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What do I do??

First off today is my first day on CafeMoms..  Im here Im very desperate for some help with my 8 year old son.  I am a single mother of 2 children (whos father has little or nothing to really do with them) I live with my family so i can stay home with my children.  My son rules our life, he has some behavior problems (no blame but has alot of traits of his father) he is very verbally abusive, physically abusive to myself and his sister.  Ive done almost everything that I know to do.  (Dr's counseling, therapy, individual one on one time)  I love him more than life itself but I cannot allow my daughter to grow up in this violent atmosphere.  Im at a loss of where to go what to do who to even turn to.  If anyone has any advice on what to do please help.

Answer Question
 
jennybug2003

Asked by jennybug2003 at 10:20 AM on May. 21, 2013 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Level 2 (8 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • Why was counseling and therapy stopped?
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 10:25 AM on May. 21, 2013

  • If therapy hasn't worked maybe a little lime in juvi or visit from the police will scare the hell out of him! Next time he physically harms either you or your daughter. You need to call the police. Yes it's mean but he needs some kind of wake up call. If it happens again and he physically hits, call the police again and ask them to take him to juvi for a night.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 10:27 AM on May. 21, 2013

  • What is his diagnosis?
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 11:03 AM on May. 21, 2013

  • He is only 8 years old! Like the other ladies here asked, why did therapy stop? What was he diagnosed with? What does the School Psychologist say or recommend? Is he enrolled in extracurricular activities to occupy his mind & time? Is there unrest at home. Does he say why he is upset? Since I don't know the details all I can recommend besides what was mentioned is finding a male role model like Big Brothers maybe. He is Seeking attention out of frustration. You need to talk to him & calm his upset in some way.
    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 11:31 AM on May. 21, 2013

  • Who was in counseling? Have you gotten some support for your parenting? How did you determine that therapy "didn't work" and did you seek practical support/information for how to respond in the situations that are overwhelming you?
    First off, would be getting some strategies for intervening effectively when he is physically aggressive with anyone. You need to be able to restrain him so that he is protected from hurting someone, and make it about providing & ensuring safety for everyone in the family. (It's your responsibility to protect him from experiencing himself as "bad" and as someone who hurts others, because this literally hurts his sense of self. He is already highly defended, so you may not see his vulnerability as readily as you'll see his anger, and these experiences add to his defense. This is important to prevent.)
    Secondly, seek some support for how to shift your routine responses to things (small things) so that
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:02 PM on May. 21, 2013

  • (cont.)
    situations are less likely to escalate.
    One blogging mother "famously" posted her story about her son (older than yours) last December and described how out of control & frightening he could be, as well as winsome & engaging. The thing is, her account included a basic blow-by-blow description of their interactions (leading up to her driving him to the hospital & wrangling him out of the car instead of taking him to school), and there were MANY instances in which her automatic & well-intended responses escalated the situation unnecessarily. She routinely responded to him in ways that negated his feelings & ramped-up his frustration. She was trying to be thoughtful & reasonable. But she made big mistakes that made the whole thing EXTREMELY predictable, particularly given their history.
    Learning how to respond in a therapeutic & constructive way to conflict is the key in changing your dynamic at home. And it can be done!
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:08 PM on May. 21, 2013

  • I recommend you engage the assistance & support of a professional who can join with you (either someone you're working with now who knows the situation, or get a referral from a primary care physician--even just for yourself) but there also are books that can help the process.
    How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (Faber & Mazlish) does a good job of outlining common pitfalls in communication. Addressing these can make BIG differences.
    Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) by Thomas Gordon - an even more comprehensive book covering the same issues plus more
    Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates & What You Can Do About It (by Canadian physician Gabor Mate) includes a couple of chapters on parenting outlining practical & effective strategies for responding to oppositional & defiant behaviors
    Hold On To Your Kids (Gordon Neufeld) - a developmental psychologist describes how to heal disconnect
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:17 PM on May. 21, 2013

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