Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

5 Bumps

Abusive and disrespectful Adult Step daughter

My stepdaughter her husband and two kids moved in 5 years ago, she is rude, disrepctful and treats me like a prisoner on our property. They refuse to pay rent and my husband is a pensioner with a small pension i must go out to work, my husband is aware of the abusive way they treat me and says i must just ignore it. It does not work that way because we built the flat for when he went on pesion now i have to try and earn. if i talk about it, i am told i must be gratefull i have a roof over my head, yet they earn triple what we have together. how should i handle this situation.

Answer Question

Asked by JEANNETTE1955 at 4:57 AM on Jun. 3, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (7 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • You give them a month's written notice (see a lawyer to be sure that there are no loopholes) and if they aren't out by then you have them evicted.

    They are leeching off of you, they can afford their own place but prefer to sponge off of their father and you. Do not stand for any more abuse. You do NOT ignore abuse under any circumstances. Why should your self-esteem suffer just because your husband has no spine?

    Answer by winterglow at 5:33 AM on Jun. 3, 2013

  • WTF? So your husband expects you to just take abuse and try to 'ignore it'? You must be very passive to just allow this to happen to you in your own home. I would respond in kind and let them know they are not welcome.

    Answer by QuinnMae at 9:03 AM on Jun. 3, 2013

  • How long have you been married? I think I'd tell him "I'm leaving, I'll wait 6 months to file for a divorce. If you haven't made them move out by then, I'll file for divorce."

    Two years is way too long to have adult children and grandchildren living with you, and to do it and be disrespected? You don't have to deal with that.

    I'd take your paycheck and leave.

    Answer by ohwrite at 9:12 AM on Jun. 3, 2013

  • If they make so much more money why have they been there for 5 years?
    Did you mean you and your husband moved into their flat?

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 9:48 AM on Jun. 3, 2013

  • I think this may be something you all can resolve but from the sound of it, doing so would require some support & facilitating. The conflict is a sticky one because there is a lot of emotional enmeshment & enabling going on. Rather than writing it off as hopeless OR continuing to tolerate it with growing resentment, would you be willing to seek support through family counseling? (It doesn't have to involve the whole family, but you'd be working with someone who understands family systems & how to avoid/address common communication problems.)
    When you present the issue as a problem, it likely triggers feelings of helplessness & hopelessness in your husband, which makes him want to make it "go away." He meets you with annoyance. Defensiveness is a common response when conflicts are broached with blame/criticism, and people tend to minimize or deny when they don't see HOW things could change (feel helpless.) All this is going on!

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:46 AM on Jun. 3, 2013

  • Hit the road, Jack! And don't you come back no more, no more, no more ...

    Answer by Ballad at 1:35 PM on Jun. 3, 2013

  • I would get online and look at some cheap apartments, sit them down and let them know they have 1-2 months to figure out where to go because you cannot support them anymore. 5 years is too long, 1 year is acceptable, 2 is reasonable, 3 is very generous, 4 is pushing it, 5 is get out = plenty of chances.

    Answer by leksismommy at 2:26 PM on Jun. 3, 2013

  • Yeah hubby shouldn't put you in that situation. The BOTH of you should make it clear the free ride has ended.

    Answer by tasches at 7:46 PM on Jun. 4, 2013

  • I would give them a time to be out.

    Answer by morebee7 at 4:18 AM on Jun. 24, 2013

  • I would talk to your husband about counseling for the two of you. If he refuses to go, or makes no effort to change after going, I would seriously consider the possibility of leaving him. He is allowing the abuse to go on, probably in some kind of fear state that these grown kids will abandon him. A good counselor might be able to help him see that if he doesn't stop the abuse, he will be abandoned, and it won't be by the kids.

    Answer by lilangilyn at 4:42 PM on Jul. 30, 2013

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.