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What would you do?

Our son (10 yrs old) has made a new friend. He just moved to our area in January. He's not from far away, about 12 miles away, but is new at our school. Anyway, they made friends right off the bat. I was so proud of our son, he's always the one to make friends with the new kids.
He's always out to make everyone feel good, and we're very proud of him for that. But.... He went to sleepover at the new boys house this past Friday. I've met and spoke to the Mom, and know where they live, etc... They bought a beautiful home here, and it has a little land with it, so the boys were excited to explore.
Our son rode the bus home with the boy, and I assumed they would play, hang out there, stay up late, and then play some more on Saturday, and then we'd pick our son up, and come home.
The Mom didn't say they were going anywhere, she had said they were taking the day off Friday from work so they would be home when the kids got off the bus. She didn't say anything else.
I sent our oldest over to pick our son up on Sat because I couldn't get back from town quick enough, so I didn't get to talk to the Mom. He got home, was extremely crabby. I figured he was up late, and was tired, so I let it go.
The evening went on, I made supper, he was asleep, so I put his in the fridge. He woke up, I heated it up, and as he was eating he told me about his stay.... He said there was an abandoned truck on the back of their property, and that he and the little boy were taking stuff off of it, and messing around in it. I was a little worried because of snakes, and the fact that our son is highly allergic to poison ivy. Don't get me wrong, I want him to have fun, and be a boy. He rides dirt bikes, and plays in the mud, but when we have kids over they are only to go so far, but if we can't see them they've gone too far.
So, he then says they went to a tavern, he described the place, pool tables, video games, karaoke, and it was loud. I was a little upset, but I didn't say that to our son. I don't want him to think he can't be friends with the boy, or think it was his fault, or that he was in trouble.
So, they stayed up really late friday, and then played out in the field all day saturday. Which I don't mind, but the tavern, and the old truck is of concern. Also the fact that he slept from 6pm Saturday eve, woke for an hour or so, and then went right back to bed and slept until 9am Sunday morning...... I'm not sure whether to call the Mom, or let it go. What would you do? Thanks!

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:09 PM on Apr. 29, 2013 in Tweens (9-12)

This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • I wouldn't be so concerned about the truck. I would be sure to make sure he knows what poison ivy looks like so not to go near it.

    The tavern though...that I'm not sure of. Do you know the place? What did the boys do? Where were the boys parents and what were they doing? I'd check it out myself before I would react. If it is more of a bar than a restaurant, I'd keep my kid from going over there again...but if it's more of a restaurant than a bar, then I'd probably let it go and just mention next time to the mom that you'd prefer they not go back there again.
    AllAboutKeeley

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 12:19 PM on Apr. 29, 2013

  • I would let it go but next time he stays over there tell the mom you would like to know if she plans on taking your son anywhere else but their home. I would let the truck thing go completely
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 12:20 PM on Apr. 29, 2013

  • I grew up different then a lot of people I've met online and in life elsewhere. The truck would not bother me, I would expect my 10 yr old to know how to identify poision ivy and to avoid it.(I would have also made the other mother aware of his allergy just incase). I would not expect my 10 yr old to be in view at all times but I would expect to know where he is at all times(or the adult in charge to).

    The tavern would probably not worry me like allaboutkeely said if it was a bar/resturaunt and not a seedy bar somewhere I wouldn't worry. Plus the parents where there and I'm assuming supervising the boys. If I didn't feel safe leaving my child with the parent then he wouldn't have gone, but I expect my son to behave and know when he should call me if unsafe as well.

    As far as the sleeping...you knew he wouldn't get much if any sleep when he went over there. Even if they had stayed in the house 24/7 they wouldn't.
    tntmom1027

    Answer by tntmom1027 at 12:58 PM on Apr. 29, 2013

  • If small boys were in the tavern, it must have been more of a restaurant than a bar, because a full-blown bar can't let kids in. I'd just let the mom know that next time, you'd prefer that she inform you if she plans to take your son anywhere besides her home, but keep it non-confrontational. And thumbs up to your son for befriending the new kids!
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 1:06 PM on Apr. 29, 2013

  • Never let my kid go over there again.... (that's just me though)...
    m-avi

    Answer by m-avi at 12:11 PM on Apr. 29, 2013

  • I would call the Mom to thank her for her care, time, effort she made to make the day special to my son.... I would like to know an adult description who has supervised my son of how has it gone and ask her to let me know the next time if it was ok for them to go anywhere else. If unplanned I would expect a phone call from my son/the Mom asking for permision.
    kujus04

    Answer by kujus04 at 1:15 PM on Apr. 29, 2013

  • It sounds like they took him out to dinner. That would be my assumption. Did you have another sense of it? (Like, it wasn't your son & his friend as the "we went," it was the family, right?)
    Your objection was that the mom didn't mention any intention of going out, and didn't ask you about it first? She just assumed that going out for supper with the boys would be okay?
    "Abandoned truck" can mean a wide range of things depending on the degree of degradation & the setting (overgrown or not.) Snakes & rust might be a factor, or not really. Sounds like they had a great time and had a lot of latitude/freedom. If you are comfortable with more supervision or structure, you might feel concerned or uneasy about this. It doesn't mean anything "wrong" happened, but that the situation was outside your comfort zone (or simply wasn't quite what you expected, so you're surprised & adjusting internally.)
    I gave my daughter's friend a ride to
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:29 PM on Apr. 29, 2013

  • an after school practice they have an hour after school gets out, because her mom had a school board meeting right after school & couldn't drive her. The mom asked me via email & I let her know it was no problem. I had plans to take my kids to a nearby cafe for the time between school & rehearsal, and I just took the friend along too. (Her older sister was there at the same cafe, with other friends.) I had not mentioned to the mom that I was planning this & I didn't think to run it by her before going.
    I hope if she had an issue with it she'd let me know (at least if it were enough of an issue to interfere with her allowing her daughter to come over & visit.)

    I guess I can see how parents might just include a friend in their regular plans or in a treat (like going out for dinner) without running it by the other parents, such as going for pizza, or for burgers at a local "tavern," or out for ice cream. Is that what happened?
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:38 PM on Apr. 29, 2013

  • Oh, as far as what to do, maybe sort through your feelings & clarify your preferences, and then just call the mom. Especially since you didn't get a chance to talk to her at pickup. (That probably contributes to your sense of disconnect around the whole thing.) Check in, express your appreciation & any feedback you picked up from your son, and maybe ask how things went (since you didn't get the chance to check in with her after the visit.)
    As far as what you "address," go with your gut. If you know that you want to know up front about any "extra" plans like going out to dinner (and that would address your concerns), maybe keep that in mind for any possible next times. If you are really unhappy with things from this time, you may want to talk to her about your objections or concerns. Go ahead and do that after hearing her take on the visit.
    Chances are I'd process my feelings myself & would have nothing to cover after that.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:47 PM on Apr. 29, 2013

  • One thing you might consider the next time you let your son go to anyone's house is letting the parents know that he is highly allergic to posion ivy. If he had gotten in a batch and had a reaction it could have been bad for everyone. It's one thing that I make a point of asking any child's parents when the kids stay at my house. Comes back to having a foster child that I had to rush to the emergency room who was allergic to bee stings and no one had said anything.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 4:55 PM on Apr. 29, 2013

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