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Soon to be ex. step mother, over stepping her boundries???

My dd's sperm donor has never been a consistant part of her life. Hit & miss w/ visitation, always late when he did show up, never spending time w/ her, just having her occupy his other kids when he got her, & never paying child support.

He married "Crystal" & had kids w/ her. And though I would try to help her at the beginning (he was an abusive jerk, which is why I left him) she'd end up going back to him. My dh & I have been together since dd was 2, & she started calling him daddy, & though we never encouraged it, & would correct her on it, I refused to punish her for it. So dd would go over there, when they decided to show up, & Crystal would demand that she not call dh daddy, but then go on to ask why dd never called her "mommy"... She would also get mad, & in front of my dd tell her sperm donor that he needed to demand to have her on non-scheduled holidays, even though in recent yrs. they never got her anything... etc.

A few yrs ago, both sperm donor & his wife, ended up in jail, later we learned that Crystal had left him for someone else, after she found out they would be going to jail, because she blamed him for screwing her life up.... Once they got out, sperm donor was living w/ his parents & they came to get dd a few times for visitation, & they told her that Crystal was mad because they didn't go to pick up his other 3 kids. They are younger, & since my dd is nearly 15 & self sufficient... (sp) they would rather have her around. (It's not right, but that's how they are) This only lasted about 3-4 times, then they stopped. Sperm donor had gotten back w/ Crystal.

Sperm donor hasn't had any contact w/ dd since Dec. 2011, except for a call on this past Christmas eve, saying he had presents (all bought by & from his parents) & wanted her to come see him,that night, to which she told him she wanted nothing to do w/ him. Other than that, no cards, calls, texts, or visits...

I recently saw that dd received a message on fb from Crystal. (DD is "friends" w/ her step brother on there & Crystal used his account to send the message, since dd denied her sperm donors 'friend request, & Crystal's as well) It was basically a long guilt trip type message, telling dd that she was sorry that she had to leave dd's "bio father", (they broke up again, & he took off for the west coast) but that she had nothing to do w/ him anymore, & she was sure that dd wanted nothing to do w/ her, but that she "misses her sooo much, & if only just for the other 3 kids, if dd wants to come over & babysit them, or meet at the park, & I'll sit way away from you, & you won't even have to see me". She went on to say that she's sure they prob. won't even recognize her anymore since it's been soooo long since they have gotten to see her, since she didn't "want" to see them at Christmas... As if it was my dd's fault that she hadn't been contacted by them for a yr. & then when they decided they could make time to see her she said she didn't want to see them...

DD wants nothing to do w/ any of them & ignored the message. I told her that if she wanted to see her step siblings that I would go w/ her, because it's not their fault about their parents, but she said she doesn't want to. I don't want her to regret, not being a part of her step sibling's lives later in life, but I don't want to push her either. And I was highly irritated that her "step mother' would try to send her a guilt trip. Should I just leave it be, or try to encourage dd to at least have a relationship w/ her step siblings. And should I ignore the guilt letter, or contact crystal & let her know that it was inappropriate for her to have sent it?

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HappyEndings

Asked by HappyEndings at 11:32 AM on Jun. 3, 2013 in General Parenting

Level 18 (6,438 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • I think DD handled it all very well
    She already knows if she ignores them they will go away.
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 11:45 AM on Jun. 3, 2013

  • I could understand a little more if they were half siblings but come on former step siblings? If she doesn't want to see them I wouldn't force her.
    405mom

    Answer by 405mom at 11:54 AM on Jun. 3, 2013

  • DD is doing everything great
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 12:00 PM on Jun. 3, 2013

  • So which is it step or half? Are they her dad's biological kids? I wouldn't push her right now, but just let her know if she changes her mind you will help her see them. They are her siblings regardless of how much she might despise their parents it isn't their fault. If they are little assholes then I don't blame her for not wanting to see them. As for the mom, I would just ignore her.
    kmath

    Answer by kmath at 12:07 PM on Jun. 3, 2013

  • Your DD is a smart girl and finally figured things out for herself.
    Most kids do around that age. Let her handle how she deals with his side of the family from now on.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:25 PM on Jun. 3, 2013

  • I'm very proud of my dd, & def. do not want to push her, I just don't want her to regret it later on. I've basically left it up to her for years as far as his side goes, & told her I would support her on whatever she decides. Legally, I have to allow him to see her on scheduled visitation days, should he ever decided to show up, but other than that, I've told her to think things through, & make sure that she's making the right choices for herself, & not letting her hurt make her say or do things that she may regret... And I guess hey are considered her 1/2 siblings since they are his bio. children....
    HappyEndings

    Comment by HappyEndings (original poster) at 1:33 PM on Jun. 3, 2013

  • *they*
    HappyEndings

    Comment by HappyEndings (original poster) at 1:34 PM on Jun. 3, 2013

  • she may not be able to get back to this time in their lives but she can always reconnect at a later date

    and the request for a visit didnt come from the siblings- it came as an add on in a pathetic manipulative message from a psycho twat
    as an adult? if I had received a similar msg I probably wouldve said no too
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 1:42 PM on Jun. 3, 2013

  • If DD wants nothing to do with them, then she handled it very well. I don't think the step mom overstepped though, she could really be missing her, when having a child in your life for so long, even not your own child, you tend to get attached.
    leksismommy

    Answer by leksismommy at 2:17 PM on Jun. 3, 2013

  • Support your daughter in her decision; don't second guess her. If she changes her mind later on, she can always try to connect with the half siblings later. Making choices and sometimes dealing with regrets is a part of life. It sounds like your daughter has a good head on her shoulders. You're raising her to set appropriate boundaries.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 2:58 PM on Jun. 3, 2013

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