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4 Bumps

My in laws...

It's been 11 weeks now since we've had any communication with them. The sole exception was on May 29th (day before our daughters b-day) a text that said simply "can we meet for lunch and gifts?" to which we choose to not reply. There's been a few snail mail letters/cards sent, too, and we returned to sender them. Originally 11 weeks ago we said if they didn't cease communication we'd get a restraining order but we've yet to act on that, mostly since we're just happy they stopped showing up at my husbands job embarrassing him.

Marriage has never been better. It's been amazing... our arguments now are limited to we're eating too much boring chicken and where to see the fireworks this year. We fought over them constantly in the past and the drama being removed is hugely apparent.

BUT.... in the pits of my stomach as the time is ticking on here I am beginning to feel some guilt. These aren't my crazy parents, they're his. And I certainly don't miss them ... but I feel some uncomfortable remorse/guilt. I have no idea what to do... bringing this up to hubby seems very stupid. But the feeling is uncomfortable. Thoughts?

Answer Question
 
hibbingmom

Asked by hibbingmom at 12:08 PM on Jun. 10, 2013 in Relationships

Level 35 (71,876 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • I don't know what caused the cut off, but you have to stay strong. I recommend joining this group if you already haven't.


    http://www.cafemom.com/group/32665/


    they have a lot if experience in cut offs and would probably have good info on how to approach the subject with your DH since it is his family.  

    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 12:18 PM on Jun. 10, 2013

  • LMAO @ link. Thanks! and cut offs... there's a term. love it, labeling stuff helps. much thanks :)
    hibbingmom

    Comment by hibbingmom (original poster) at 12:20 PM on Jun. 10, 2013

  • The in-laws used to be a HUGE source of conflict for my dh & I for yrs.... mainly because there would always be some kind of drama involved or he'd always be putting them first. Not sure about the situation you've had w/ your in-laws in the past, to make you guys cut off contact. However it speaks volumes that things are now much better between you & your dh, w/ them not in the picture. I understand how you feel. I was always torn, wanting him to put some distance between us & them, for the good of our marriage, & yet feeling guilty, because they are his family & I didn't want him to resent me later on or blame me for putting a wedge between them. It's a tough spot that you're in & I truly feel for you. I'd enjoy the peace for now, but maybe talk to your dh about how you're feeling & how he's feeling about things in the near future & go from there. GL!!
    HappyEndings

    Answer by HappyEndings at 12:31 PM on Jun. 10, 2013

  • I don't know if it's guilt so much as doubts about the future. There is a time where you have to cut people out of your life but with family it's much harder because there are always others involved. What do you tell the kids? What if they want to meet with gma & gpa? How do you deal with Aunts/Uncles/Cousins regarding the cut off?

    It's hard and sometimes neccesary. Maybe they are ready to listen and you could try a lunch/gift for bday. Maybe not. Only you can tell.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 12:38 PM on Jun. 10, 2013

  • My boyfriend and I had to cut my parents and siblings off. Sometimes it gets complicated, like this summer when there's a family wedding I want to take my daughter to and we both worry that I'll run into a contingent of the troublemakers, but for the most part it's been a releif. Speaking as the one whose parents were causing the conflict, I'm glad not to have them as a thorn in our side every day. I'd wait and see if your husband says anything, and follow his lead, but he may be as relieved as you are.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 2:59 PM on Jun. 10, 2013

  • That's hard. Don't know what made you get to that point, but it must be severe to return cards & gifts meant for your child's B-day. Are they that toxic that you can't allow their grandchildren to accept a gift or to be around them? If so, then I'm sad for all of you. That's just something I never had to deal with growing up.

    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 3:05 PM on Jun. 10, 2013

  • I have no idea what the problems have been, and they very well may have been severe. I always try to look past behaviors and ask myself how I would want to be treated if the situations were reversed. Behaviors are outward signs of inward problems, so I wonder if anyone has ever tried to find out the real reason why they have behaved the way they have. If you find the root, you can usually kill the fruit. I think that by cutting them out of your lives, you risk that one day your children are going to blame you that they never got to know and spend time with their grandparents. If that happens, then you will be the one who will likely be shunned. These things tend to go in vicious cycles, and it's always a good idea for somebody to be willing to at least try to break the cycle. That's the approach I think you should try to take. How to go about that will be the biggest hurdle.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 3:10 PM on Jun. 10, 2013

  • Did your DH want this? Or was it your doing?
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 3:21 PM on Jun. 10, 2013

  • As far as who WANTED it, the straw breaking camels back was coming to my husbands job 3x in a month and also leaving notes on his windshield a few other times. He was soooo embarrassed. But I'd been fantasizing about eliminating them for YEARS.... but never envisioned it happening. We've never argued LESS. It's like a vacation. The kids don't miss them (yet) because they had a big blow up of their own w/ them. (at a restaurant, in laws wouldn't take kids to restroom til people were done eating. it was a huge battle, kids argued and stuck up for one another and that was considered attitude problems) but no no this was not of my doing.... supporting husbands decision after the whole work fiasco. they're just weird people. rude and weird.
    hibbingmom

    Comment by hibbingmom (original poster) at 4:12 PM on Jun. 10, 2013

  • Well, ultimately you have to do what's best for your family. I would def. follow hubby's lead on this one. Maybe the guilt you are referring to is that you don't want to completely close the door on them, esp. since they seem to be reaching out to the grandkids.  Just a guess on that last part.  I guess for now, enjoy the peace & tranquility :)

    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 4:17 PM on Jun. 10, 2013

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