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2 Bumps

I can't get what he said out of my head.

On Saturday night my husband and I got into an argument (first one in a long time). Anyways, he told me that he was only staying with me because of his pride. This is not the first time he has said this. I am a firm believer in divorce is not an option (except in extreme circumstances- adultery, addiction, or abuse), however, this has really hurt me. He apologized the next day. Our anniversary is Saturday and I don't feel like celebrating. I am hurt and part of me knows that I deserve better but another part of me wants to just forget about it and keep on. This is more for me to just get this off my chest than anything but any advice is welcome.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:09 PM on Jun. 10, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Marriage counseling! Tomorrow!

    And it doesn't matter whether you believe in divorce; if he decides he does and files, he doesn't need you to agree with it or believe in it. So get to work on preventing it. Go to counseling on your own if he won't go with you, but be warned: If he refuses to go it's more than likely you won't celebrate any additional anniversaries. Takes two people to make a marriage work. But if only one works at it, the marriage will founder.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:14 PM on Jun. 10, 2013

  • My advice would be to have a heart to heart talk with him. I know that when people have arguments, things are said that perhaps aren't meant but there is a little bit of truth in it. I strongly believe that every healthy relationship needs to have arguments every once in awhile. Otherwise you have a dictator and a door mat. After awhile, the dictator gets bored of the doormat and searches for a younger doormat that isn't as matted down.

    With your anniversary coming up, I would suggest thinking about why you fell in love with him, why you married him and his good traits. Maybe even write him a letter detailing all of that.

    You may also want to think about counseling for both of you.
    tempsingl3mom

    Answer by tempsingl3mom at 11:18 PM on Jun. 10, 2013

  • Understand..
    morebee7

    Answer by morebee7 at 11:24 PM on Jun. 10, 2013

  • When my husband and I got married we agreed we would never divorce and become a statistic. We would stay together and make each other miserable instead. We were serious and joking at the same time. Now we have been married 37 years and we are a statistic anyway lol.
    The thing is that we all hit rocky roads in our marriages. If we use our "pride" to stick with our marriages , at least to give ourselves a chance to work through the hurdles, it is not that bad a thing. The bad part is that it hurt you. You have to start communications before there is an argument. Tell him how much this statement really hurts you and ask, even, what he means when he says it. Communication is key to any marriage. If you can't do it between you then seek help from a counselor.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 1:03 AM on Jun. 11, 2013

  • There's an old saying that goes, "What's on a sober mind will come out of a drunk mouth." I think the same holds true of an angry mouth. Not that your husband meant it because maybe he didn't, but for him to say that to you, especially more than once, means on some level it's true for him. Have a talk when you aren't upset with each other, and decide if the marriage is workable. If he is staying with you because of his pride, do yourself a favor and leave. You deserve better.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 1:10 AM on Jun. 11, 2013

  • You could use your anniversary as a way to begin again. Start by having a heart to heart & if that doesn't get you where you want, then counseling should be considered. GL

    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 7:13 AM on Jun. 11, 2013

  • We all say things in anger that we wish we had not said. We all think things that we do not speak. We all need forgiveness at times and we all need to extend forgiveness. We all make choices every day that we live. He has apologized so I believe you choose to accept that he was angry, said something that he wishes he had not, forgive him, and have a lovely anniversary. Choose to believe the best rather than the worst about your husband.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 7:39 AM on Jun. 11, 2013

  • Something is up, I would say counseling would be a good start and lots of discussion something is going on in your marriage. What the heck did he mean by that comment?
    Sillylins

    Answer by Sillylins at 9:30 AM on Jun. 11, 2013

  • It hurt for a reason. Your feelings are valid.
    This doesn't mean what happened is irreconcilable, or that he is awful or even that he did/said something wrong.
    There is some good perspective (about how to view the particulars of what he said) in Dardenella's response to you.
    I believe we are allowed to have our feelings & that we are not "all one way" inside, particularly in our most intimate connections. We have mixed feelings in the moment--feelings that are the result of our beliefs, thoughts/perspectives, and our experiences/old wounds--and our "negative" or antisocial feelings tend to be tempered by our more moderate, positive, or pro-social feelings. But all are true of us, at least some of the time, and all are valid. (Not "wrong.")
    The fact that it hurt you to hear that indicates something inside you, some doubt perhaps, some expectation, some belief about how he should feel/behave or shouldn't. It's a valid hurt! My
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:22 AM on Jun. 11, 2013

  • advice is to try to be gentle with yourself. Accept your feelings (don't stuff them) & share them as vulnerably as you can manage. (We're vulnerable when we "own" our feelings as our own & express them personally, rather than focusing on establishing blame or wrongness in the other person, which is a less vulnerable way to communicate, and which also tends to trigger defensiveness in the partner.)
    This gives you an opportunity to work through the experience & resolve the unsettling feelings.
    I'm glad he apologized for what he said; he probably does regret it!
    Accepting his apology & his wish for things to be "all better" doesn't mean stuffing your feelings or pretending they're gone. You can accept that show of good faith & still honor your feelings in response. And I believe you can honor your feelings without ending the relationship! It doesn't have to be either/or (if I don't believe in divorce, I have to "forget" & fake)!
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:32 AM on Jun. 11, 2013

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