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Frustrations with my 9 year old daughter

I don't know if its the wonderful hormonal change of the female body but lately she has walked around the house giving attitude body language facial expressions anything to show that she doesn't like something and she makes everybody aware of it with her attitude and I have reached my breaking point with her it's been going on for months and I just told her that she is grounded from everything is this too extreme to demand a little respect when asking her something so simple as to put the dishes away without attitude or do I just need to calm down and reassess

all she cares about is speeding through her school work just so she could watch TV or play with her toys. so honestly in a frustration I told her you know what you're grounded from everything you can either read a book clean something or you can stand in the corner I took the TV away I took all the toys away I'm tempted to just make her sleep on the floor with a pillow and a blanket and give her nothing but peanut butter and jelly and a glass of milk until I get some stinkin respect

is that too harsh or does it sound pretty much right on the money. I also make it very clear to her that every punishment she receives is a consequence to her choices

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wifey000175554

Asked by wifey000175554 at 2:55 PM on Jun. 4, 2013 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 15 (1,898 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • I read your question yesterday about the "accidents" she is having & then this question & I think this is nothing more than a power struggle between you two. The punishing and animosity that you are showing is doing the opposite of what is intended. I think she may feel alienated & separate, maybe unable to please you & now doesn't care to do so. I think you two need to reconnect in some way. Like maybe sit down & talk to her & tell her how proud you are of her of some things & that you love her very much. Let her talk to you & although she may not be able to communicate her feelings try it anyway. Spend some more alone time with her. Maybe go out for a walk just the two of you or go for an ice cream. You need to reconnect with her before you can't anymore. We all get so wrapped up in our day that we forget that they need to be reminded how much we love them & their importance to us & how we value them.
    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 3:06 PM on Jun. 4, 2013

  • I wonder if you've been teaching her to respect you since she was little. If you haven't, you may have a rough go of it for a while. Sometimes, parents are gifted by a compliant child--at least for the first few years. As a result of that, they are blindsided when this disrespect rears its ugly head. If you haven't laid the proper groundwork of why respect of one's parents is required, it's really not fair to just start taking all her stuff away from her. To be honest, you run the risk of making her even more defiant and disrespectful, not just of you, but of all authority. I would sit her down when I could be calm and objective and I would explain to her why it is required that children respect and obey their parents and how that is then transferred to other authority figures like coaches and teachers. I would describe to her what respect looks like and what disrespect looks like. After that, assess consequences.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 3:07 PM on Jun. 4, 2013

  • both comments are wonderful it's hard to see these points when you're so frustrated in the current situation
    wifey000175554

    Comment by wifey000175554 (original poster) at 3:11 PM on Jun. 4, 2013

  • ^^^
    what NannyB said
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 3:12 PM on Jun. 4, 2013

  • Is it too much to ask that a nine-year-old puts the dishes away without giving you attitude? Absolutely not.

    That being said, I think you may be acting out of anger and losing your sense of perspective. Grounding your daughter from TV and toys till she loses the attitude is one thing, but taking away her bed and feeding her nothing but bread and peanut butter is extreme. Your reaction has become more about your resentment and outrage than about changing your daughter's behavior. Taking away her bed and proper food will only spawn more anger, not achieve your goal of mutual understanding. I agree that finding some way to connect with your daughter and start some positive interactions will serve you better. Is there a hobby you could do together over the summer maybe?
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 3:12 PM on Jun. 4, 2013

  • If you want to change her attitude you're going to have to be the adult and change your's. Find something positive to say to her every day. Thank her when she does do something she should. Take some time to spend just with her. Try doing something she likes. Go get your hair done together. See a chick flick. Get an ice cream, etc.

    You're going to have to connect with her now before you lose her.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 3:20 PM on Jun. 4, 2013

  • I recommend you respond in a way that supports & facilitates change. It doesn't mean LIKING how things are, but accepting the moment as it is & responding to it in a way that allows the reality of the moment to shift & change.
    I don't like every tone of voice or every reaction that my 9 year old has, but I focus on what I can control, which is my own reaction. This helps our interactions unfold well.
    Having a different way to respond to the signals she's broadcasting so clearly will help. I recommend you focus on acknowledging her feelings rather than taking issue with HOW she's expressing them. Acknowledge what the expression, tone, or language communicate: that she doesn't like this, that she didn't like hearing that, that she doesn't like feeling bossed around, etc. Showing empathy for the feelings can improve your relationship (rather than continuing to erode it), and it is connection that supports cooperation!
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 4:03 PM on Jun. 4, 2013

  • You have 9 more years of this attitude I hate to say. Unless you finds some magical want to wave over her to make her act better. Theis will only get worse. Unless something is going on with her you do not know about?
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 5:39 PM on Jun. 4, 2013

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