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What is the big deal for my kids to text me to let me know something?

This morning for the first time I let my dd9 go to school 30 mins. earlier than usual to have breakfast with her friends. I usually take her to school but her friends walk to school and she wanted to walk with them. I told that girl to text me as soon as she gets to school and even though I feel ok with it I need her to communicate to confirm my feelings.
All I know is when her friends text or call her she is on the phone....ugh!!!

What would you do?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 8:32 AM on May. 16, 2013 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (11)
  • If she doesn't do as she's told, why do you let her keep her phone?

    Answer by NotPanicking at 8:36 AM on May. 16, 2013

  • Take her phone & no more going with friends in the a.m.

    Answer by funlovinlady at 8:42 AM on May. 16, 2013

  • She didn't do as you asked, and you had no way of knowing for sure she was safe, as a result. Since she didn't follow directions some punishment is needed- I'd take the phone for a week maybe.

    Answer by Bmat at 8:46 AM on May. 16, 2013

  • she didn't text when she got there?

    she won't be going early again for the year (since it is almost over)

    Have a talk with her about how important it is that she check in with you when you ask her to, so you don't worry about her, and she can do more of what SHE wants.

    We are pretty much a - you can do what you want for the most part (within reason) *as long as you keep in touch, and let us know what you are doing/ who you are with/ what the plan is kinda thing. My kids know that if they violate that, they don't get as much freedom and it really has almost never been an issue with either one.

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 10:10 AM on May. 16, 2013

  • Agree.... no phone, & no more walking to school w/ friends until she can prove she's willing to do what she's told. I'd also have a talk w/ her about why you wanted her to text you. My dd is nearly 15 & a freshmen, she walks to school every morning & she knows that if she doesn't text me to let me know she got there safe, that she'll be in trouble.

    Answer by HappyEndings at 10:14 AM on May. 16, 2013

  • No more going to school early. I have had problems reaching DD on her phone in the past and I let her know two things,

    1. That if she doesn't answer while on a sleepover, there won't be sleepovers in the future
    2. The phone can be set up to make and receive calls from only her dad and me. No pals,no internet, no text, nothing else.

    That straightened the problem right out. :)

    Answer by tessiedawg at 10:55 AM on May. 16, 2013

  • She wouldn't be going early again until she was responsible enough to do as she is told. I would take the phone away as well. I don't know why a 9 yo needs a phone anyway.

    Answer by kmath at 11:06 AM on May. 16, 2013

  • I wasn't completely sure what you were asking, but it seems like "What is the big deal?" refers to Why couldn't my daughter remember/bother to text me as agreed? Your observation is that when her friends call or text her, she is on the phone (available, responding) so why not you?

    re: "What would you do," I would give her feedback. I'd communicate about what happened, why it was a problem for me, what I wanted to go differently & why. I wouldn't focus on imposing consequences but on communication & clarity: letting her know that this wasn't how I wanted it to go, I wanted her to text me & that I want her to prioritize my concerns/conditions!

    These are learning opportunities. I don't see it as starting & stopping with the first mistake, but rather being a process of negotiating (which is what you did this morning) & giving feedback (either appreciation, or pointing out what was unsatisfactory), and going forward from there.

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:09 PM on May. 16, 2013

  • Honestly, I just let my 9 year old know my honest feedback: what I want or expect, and what wasn't okay with me about the way things went this time. I also hear from her.

    As a result we understand each other better (in terms of the specific situation), and she has that feedback from me going forward. She also has room to reflect on things & freedom to choose differently next time.

    She's responsive because she cares about me, feels respected, and is motivated to be considerate & cooperative. I think you support this (kids adapting their own behavior because of the DESIRE to be considerate & respectful) by handling conflict in ways that don't undermine the relationship, and you can avoid undermining the relationship if you proceed respectfully & considerately when you're communicating your displeasure, rather than resorting to punitive measures. Those are about force, leverage & control, which are undermining to relationships.

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:28 PM on May. 16, 2013

  • If this is the first time, I would tell her after school how worried you were about her and stress the importance of her checking in. If it happens a second time, I would say no more walking since she didn't respond. She probably just was excited/talking/having fun with her friends and forgot. Do they have to shut off phones at school? It was probably an honest mistake...I would give her some slack the fist time but not the next!

    Answer by khedy at 1:03 PM on May. 16, 2013

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