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2 Bumps

Anyone else feel this way or am I just a selfish *****?

I was at my son's graduation and his "step-mom" (in quotes as that's what she and my ex insist on calling her even though they aren't married, just living together) was acting like she was his mom. I'm sorry, but *I* am his mother. I carried him for 9 months. I went thru the 10 hours of labor. I was there when he was sick. I was there for his 1st step. I was there his 1st day of school. You get the point. I've been there and I'm still there. My ex didn't want to be married any more so he left. But I still have my kids every other weekend. Plus holidays, plus I send them FB messages. And above else, my kids know I'm here for them if they ever need me.

I don't want my ex back in any way shape or form. Now that I have seen his true colors and have thought about how controlling he really was (reminds me of the post where the woman wasn't ALLOWED to turn on the AC. Yeah, there were many things I wasn't ALLOWED to do), I just don't want him. Besides, I am really happy with my current SO and he treats me WAY better.

I never wanted to be an ex wife. I never wanted my kids to have a step mom. I'm glad that she loves my kids and I truly am glad that she makes him happy. I'm no longer "in love" with him but I will always love him. He is still the father of my children and we did have many happy memories together. I'm just really having a hard time with this and wondering if it will ever get better. Or will I forever want to rip her eyes out every time she says anything to my kids or touches them?


Asked by tempsingl3mom at 9:27 PM on Jun. 6, 2013 in Relationships

Level 26 (27,595 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (20)
  • I think it's important to remember that emotions aren't wrong or right, they just are. I wouldn't presume to criticize a mom for her feelings of possessiveness when it comes to her kids, believe me. I'm sure a lot of the moms on here had the best intentions of trying to help show another perspective, about how you can never have too many people love your child. That isn't to say that feeling some hostility to the stepmom, or whatever you want to call her, is necessarily bad, it just is what it is. But it might be a good idea to recognize that hostility, own it, and then consciously decide to look at the situation from another perspective and also realize gratefulness that your boys have another maternal figure in their lives isn't out of line, either. It's really easy for someone who isn't in the situation to tell another person how to feel, or how she shouldn't feel, and that's unproductive.

    Answer by Ballad at 12:01 AM on Jun. 7, 2013

  • You only have them every other weekend, so roughly 4 days out of every 30, or 13% of their lives. I'm sure it sucks, but she really is filling the maternal role in their lives. If she is good to your kids and treats them as her own, give her some credit and be glad she's good to them. There are plenty of stepmothers who treat the kids badly or aren't willing to be involved much at all.

    Answer by JulieJacobKyle at 9:57 PM on Jun. 6, 2013

  • So your ex has primary custody of the kids....I hate to say it but she DOES fill the "maternal role" in the household when the kids are with their dad which if he has primary IS the majority of the time. She is their "mom" now too. Now that doesn't mean that she replaces you, but you BOTH need to learn to get along for the sake of the kids to provide the BEST example of motherhood that you can.

    Answer by KristiS11384 at 9:38 PM on Jun. 6, 2013

  • i can't see myself feeling like that if my ex ever finds a woman that's willing to take a man with all of his issues. honestly i think its so nice for the kids when they luck out with a terrific stepmom. of course its not always going to be rainbows and sunshine but atleast you dont have to deal with a woman that purposely drives a wedge between your kids and your ex, which is the situation im faced with with my other ex (yeah i have two baby daddies) honestly, which would you rather have? a woman who hates your kids, or loves them? consider yourself lucky.

    Answer by tnm786 at 9:51 PM on Jun. 6, 2013

  • I agree with KristiS, although, I do understand where you are coming from. I think it is natural to have those "mama bear" instincts. 


    Answer by JeremysMom at 9:52 PM on Jun. 6, 2013

  • how about this- My ex lives with his parents and when my DD was really young she called G-Ma mom :(
    i didnt want to scratch her eyes out. i was really thankful she put MY kids ahead of herself
    she didnt HAVE to take on this burden and has always been nothing but kind warm and loving

    seriously- is this the big bad evil step mom or someone who loves your kids?
    and can any kid have too many people that love them?

    additionally, based on past questions- you sound a little bit immature. not saying it's a bad thing. i didnt hit full stride until about 30+years.

    perhaps you have some unresolved issues that would be best discussed in a therapeutic setting?

    Answer by feralxat at 10:49 PM on Jun. 6, 2013

  • We all are given one Mother and our one Mother gives us what no one else♥

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 9:34 PM on Jun. 6, 2013

  • My daughter doesn't have a stepmom, and I guess technically I'm not one because I'm not married to my boyfriend, who has two kids with his ex wife. But I love those kids very much, especially the younger one, who comes to our home every other weekend and on most school breaks. I call im my stepson because I've bee in his life for ten years and watched him grw up, and there really isn't a good title for a situation like that. So I have some idea of the dynamics. The way I see it, and the wa I hope I would still see it if my daughter was in the situation, is you can never have too many people love your child. You're the only mother your son will ever have in the sense that you gave him life, but another woman is part of his world, and hopefully she cares deeply for him.

    I was told to think of a stepmom as a mom who "steps in" when the mother can't be around. Not a take-over mom, a step-in mom. Maybe that will help.

    Answer by Ballad at 9:57 PM on Jun. 6, 2013

  • I also share my boys with a step mom who is a total c word most of the time. It used to infuriate me to have to share their special days with her or when she would call herself their mom. Then I figured out that we don't choose our titles in our children's lives, they do. They know who is mom and nothing changes that. If this step mom is loving to them she might be a good friend to them and that's ok. But every child knows who mom really is whether it's biological or not.

    Answer by Nimue930 at 11:56 PM on Jun. 6, 2013

  • I wouldn't call her "stepmom", ever. I would call her by her first name. Tell at least they married.

    Answer by louise2 at 10:08 PM on Jun. 6, 2013