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2 Bumps

How can you deal with your 14 Year old step son who thinks he owns your life!

Me and my husband have been married for 3 years now, before he took in his step kids they were living in a poor condition with their mother. The first time they moved in with us, he was my friend and we would get along very well together, until they started getting visits from their mother and it just turned everything upside down. Now my step son thinks that he is the boss of my house and he can not listen to any of my house rules. He does not want to help around the house. He knows how to get on my nerves and I have put up with that for the past year or so. Now I am really down and low and pretty much wants to give up this life if the father does not do anything. I did everything their mum did not do. I hhave always been there for them and not said a word of giving up. I have been very good to them for the part 3 years.

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Susan1302

Asked by Susan1302 at 4:04 PM on May. 7, 2013 in Teens (13-17)

Level 3 (16 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • The best thing you can do is tell the dad exactly how you feel and what's going on. He will either get on board and address this, or he won't. If he doesn't, you can stay and be miserable with a kid who is being a little jerk. Now a lot of 14 year olds are jerks, and they are worse when there is a parent screwing things up (like bio mom). But he can be taught to mind if his dad will step up and see that he needs to give this kid some boundaries. Or, you can leave and walk away from all of it. Which is the better decision?
    Nimue930

    Answer by Nimue930 at 4:09 PM on May. 7, 2013

  • You and dh need to sit down and discuss guidelines and take back over control of your home. 14 year olds should not be running the home. He wants to go to the movies? Then he needs to earn the money and have chores completed. Wants to go to a game? Room has to be cleaned. It's called tough love and sometimes I think it's more because it's tougher on the parents then the teen. It's pretty simple concept in that it's "My house. My rules." Don't like them tuff cookie.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 4:09 PM on May. 7, 2013

  • Yikes... that's why I never got involved with anyone that had kids already. Only you can stop this though. You need to talk to his father about setting up a plan to stop his behavior. No chances, no times outs, none of that crap... just plain ole fashion, do it, or lose it.
    m-avi

    Answer by m-avi at 4:14 PM on May. 7, 2013

  • Your husband needs to handle this situation. It's not yours to handle, but he should lay down the law and then he should be the one to enforce it. If there are aspects of it that he wants you to handle, then he should tell his son that you are in charge and he is to be respectful and obedient to you. He should also be told my his dad that if he doesn't do that, the boy will answer to his dad.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 4:16 PM on May. 7, 2013

  • These are the dad's kids and he needs to lay down some law. You need to have straightforward talk with him. You may need to go to counseling to actually communicate with him.
    Fact is, those kids are hurting. What should have been a stable homelife was not and they suffered. They may also need some counseling to help them deal with their issues.

    But frankly at 14 this sounds like normal to me.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 4:20 PM on May. 7, 2013

  • Have you talked to your stepson to figure out what's going on in his head? I agree that the bottom line is you and your husband need to get on the same page about setting and enforcing rules, and that a 14-year-old shouldn't be calling all the shots. But at the same time, the kid is going through a lot of confused emotions, most likely. Maybe he feels disloyal to his mother, who hasn't been there for him, if he accepts your love and parenting. It can't hurt to communicate, maybe with the help of a counselor if you two are prone to getting spun up and arguing. Also, tell the boy how you feel when he acts out. Not threatening punishment or getting angry, but the way his defiance makes you feel discouraged and depressed and ready to give up. Teens don't always think about the consequences of their actions yet, and it may not have occurred to the kid how miserable he is making you.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 4:21 PM on May. 7, 2013

  • Everyone needs to sit down and talk, with the father being the one to lay down the rules firmly as well as spend some time alone with his son to see whats going on in his mind.
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 6:32 PM on May. 7, 2013

  • I'm in the minority here but when you married your dh you became equal partners in ALL things. The house and the rules that are set are equally yours. It needs to be both of you talking to him. Letting him know that you both love him and it's ok to have feelings about birthmom. Your husband can talk to him seperately if he wants but you need to present a united front.

    When I married my dh we both have children from previous marriages. Now they are OUR adult children and are treated the same. We are raising 3 of our grandkids. 2 from his side and 1 from mine. They are OUR children not his/mine. Ether of us deciding on what happens with them. If it's something major then we talk together but there is no his and mine. I think that's where a lot of couples run into trouble. They never truely become one in all things and children is a biggie.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 10:13 AM on May. 8, 2013

  • well if you have that kind of problem you can call a family meeting and you discuss and if it is not possible you leave the country and find your life
    Victoria M.

    Answer by Victoria M. at 2:50 PM on May. 14, 2013

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