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2 Bumps

How do I NOT over react?

I just found out that my 14 year son has tried marijuana for the first while with some friends. I'm so upset and dissapointed that I don't know how to handle this without over reacting. Any advice but no bashing please :(

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 11:19 PM on May. 16, 2013 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (16)
  • It happens. Good luck!

    Answer by staciandababy at 11:25 PM on May. 16, 2013

  • It seems to me you have done the first thing and that is to step back and cool down a bit.
    I would first open a conversation about drug use and then ask him if he was smoking pot.

    I would tell him what you heard and that it disappointed you that he would do something illegal and dangerous.

    Answer by Dardenella at 11:25 PM on May. 16, 2013

  • Time to take your son to lunch or dinner for a heart to heart talk. I found if I took my boys out to eat, they were less likely to run to their rooms, argue etc.
    Tell him what you know, explain your concerns and emphasize to him how this will affect his future, ie. Jobs, military, if he chooses etc.
    Hear him out and allow him to talk to you w/o holding judgement. Confirm your love and concerns!
    I found if you're calmly open with your children, you'll get further with them and you'll each have mutual trust.

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 11:27 PM on May. 16, 2013

  • How does a 14-year old boy have opportunity to smoke pot with his friends? When our children were 14, they were either in school or with us. They would not have been unsupervised long enough to have gotten into this kind of mischief.

    Answer by NannyB. at 11:38 PM on May. 16, 2013

  • NannyB you may think your children never got upto any mischief, but I would be very suprised if they didnt! Parents dont always know everything teenagers get into, if a teen wants to get into mischief they will find time for it whether they are supervised or not, and its often the children with extrememely strict parents that are more inclined to sneak off at school in school hours and do things they arent meant to be doing.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:58 PM on May. 16, 2013

  • Thank you all for the great advice. And I'm sorry if this sounds harsh or rude, but as far as him getting into mischief when he was with his friends, I don't think it's fair to imply that just because teenagers are not supervised every minute of every day, that's when and why things happen. We happen to have a pretty good and open line of communication with all of our kids and are chalking this up to a bad choice and not necessarily anything thay my husband and I have or have not done. Nor does it mean that my son is a bad person.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:23 AM on May. 17, 2013

  • You are right; it doesn't mean that your son is a bad person.
    Did you find out this information from him? (I was assuming that you had, although it sounds like most others assumed you heard it elsewhere & will be "confronting" him.)
    The way you are taking a step back & reflecting on the situation is helpful as far as the goal of responding versus overreacting. It helps you see the situation for what it is.
    Feeling your feelings, and being able to talk about them freely (AWAY from your child, and preferably BEFORE you take any action with him) to someone who can listen primarily (rather than giving advice, or critiquing you for your reactions) also is helpful. That is not the time to think, feel or say the "right" thing--it is the time to GET IT OUT so that you have sorted through some of the emotions & the fear that can interfere with a constructive response. Anxiety drives a lot of rigid, counterproductive, fear-based stuff!

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:40 AM on May. 17, 2013

  • You're handling things right. I would ignore any nay sayers. Talk with him about the dangers of drugs, and ground him for 3 weeks. He has to learn this is serious stuff that he's messing with.

    Answer by Ginger0104 at 2:03 AM on May. 17, 2013

  • Yes, he actually came forward on his own. And DH and I discussed it and decided on him being grounded for two weeks and had a long talk about the dangers of drugs. I didn't want to go overboard with punishment because he did confess on his own and I want to keep our communication lines open and honest and I was afraid that if I did go overboard then he would be afraid to tell us anything else even if it's not him that has done anything. I want him to feel comfortable coming to us with anything.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:22 AM on May. 17, 2013

  • We also want him to know that by him coming clean on his own says a lot more than he may realize because DH wasn't home when DS first told me. When DH came home, I encouraged DS to talk to his dad as a responsible young man and the fact that DS was more worried about disappointing DH tells me that he knows we are hurt and that he is responsible for that hurt. I think it's so important for kids to own up to their mistakes. We've always told all three of our kids that bad choices don't make you a bad child or person, they're simply bad choices and as long as you learn from them and don't make them again, that's what matters.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:31 AM on May. 17, 2013

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