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6 Bumps

An affair is how wrong?

I wanted to put this anonymously, and didn't know where else I could ask it. I don't think 5000 characters is going to explain it very well neither. Here goes though: My hubby of 3 years has been in this weird phase lately, I thought but now the more I think of it maybe its me. I got my first day to myself in 4 years yesterday. I went to the city 2 hrs away and went shopping, I had a blast. Theres no other way to say it! He has his guys nights, or gets to go to the bar with co-workers (I'm never invited to these), goes fishing almost every single weekend no kidding. He hasn't helped me clean the house lately at all. I'm a senior in college, with a full time job, and we also have a 3 year old daughter. He has been really strict with her lately, which I know sometimes she needs, he's not abusive at all before anyone takes it there. She loves him, and I love him too, but somethings gotta give you know. He is actually out sleeping on the couch this very minute, he fell asleep at the TV again. All he wants to do with me is sex or watch a movie. I figured I'd surprise him today (my day off 2 of 2 from work), and mowed the lawn. He came home, the first thing he said was you missed a spot over there. I dunno about anyone else, but that was a little harsh I thought. He says he loves me, and I'm sure I'm overreacting, but I need an opinion. The title of this, long story short isn't about him, its me. I'm not getting any attention, I don't remember the last time I got a back or shoulder massage, I don't even remember my last compliment from him, I cannot even get him to shave unless I practically beg him. He's gotten into games on his phone, or on the Wii, I shouldn't have to take them away should I? Anyway, an old friend facebooked me, he was an old boyfriend of only 2 weeks discovered we probably would have made better siblings than partners lol, so we stayed friends. Lost contact, then recently started talking again. He found out I was in the city yesterday, and we met up for like 20 min just to give a quick hug, have a soda then leave. Thats it. Anyway, we've been texting last few days ok more like a week, and we've both discovered that maybe it would have worked. I don't know what to do!!!! He's given me all the attention I've craved for so long from my husband who won't give it to me, even when talked to, asked, or anything. We'll call my friend "A". He is single, how and why I do not know, he's plenty good looking, down to earth etc...He texted me lastnight, knowing I'm afraid of storms because of a past experience, and had to drive home in a nasty one, asked if I made it ok. I had to drive to the city at 4am last week my husband never bothered to check on me. How far can a person go before its considered cheating? Deep down I know its all wrong, but part of me wants to go with "A" and hang out, he knows I'm marriend, and all. I don't want my daughter to lose her daddy, I would feel terrible if he couldn't see her, nor I. I'm just burned out and at my wits end. I'm even considering quitting school with 1 quarter and a clinical left before graduation, just so that I can spend more time around him, and analyze what the issue is. I'm home every night to make supper, and clean up. Sitting in front of the TV sleeping is not my idea of a true love life. He is just like his dad, except 30 years younger. That came from his mom. I don't even know if I could brace the idea to my or his family about a seperation if it ever came to that, we're all supposedly very religious, and then I pull a stunt like this with my friend. He wanted to know if I'd come hang out, that I could bring our daughter along if I'd like. Please help CafeMoms! PS, my hubby knows I talk to "A", he just doesn't know that I've developed a little "crush" on him, and that we flirt quite a bit via facebook/texting.


Asked by Anonymous at 1:47 AM on May. 29, 2013 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (21)
  • It honestly just sounds like you need to put the spark back into your marriage, which is COMPLETELY normal. This "A" is only a distraction and isn't necessarily a better route, it's just something new and exciting in the stale place in life you, like oh so many others, have found yourself in. Like my favorite quote says "The grass is only greener on the other side because it's fertilized with bullshit". I think that works well here. First off, I find it a little concerning that "A" knows you're married and have a child yet is ok with this "affair". My advice is to put him completely on hold while you figure if you want to work on your marriage or not. If he's worth ANY chance of possible future he will respect that. If you decide you want to work on your marriage, and your husband agrees, seek counseling and delete "A" from your life in EVERY way. Good luck on whatever you decide, just be smart. Whatever happens you need to..

    Answer by maecntpntz219 at 2:31 AM on May. 29, 2013

  • Show the man you loved enough to marry respect enough to leave him before you have an affair.
    Remember, your actions affect many, many people! How you choose to act upon them reflects the kind of person you are.

    Answer by PMSMom10 at 2:00 AM on May. 29, 2013

  • It's no secret around here that I got involved with a married man and ended up with him and a baby, so I'll just say it straight out, an affair isn't the way to go. Don't learn the hard way. It hurts a lot of people, and leaves a big mess that takes a long time to clean up, even under the best of circumstances. Figure out what you want to do about your husband. Don't stay and sacrifice your happiness for the sake of your child--two happy parents in different houses will be better than a miserable family under one roof. If you decide to stay and work it out, don't doom your efforts by keeping up the chats with the ex. If you decide to leave, make a clean break for the sake of your child and your family, then see where things go with the new guy. But take him out of the decision about what to do with your marriage because there's no guarantee he's going to be Prince Charming, either. Think this through carefully.

    Answer by Ballad at 2:22 AM on May. 29, 2013

  • If you don't like your husband, leave him. You only have one shot at happiness in this life. Why waste your time and his?

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:51 AM on May. 29, 2013

  • paragraphs are your friend

    Answer by NotPanicking at 1:51 AM on May. 29, 2013

  • What does your husband say when you talk to him about how you have been feeling? There seems to be a lot of resentment on your part, but you aren't coming across that you are talking to him about it at all. Men are not mind readers. If you feel a certain way about something, often times you need to spell it out for them. Want a massage, tell him that you miss his massages and would love it if he would start doing them again.

    You are already having an emotional affair. End it now. You are not being fair to yourself, your ex, your child, and most of all your husband. If you decide to end things with your husband, then you can start things back up with the ex, but never start something new until you have ended the old.

    Coming from someone who has been married a heck of a lot longer than 3 years, your lack of communication is dooming your marriage.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:05 AM on May. 29, 2013

  • Don't jump into an affair. It will complicate everything! Get into counseling and really talk w your husband. Maybe you can work it out. IF not, get a divorce,before you get involved with a new guy. Remember nobody's perfect and you could be complaining about the new guy next.

    Answer by ForestFairy09 at 2:21 AM on May. 29, 2013

  • ...set a good example for your daughter. SHE is the most important factor in any decision you make.

    Answer by maecntpntz219 at 2:32 AM on May. 29, 2013

  • You need to problem-solve this in stages. Stage 1 is figuring out where you and your marriage stand. You felt this way regardless of this other guy reappearing in your life. It doesn't involve him much at this point, except for you to remember your boundaries as a married woman. Don't do anything you would regret if the marriage ends up working out. If you sort this out properly, you can then be guilt-free if you've tried your best to work out the marriage. Stage 2 then involves the other guy. Good luck and tone down on the communications with the other guy until you sort out your marriage!

    Answer by hellokittykat at 2:07 AM on May. 29, 2013

  • For once, I actually agree with a anon! You only been together "married" for 3 yrs? You are in trouble. I have been with my dh for 13 yrs now, and things have gotten stale at times. But we talk, and if need to be we g out and just have "us" time without our 4 yr old dd. But yo say this is the first time you have been off in 4 yrs, but instead of inviting him to go with you, you left. Or even the 2nd day. I understand about the 'me' time, but when your marriage is on trouble, I would take little bit I could to reconnect.

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 2:12 AM on May. 29, 2013