Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 Bumps

How do I handle spoiled step children and maintain my marriage?

I don't have my own children. I am almost 50. My husband had 5 kids, 3 daughters nearby and 2 of those live with us. They are teenagers, which is difficult, but they are spoiled rotten--and I do mean rotten. They are rude, disrespectful, defiant, say 'no' without consequence, don't do anything around the house -- even after fights. My husband has given them cell phones, cars, money at almost every turn, just about everything they ask for they get -- regardless if they just grossly mistreated us.

I love my husband. I have tried to be a positive parental figure. I have lost my grip. I have turned into a royal bitch and I don't care anymore. I don't know how to parent children without consequences, they actually laugh at him if he threatens to take away their car or restrict them. I'm supposed to be part of the family but I get told not to interfere and let him handle it. He's not handling it.

The man I loved isn't the strong person I respected. He's not the father I thought he was. His children are downright horrible. I already know my answer. I just hope someone can say something to make me believe it's OK to stay.

- Delilah826

Answer Question
 
Delilah826

Asked by Delilah826 at 3:29 PM on May. 29, 2013 in Relationships

Level 3 (16 Credits)
Answers (16)
  • If he isn't going to do anything, then nothing will change. You have to decide whether being with him is worth putting up with the kids or not
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 3:35 PM on May. 29, 2013

  • It doesn't sound very okay to me. Your feelings about how your husband is parenting, or rather not parenting, his children are undermining your love for him. Does he know this?
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 3:36 PM on May. 29, 2013

  • I would approach him with this as a serious situation regarding your decision to stay in this marriage and possibly suggest marriage counselling. Good luck.
    Kword

    Answer by Kword at 3:45 PM on May. 29, 2013

  • I would suggest you take a break. Sit down and calmly and rationally explain you need time to think things through. By stepping away, you will allow yourself the time to get the clarity you need to make the decision I think you know is coming. When you do this, do it without ultimatums or threats or anything negative. You do it for you and you alone without setting up hoops for others to jump through,

    Good luck! I think you know in your heart what is right for you.
    daylily888

    Answer by daylily888 at 3:50 PM on May. 29, 2013

  • Marriage counseling would probably be the best thing for the two of you. Talking it through in front of a neutral third party will increase the likelihood that things won't get ugly and hopefully the therapist could help keep the discussion on track.

    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 4:27 PM on May. 29, 2013

  • This is the reason when I was looking for a man, 24 years ago. I wanted a man with out kids or grown kids. So you didn't know this about him and his kids before you married him? Make your mind up? Stay and deal with the teens tell they move out or leave and get your sanity back

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 4:27 PM on May. 29, 2013

  • Of course it's ok to stay. Teen years are hard on parents even when they are not spoiled rotten. Keep in mind that he's created these monsters and it would be hard to reverse what he's done without professional help so pick your battles. Draw your battle lines and just fight for what is important. However, I would find a way to gently remind him (gently as men tune us out when we "nag") that he's not doing these kids any favors for when they turn adults. He's not helping them grow into independent people. Try using the "enabling" word. Many men love people to need them and they do this crap but it's not molding kids into responsible young adults. He needs to think of them and their future especially when he's no longer around to help them figure life out. He is cheating them out of learning coping skills.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 6:17 PM on May. 29, 2013

  • Get some family counseling if he will consider it or some counseling for your sanity. I agree totally with admckenzie. hug
    silverthreads

    Answer by silverthreads at 7:40 PM on May. 29, 2013

  • It is doubtful he is going to change anytime soon. Unless you were only with him a very short time you probably knew how he was with his kids when you married him and it is only now bothering you because they are teens and finally acting out. You have to learn to accept your life or move on. I personally would move on but I then again I probably wouldn't have married a man who can't even keep or earn the respect of his children.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:25 AM on May. 30, 2013

  • If you're not happy with the situation and it's not going to change, I wouldn't stay.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:39 AM on May. 30, 2013

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN