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How to cope?

My husband works for a company and at the spur of the moment he gets told that he has to go to another state to work for 3 weeks. I am one of the moms that can't take being alone. I don't sleep while hes not here. I am scared to death to actually be alone. My daughter helps a little bit but I just walk around like a zombie. I love my Husband and would never think about leaving him or replacing him, he has my heart for the rest of my life. But how can I cope with this better. I know that I need to be supportive for him and I try to be, but it kills me that he has to leave me. What do I do?

Answer Question

Asked by jjsangel012812 at 5:27 PM on May. 17, 2013 in Relationships

Level 2 (6 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • I'm sure there are various ways to cope with the distress or distract yourself from your feelings, but I am strongly partial to addressing issues & working toward resolution, so I would view this anxiety as something to get help for and I'd look for a good therapist (get recommendations, ask around, see if your primary care physician can recommend anyone.) I believe things like your incapacitating anxiety/shut down happen for a reason & aren't "random." They signal underlying issues that are waiting for healing & resolution. Our neurology gets "wired" in response to our early environments, and one of the most hopeful & encouraging findings of modern neuroscience is that neuroplasticity continues throughout the entire human lifetime: if you create the conditions for healing, your brain can CHANGE!
    So I'd view it as an opportunity to do some healing. My goal would be to find a therapist who frames things that way & get to work.

    Answer by girlwithC at 5:50 PM on May. 17, 2013

  • Get busy. Find something fun to do with your kid/s. Go away yourself if you can. For me, when I first took the kids on a 3 week road trip, the scariest part wasn't being alone. It was the idea that I could succeed and do it without him. I had been so wrapped up in my life as a mom and wife that I forgot that I was once an independent woman who had the better paying job and bought a house on my own.

    Answer by balagan_imma at 5:51 PM on May. 17, 2013

  • you hit it right on the nail i have problems with anxiety and depression I have all of my life thanks to some things happening to me a few times when I have been left alone! (you can get the point) I was on three different medicine but nothing helped. Since I have been in this relationship with will be a year and a half I haven't felt like I have needed anything he has always just made everything better when he is a round. I'm just scared.

    I have been that independent woman all of my life. My daughters father (which we aren't together anymore) has seziures I have taken care of him for the last 5 years and finally I'm taken care of. I can't go anywhere because I have a 40 hour a week job that takes more that that most of the time. I don't know how to explain it.

    I have figured out that two of the weeks I will be able to go there and spend 3 days so maybe that will help!

    Comment by jjsangel012812 (original poster) at 5:58 PM on May. 17, 2013

  • You also could focus on coping in the moment (a good therapist would be solution-focused that way, as well.) I'd look for the healthiest options...not just any distraction or "escape," but cultivating a different (healthier) way of being with the feelings, so they are not driving dissociative behaviors & all kinds of habits/compulsions that DO offer self-soothing but at some expense (to your health, to your weight, to your ability to be present with & attuned to your child rather than preoccupied or "gone"...sucked into screens or shopping, etc.)
    Look into mindfulness or find someone. Many therapists utilize mindfulness in their work with clients, developing grounding techniques & different ways to respond in the moment to the feelings that presently trigger aversion & avoidance in you, increasing your "presence" & actual availability. Just having a better life in general, by cultivating a different way of being with anxiety.

    Answer by girlwithC at 6:02 PM on May. 17, 2013

  • Really I can not help you. I am the total oposit of you. It does not bother me one bit for him to be away. I miss him. It just doesn't bother me.
    He was in the Army for 20 years and gone a lot. it was when he got out and got and normal job that he didn't go anywhere but work and home that drove me crazy. After 6 or 7 years I have gotten use to him being underfoot.

    Answer by louise2 at 6:10 PM on May. 17, 2013

  • Seriously what would you do if he died? You've got to think about stuff like that. That's what the women fought for in the 60's and 70's.... FREEDOM, INDEPENDENCE. Get a job, get an education. NEVER rely on anyone but yourself.

    Answer by m-avi at 6:12 PM on May. 17, 2013

  • I have problems falling asleep when DH is out of town (that's pretty often), but once I get to sleep I am usually a pretty sound sleeper. With the kids, I usually have plenty to keep me busy though. We skype when he is out of town so we don't feel so disconnected, especially with the kids. If I need to fill my time I usually try to take up a project while he is away. Painting or sewing. It all depends on what needs to get done around the house. Of course, the first few years of our relationship were spent long distance, so I suppose I would naturally not be as anxious about being apart. 3 weeks feels like a long time, but it goes very fast.


    Answer by QuinnMae at 6:28 PM on May. 17, 2013

  • You cope as you do all your life: one day at a time. That said, it's never a good thing to be so dependent that you cannot function properly. You say you've been on meds before; might be time to talk to your doc again or a new therapist.

    It's OK to not like being separated. But not being able to function is a very serious problem.

    Answer by gdiamante at 6:33 PM on May. 17, 2013

  • I see where you all are coming from and as it seems I did come off as a little that I completely rely on him but I have made it on my own it just throws a wrench in my plans. I'm a type of girl that I have had our anniversary planned for a month. I like to plan and when things change it throws me for a loop. There's no choice but to make it. I love him alot and I know we can make it. But i'm not one to like things that change in the spur of the moment. Maybe it's just me!

    Comment by jjsangel012812 (original poster) at 7:26 PM on May. 17, 2013

  • Will he have access to a computer. You obviously do. Can you possibly do something like Skype? You can actually see and talk to him. Not quite the same as touching but it can help.

    Answer by Dardenella at 1:04 AM on May. 18, 2013

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