really sad. I will always love you and I'm sorry that you don't love me. I am certaiy not perfect but who is? I love you and hope that the next time I see you isn't in heaven. (again, not taking responsibility for his actions, and hiding behind God. He has done nothing to earn forgiveness, but she's the one who should forgive, AHHHHH!!!!, I want to scream at him soooo bad.)

 
musicmaker

Asked by musicmaker at 1:04 AM on Apr. 29, 2013 in Relationships

Level 28 (34,183 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • Your DD sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. It's awful that he is so manipulative. It might make her feel better to change her number since the texts upset her. She may really benefit from taking charge of access he has to her. GL and give her a huge hug.

    PS- "God forgives, but you can't." Since when is she God? and who's to say she hasn't forgiven him, but just doesn't want contact. He's a jerk.
    tessiedawg

    Answer by tessiedawg at 1:14 AM on Apr. 29, 2013

  • Change yournumber, block him, don't put up with that crap. I know how hard it is to have parents who hurt you and then don't acknowledge what they did or how it made you feel--been there, done that--but nothing you say will get him to see things your way. You'll only get hurt more if you try.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 1:09 AM on Apr. 29, 2013

  • My dad is the exact same way! He has even left voicemails on my phone at 2am when he was drunk. I'm sorry this is happening, but I agree 100% with Ballad. Having no contact with my dad is so much better than the crap he was pulling.
    Hollyhock.

    Answer by Hollyhock. at 1:18 AM on Apr. 29, 2013

  • While I wouldn't get involved, per se, I would say one thing to her. I would say this: I want you to set aside the fact that he is your father. Pretend he is an old boyfriend, or a friend that hurt you the way he has. If he weren't your father, how would you deal with him/this? Whatever that is, is what you should be doing here.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 7:55 AM on Apr. 29, 2013

  • Well, I don't know what he did that needs her forgiveness other than the things you mentioned. It's hard when you realize that no matter what you do (forgive or not), that some people just are who they are. It sucks to feel that way about someone that is family. All you can do is make peace with what has happened and forgive for your own well being. Forgiveness does not mean that you need to continue to give opportunities to hurt you though. Maybe a message back saying that she has forgiven him and moved forward, but isn't ready to redefine their relationship yet. Then she needs to decide if she wants him in her life and if so, in what capacity. It doesn't should like he was there for her, so he's obviously not a parent figure to her.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 9:30 AM on Apr. 29, 2013

  • You sound so angry. If you let go of the anger and move past hating him, your daughter could have a chance to let her father and step siblings love her. Be supportive and try some positive approaches with this all. Everyone makes mistakes.. At least he is trying. What he did was wrong, but people can change. Your daughter should get to meet her step siblings. To not support an opportunity for our kids to receive love is wrong. The past is done and I am sure he regrets what happened, don't take away your daughters chance to heal, by only looking for the negative. At least give him a chance to make up for what has gone wrong. If it doesn't go well then she can make a decision on what is best for her.  

    LeJane

    Answer by LeJane at 11:16 AM on Apr. 29, 2013

  • Le jane, I have never interfered with letting my daughter have a relationship with her father. The decision to not have a relationship was his decision. He was the one who said they needed time apart. I have always told her that I have no problem with her seeing her dad. My son does visit his dad. However my son was 6 when my ex left, and is autistic, and wasn't as emotionally damaged by his dad.  My daughter does not feel ready to start a relationship with him because he hurt her emotionally so badly. I am not going to encourage her to get hurt again. I am not taking away her chance to heal. He is by not accepting responsibility for his actions. He has done nothing to earn her forgiveness.

    musicmaker

    Comment by musicmaker (original poster) at 12:47 AM on Apr. 30, 2013

  • I understand what you are saying. He abandoned her for many years. Kids however take their cues from us. If you have carried this anger towards him with you and felt free to criticize him in front of her , I am not surprised that she considers herself an "emotional victim". I have been through some major trauma with my daughter and she is no ones' victim.
    My point was - if you change your attitude, it might help her. I am not trying to be rude. I just sense that you are still letting him control you and not in a positive way. Hugs !!!!!
    LeJane

    Answer by LeJane at 9:17 PM on Apr. 30, 2013

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