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3 Bumps

Mom wants to see daughter

I met my DH when SD was a year old we married and I adopted her at 3. The mother was never really involved she was a drug addict she saw her maybe twice after she left and SD is now 8. She keeps calling DH asking if she can see SD we both told her no she is no longer legally SD's mother and she is still doing drugs I really don't want her in and out of SD's life opinions?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:13 AM on May. 13, 2013 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Answers (28)
  • If she is still doing drugs I completely agree with the answer of NO. I would also make sure to be very adamant with the school about who can and more importantly, who CAN'T pick her up or take her out of school early.

    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 10:16 AM on May. 13, 2013

  • We don't know if she is still on drugs this is the first time DH and I have heard from her in years. My opinion in the situation is she gave up her rights and I adopted her so now BM has no rights. I don't think she should be able to choose when she comes in and out of child's life.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:23 AM on May. 13, 2013

  • It's hard but you're also going to have to think about what happens when this little girl turns 15, 16, 17, etc. She WILL start questioning things and if she finds out she had a chance to know her birth mom & you denied it things can turn out bad. Instead of flat out saying no you might have lunch at McDonalds and see how it goes. If she's on drugs tell the mom that's it. If not then you can always set up another visit.

    I have been there as my 3 oldest are adopted. The youngest wanted to find her dad at 16. We had to wait until she turned 18 to find her dad but I did it for her. They are also in contact with their birthgrandmother, aunt and a younger sister who was born after they were removed. Visiting was done on our rules but it was good for everyone. If this mom has changed then your daughter deserves the chance to have another person who loves her.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 10:35 AM on May. 13, 2013

  • You are her mother now- legally & in every other sense of the word. Even if bio mom is clean & sober, she gave up her rights. Yes it sucks that her addiction cost her something very precious, but you stepped up & did what she could not or would not do, be that child's mom. You are the only mom she's known. I think it would be very confusing & difficult on your child to have this stranger re-enter her life. Just knowing that she's doing well should be comfort enough to the bio mom. That's all she needs to know.

    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 10:45 AM on May. 13, 2013

  • My daughter is 8 when she is 16 or 17 DH and I decide to tell her that she was adopted. I don't think an 8 year old is mentally mature enough to understand or make a decision to that level. I think 16 or 17 she will actually be able to make that decision.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:51 AM on May. 13, 2013

  • mrsmom110- I agree with you. When DD was younger we always tried to send her pics of DD she never responded or answered. We plan on telling DD when she is 16 or 17 and then if she wants to meet bio mom we will respect that. I think the fact that she is 8 years old is a little too young to make a decision like that. A 8 year old doesn't know what is going on and also bouncing in and out of a child's life like that can really hurt the child.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:53 AM on May. 13, 2013

  • If your DD has no memory of her, then I would definitely hold off for at least a few years, and even then I would only consider it if she can prove that she is clean.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 11:02 AM on May. 13, 2013

  • Having lived with a similar situation, I don't think there's any harm in her seeing her daughter. My stepbrothers (my stepdad legally adopted me, my mom legally adopted my brothers) went to see their mom for 3-4 days at Christmas break and for 4-5 days in the summer. They talked to her on the phone on their birthday and another holiday or two throughout the year. They were 2 and 4 when she left, so too young to really remember - and our parents married when they were 4 and 6.
    Their mother passed away suddenly when we were teens. I think the boys would really resent my parents if they hadn't gotten a chance to know their mom before she died.
    I would rethink waiting until she's a teen to tell her about the adoption. Anyone I've ever known who has been told that late in life has had some serious anger issues. Those told grow up knowing seem to deal with it much better. Just my opinion.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 11:03 AM on May. 13, 2013

  • Stick to your guns! Tell her she MAY be able to see her as soon as she cleans up.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 11:13 AM on May. 13, 2013

  • Don't wait until she is 16 or 17 to tell her she's adopted. Everyone in the family KNOWS she's adopted by you. All it takes is for one cousin to get mad and spill the beans to her and it's not pretty. My ex's nephew was adopted by a family member when he was 2. A step cousin found out when they were 13 and told him on Christmas Eve during a family gathering. It was NOT a pretty time. Until then he had no idea and it tore him up. An adopted child should always know they were adopted.

    What are you planning on doing if bmom would run into you at the store and raises a stink this weekend? Are you going to just tell her that the lady is just some nut or are you going to tell her the truth? What about if you would get into a disagreement with one of his relatives and they spot off that you're not the child's REAL mom and she hears? It does and will happen. Sometimes the child is ok with it and sometimes not. Don't chance it.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 11:18 AM on May. 13, 2013

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