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4 Bumps

Should I marry my fiance even though my son doesn't like him?

My son is turning 18 in six months and I have been with my fiance for 16 months. He doesn't abuse me in any kind of way, he loves me unconditionally. No he's not perfect but then who is? He doesn't have a stable job right now, however he does do the temp jobs and other legit things to bring money in. He's working on getting his GED so that he can get a stable job for our future. I haven't been with his dad in 13 years, so I really don't think it has anything with him wanting us to be together and he doesn't even like him all like that. I'm just real tired of him treating my fiance and me like dirt and he says he's going to disown me if I marry him. We're looking for a new apartment for next year when we get married and we don't want him to come. I know he's my son and I love him to death, but gee isn't it time for me to be happy??

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sdcg76

Asked by sdcg76 at 4:01 PM on May. 30, 2013 in Teens (13-17)

Level 2 (6 Credits)
Answers (21)
  • " We're looking for a new apartment for next year when we get married and we don't want him to come. I know he's my son and I love him to death, but gee isn't it time for me to be happy??"

    I was with you until I read that statement.

    I suspect your son is quite aware that you've effectively chosen your boyfriend over him. No wonder he has an attitude. Do you think that once you move and leave your son behind he's just going to sort of disappear? Is marrying your fiance worth losing your child? Wouldn't it make more sense to work as a family unit to make things more happy and stable?
    Mrs_Prissy

    Answer by Mrs_Prissy at 4:06 PM on May. 30, 2013

  • What concerns me is one of the first things you say is that he doesn't abuse you in any way. I think that I would try to step back and take a little while longer to look at the whole situation and see why you might even bring that up.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 4:07 PM on May. 30, 2013

  • That's a tough one. Your son will be starting his own life in a few years & be out on his own. (That's how is supposed to be anyways) And your husb. is your husb. for life. (Again, that's how it's supposed to be :p) Have you asked your son why he doesn't like him? And have you told him why you love your fiance'? Maybe since he's been like the man of the house from the age of 4 or 5 up until 1 1/2 years ago, he feels like his territory is being invaded. I think a long frank discussion is in order here. Maybe even some family counseling. GL

    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 4:08 PM on May. 30, 2013

  • I know he's not going to sort of disappear and I'm not leaving him behind as he's told me more than on MANY occasions he doesn't need me and can take care of himself. When I was hospitalized for depression he was supposed to stay with my sister but decided to just stay at home on his own, because he needs no one as he says.So I haven't chosen anyone over anyone else. As for trying to make it work we have been trying since we announced the engagement, but things aren't changing and I feel that aren't going to even in the near future.
    sdcg76

    Comment by sdcg76 (original poster) at 4:14 PM on May. 30, 2013

  • @ Dardenella I said the part about abusing me in anyway because he treats me very well and unlike my son's dad did me I just can't see why my son hates my fiance so much.
    sdcg76

    Comment by sdcg76 (original poster) at 4:19 PM on May. 30, 2013

  • I say your son is more important at this time then your Fiance because he is only 18 and will still need giudance from you in the future. There is no hurry to get married is there? your guy sounds like he is not working a stable job being a temp etc.? your son probably is jealous & wants his Mom. How will you sleep at night once it is just you & your Fiance living together and sending your young son out?? and to where?? he isn't ready? I'd be pissed at you if you were my Mom & hurt, just saying, take care of your son first and your Fiance should be supporting this. This guy can come & go - your son is still very young unless he has some serious plans & can truly take care of himself??
    sarasmommy777

    Answer by sarasmommy777 at 4:21 PM on May. 30, 2013

  • I would not sacrifice the relationship with any one of my children for any man, except their dad, should it ever come to that kind of a choice. I don't expect that to ever happen since they love and adore him as much as I do. I would be very interested to know why your son objects so much to your intended, but I would bet you the family farm that he has a pretty good if not excellent reason. Guys are usually very good at recognizing undesirable traits in other guys, and women are usually good at seeing deception in other women. Since your child is a male and expressing this kind of concern, I'm thinking he's seeing some stuff that he knows are not good traits. I would rather trust the instincts of my boys rather than go with my own love-blinded opinions of this dude who doesn't hold a job and doesn't even have a high school diploma. If your son's about to turn 18, and this dude is anywhere near your age, that's a problem
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 4:22 PM on May. 30, 2013

  • I suggest family counselling. Your son is old enough to live on his own, but this anger he holds for your df needs to be examined. Is it justified, or is the anger coming from your son alone?
    anng.atlanta

    Answer by anng.atlanta at 4:25 PM on May. 30, 2013

  • @ mrsmom I have suggested counseling numerous times, but he's not going to budge and you know since he's almost grown it's not like he's little so I could just drag him there. He says he doesn't like him because he feels he's not the "right" one because he doesn't have his GED and a super job with lots of money, and yes that's how he said it. Truthfully he wants me to marry a friend of mine who has all the money, but that's not happening and why should I have to just because he wants me to? Thanks for your reply :)
    sdcg76

    Comment by sdcg76 (original poster) at 4:26 PM on May. 30, 2013

  • Ah well, My take is that you are making it clear to him that the boyfriend is more important to you than he is. It would be best to work through these issues before tackling a marriage, but that is just my thought.
    He was 6ish when you were going through all of this. Did you get counseling? Did he?
    Have you thought that he might be worried about you because marriage + abuse in his mind. (If neither of you have worked to resolve these things)?
    Have you talked to him about why he does not like this man. Seriously with an open mind to listening to what he has to say?
    You can not take it on face value when he says to leave him out. More than likely he knows (or feels) you do not want him there.
    Wait until the boyfriend has a steady job. If this is your son's main concern, he has a valid one.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 4:28 PM on May. 30, 2013

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