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4 Bumps

How to explain our family situation to my almost 4 year old daughter?

I was with a man for two years and ended up pregnant with his baby (my daughter). He and I had a huge falling out and we ended up splitting up and he moved back to his native country, Guatemala.

He moved when she was 10 months old and he has no plans of returning. She doesn't remember him but on occasion we will visit with his mother whom she calls grandma.

I met a wonderful guy when she was 2 and we are getting married next fall. I'm expecting my first child with him and when we moved in together in February my daughter started calling him "daddy" all on her own. We didn't correct her as her bio dad will more than likely never be in her life and my fiance has been around and loves her as his own. He plans to adopt her once we are married.

How do we explain this to my daughter though? She's a few months shy of 4 and I want to always been honest about the situation. I want her to call my fiance daddy and be included in the family but I also do not want her growing up thinking we lied to her or something if we don't explain things properly.

Answer Question
 
collegexmamix28

Asked by collegexmamix28 at 5:50 PM on Jun. 11, 2013 in Relationships

Level 12 (663 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • be* honest
    collegexmamix28

    Comment by collegexmamix28 (original poster) at 5:51 PM on Jun. 11, 2013

  • She's too young. She won't understand. Wait until she's older.
    Hollyhock.

    Answer by Hollyhock. at 5:55 PM on Jun. 11, 2013

  • I think you should just explain it when she's a little older and can understand it better. She already calls him daddy and doesnt remember bio dad.
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 5:58 PM on Jun. 11, 2013

  • I would wait until she's a little older. Not much, but enough that you can be certain she understands.

    Is her bio father going to give up his rights so that your fiance can adopt her? If so, you might also ask him to write her a letter explaining why he did it (I would hope it would be good reasons like he loves her enough to want her to have a dad who's there for her every day, he wants the best for her, etc.). She may one day, even if your fiance is the best dad in the world, wonder why her bio father gave her up, and maybe blame herself somehow. A letter from him explaining his reasons might help ease that - if it happens.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 6:03 PM on Jun. 11, 2013

  • I would wait a few more years. She'll start asking questions on her own, especially when she figures out she has an extra grandma, and she will figure it out because little kids don't miss much. When she asks, give only the information she asks for until she gets old enough to want more. At six if she asks why she doesn't look like you or her daddy, just tell her you loved a man very much who helped her to be born, and then he went away and now you both have another daddy to love. I like Wendy's idea of a letter from the bio dad if he will write one.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 6:12 PM on Jun. 11, 2013

  • For sure wait until she is older. And make sure you request that family members and friends who know the situation don't say anything.
    I agree with Ballad and like Wendy's idea of the letter. When you do tell her, make sure she knows that it was never anything she did and that you love her very much.

    I understand wanting to be honest, but there are some things we just don't tell our kids when they are too little. And some things I don't think we ever need to tell our children. For example, I've never told my children when I've had sex. They are all old enough to know about the birds and the bees now so I'm sure they know I have, but I haven't told them.
    tempsingl3mom

    Answer by tempsingl3mom at 7:28 PM on Jun. 11, 2013

  • congrates on the baby on the way and the up coming marriage

    do not over think honest
    she is way too young to go into it

    you can start explaining when she is a bit older

    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 8:15 PM on Jun. 11, 2013

  • Best advice I've gotten about being honest with kids is to just simply answer their questions. When they stop asking you to explain, stop talking.

    Also, make sure biodad has signed away his rights. Hopefully his mother will remain in your DD's life.

    Congrats and good luck!
    KPBMom

    Answer by KPBMom at 5:47 PM on Jun. 12, 2013

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