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4 Bumps

How to respond to a homophobic spouse?

Our daughter suspects she's a lesbian, but unfortunately my husband does not like the idea of that.

Answer Question

Asked by SashaKrushnic at 2:06 AM on Jun. 13, 2013 in Teens (13-17)

Level 2 (7 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • I would ask him to explain what it is about homosexuality that scares or angers him. You need to dig to find the root beliefs or thoughts. Then, correct them with examples. For example, he might say he's really scared that she might contract AIDS, which is prevalent among the gay community. This is a valid fear which he might generalize into "If she turns out to be gay, she will not live as long. Therefore, I don't want her to be gay." You could correct this belief by saying that if she has good parents that educate her about STDs and safe sex, how could she possibly be at high risk? Or, if he's afraid she might be bullied by others, you could say, "Then, it's our job to teach her to be strong and how to seek help. Just a few examples, but the key is to find out what about it is really bothering him, then address it with practical solutions. Give him the sense that things can be done to address his concerns.

    Answer by hellokittykat at 3:11 AM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • Also, point out how he loved her BEFORE he knew about her possibly being gay. She hasn't changed otherwise. You could even find something about him that you didn't like about him before you married him. Then, explain how finding out that some things were different about you did not change your relationship with him. Usually, prejudices are a reflection of an inner fear about oneself. Maybe he fears he was a bad parent and that it caused her to become gay (we all know how that's not logical, but nevertheless, people have illogical thoughts like these). Or, he might just be offended as a guy in general. I know several people who are like this. They feel that it makes it seem like men have nothing good to offer, and as a man, of course he is going to take offense to that. He might feel her curiosity about being gay is a reflection of how much of a man he is. He feels rejected as a man. Good luck in any case!

    Answer by hellokittykat at 3:20 AM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • Tell him it is not his place to agree or not, she is going to be who she is no matter what and is this worth loosing your daughter over? Nothing will change for this girl is she is, she will still be the daughter he has......

    Answer by older at 6:50 AM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • Tell him to grow up.

    Answer by NotPanicking at 2:14 AM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • How old is your daughter? Has she told you and your husband about her thoughts? In what way have the two of you responded so far? How has your daughter reacted to your responses up till now?

    Answer by Ballad at 2:14 AM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • What you said to her is what needed to be said, she will need both of her parents to support her.

    Answer by older at 6:51 AM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • Tell him to shut his damn both. He's her dad and should love her for who she is not who he wants her to be.

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 9:05 AM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • It's his daughter. If he thinks there's something "wrong" with her, remind him that she is a product of his DNA and perhaps HE is the defective one!!!

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:21 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • She will be turning 16 this July, and yes, she has. I think I responded the correct way; telling her that I love her either way, and I just want her to be happy. He basically told her that she doesn't want her to give up on men, but thankfully kept his terribly homophobic comments to himself. My daughter doesn't really seem to be fazed by what he has to say, which I'm grateful for.

    Comment by SashaKrushnic (original poster) at 2:19 AM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • Ask him if he'd rather see his daughter in an abusive relationship with a man or a lesbian relationship with a woman. I mean seriously! Do parents who are homophobic ever think that it could be a lot worse? Because I would rather have my daughter be happy with a woman than miserable with a man.

    Answer by uwmilf at 2:56 AM on Jun. 13, 2013

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