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I know i spoke to her wrong, but to start stuff at church, really? more of a vent really

i've known this family for almost two years now. she's with an abuser who thinks every guy she talks to she's sleeping with. when she's out she has to be on the phone with him or she's sleeping around. she'll tell me that he thinks she's sleeping with my guy! she says this EVERY DAY! not one time but 4 to 8 times a day! i've told her i didn't want to hear it and she still keeps saying it. so i told her unless they stop voicing it to me, i don't want her around me.

heres where the trouble starts, she lives in housing and HAS to do volunteer work 8 hours a month. she chose my church (i've been helping out for six months before she came in) and she's telling everyone i'm telling everyone lies, that i'm doing this or that to her. she just doesn't quit, and then they come and tell me what she's saying. one lady almost punched her for it! the one lady in charge in charge keeps saying just let it go. she's only here twice a month to get her hours, she doesn't come to church anymore, just let her talk and don't listen.

she hasn't been there for almost three months, she came for the first time weds, and now it's worse than ever. i'm on the verge to let the 60yo just pound her like she wants to do just to shut her up! everyone that works at the cove are my friends, we are a solid team and we really don't need nor want all this negativity that this other woman wants to bring into our circle.
you know what i mean? but really how would you deal with her?
we are a food and clothes pantry.


Asked by noel1978 at 12:26 PM on Jun. 13, 2013 in Religion & Beliefs

Level 24 (20,417 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • There will always be gossip in churches, that's half the reason anyone goes (though a lot of them will staunchly deny it). If there's other gossip going on that has nothing to do with you and her, she has no reason to really believe nobody else is interested in, or repeating, what she has to say. For all you know, some of them are encouraging her when you're not there to hear it.

    If she's leaving soon, get through it. If this is going to be an ongoing situation, you may want to consider having your days there separate from the ones she's there. If she's not getting the reaction, she may not be as inclined to speak up.

    Answer by NotPanicking at 12:40 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • Wow, NannyB.! Interesting that this woman is the one telling lies, starting trouble, and yet according to you, SHE'S the victim? Their refusal to believe her lies and being frustrated with it is appalling? Wow!

    Personally, I'd keep voicing my concerns, but I would not resort (or let anyone else resort) to physical violence. It will only give her the "proof" she needs that her lies are truth. Have the others who are bothered voice their concerns as well. She has to do volunteering, but she doesn't have to do it at your church. If the person in charge hears enough about it, eventually she'll get fed up and send this woman packing. Then she can find somewhere else to get her hours in and share her negativity.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 12:43 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • Honestly? I'd sit her down intervention style. (with the whole group)
    She clearly needs help. Her husband has mental issues.
    Sit her down and get to the root of it, and if she cannot be reasonable you can tell her (as a group) that if she comes again you will call the police and have her removed.

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:03 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • The woman needs help and you all are being given the opportunity to give her the help she needs. Do you not know that a person like her is so insecure that she's behaving in the only way she knows to call attention to herself? She lives with an abuser, for Heaven's sake! You all are in the church, and all you want to do is get rid of the person who desperately needs your help? Every one of you should be reaching out to her, asking her what you can do to help her. No wonder the church has such a bad name! I'm sure I'm the odd woman out on this, but I have much more sympathy for this poor woman than for the rest of you. Perhaps it is because I have sometimes been where she is and received the exact same treatment as you are giving her. I'm very sorry but I find the way this woman is being received and treated to be appalling.

    Answer by NannyB. at 12:39 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • if she comes again you will call the police and have her removed.

    From the sound of it, they don't have that option - her placement there is through the state. At best the pantry director could contact her social worker to say it's not working out, but if they do, does that put her in danger of losing her home?

    Answer by NotPanicking at 1:07 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • It sounds like she is desperate for some form of attention. Could be her SO is isolating her, so she's getting it however she can.

    I'd keep voicing my concerns to the person in charge and ignore her so you're not giving her what she wants. Physical fighting is not going to solve anything.

    Good luck.

    Answer by anng.atlanta at 12:36 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • I would wait until everyone that you work with is together then confront her in front of everyone. Tell her to stop because no one believes her lies.

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 12:46 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • It's a church group, right? Take it to the pastor. Let the pastor know there is a problem and what you know about this woman. Let the pastor take it from there.

    I do suspect that this woman is trying to get someone to put her in front of an authority figure to help her get out of a bad situation. No, it's not a smart way of doing it. But she's not smart in the first place so why should it be surprising?

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:46 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • If everyone is on board, and knows you're not doing the BS she says you're doing, it's time for a show of unity. All y'all need to go to the boss and say that she needs to go find her volunteer hours somewhere else, that all y'all are tired of her slander.

    This is SO HS in the drama, but if y'all are a close knit group, then y'all need to do something to stop her. The next time she's there, ans starts running her mouth, everyone needs to shut her down. Be it singly or as a group. If she comes to Sally and starts badmouthing you, Sally needs to tell her she doesn't want to hear it and walk away. Same with Betty. Suzie, Allie, and whoever else works there. OR, if y'all are pretty close together when she starts in on you with Sally, everyone at once tell her to stuff her opinion, that y'all DON'T want to hear it anymore.

    Answer by Rosehawk at 1:22 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • Is there a church counselor or minister who could intervene?

    Answer by Ballad at 3:13 PM on Jun. 13, 2013