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3 Bumps

I think its a liyyle too late, I think I should move on?Advice?

My husband is currently deployed, we have had a rough 3 years of marriage because of his porn addiction, constant lying, and talking to females on dating sites. His excuse has been it isn't me its the other me that I can't control. He says he loves me more than air??Well I moved back home to CALI to have my son who was in the NICU for about a month. He stayed in NC until he got his pr-deployment leave, when he came my son had already been born he was 3 days old. We had a good time togeher he had told me he will be a better man when he comes home from deployment and that he will do whatever it takes to make me happy. Well a month into his deployment he started spending money like crazy we had a lot of bills to pay and our debt. And I saw he had charged 80 to a dating site POF. I was pissed I wrote to him he called me yelling at me how could i accude him of such a thing that his trying to change, I found hhis profile. Than again he charged his card with another site MEETME than again I comfronted him same thing again. Well I just stopped wrote him a long email he called me said that he promise it wasn't him, around the same time he was getting NJP'D so his command wasn't too happy with him. Well now its been 3 months I let everything go he seem to be changing and seemed to be happy. My friend emailed me with a link to his meetme page it said he was on 3 days ago. I sent him the link and told him not to play me for a fool I am not blind. He admitted to having the pages but he says he hasn't done anything. I am sorry this is so long I am just so tired of the lies I feel like I need to move on but as a military wife, so many have told me I should wait because it could really affect my husband being out in a war zone. I tried talking to him again but every time he acts like nothing ever happened i know im all over the place any advice?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 2:45 PM on Jun. 13, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (14)
  • He will never stop unless he gets professsional help.

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 2:49 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • he will not change
    you either settle on your life with him and his unchanging ways, or move on wihtout him and make a life you deserve

    Answer by fiatpax at 2:55 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • I agree with the ladies above!

    Answer by older at 2:56 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • Ugh, there is no way I would put up with half the crap you've already put up with. Pretty clear he won't change. I would move on.

    Answer by JulieJacobKyle at 2:56 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • You don't have a marriage here. He's not going to change. Divorce him.

    Answer by gdiamante at 3:28 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • He can only change with help and that's if he sees that he has a problem. This is a tuff one because I know you want to support your man - but I have to say - at whose expense? Remember - you are a mother and taking care of his child - you have to take care of your mental, physical and spiritual well -being also.

    It's alot to consider. But please do consider all your options and make the best choice. If you can hold out without compromising your "health" then perhaps you can do that.

    Be well ... stay strong ... and take care of yourself and your little one.

    Answer by Myboysmom08 at 3:38 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • You've wasted 3 years. Do not waste 3 more. You deserve better don't ya think?

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 3:40 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • I imagine his good intentions are sincere but they are not enough to ensure change, nor is will power. That doesn't mean change isn't possible; it just means that true change, lasting change, requires the right conditions to support it. He can't stop, or truly change, unless he understands the reasons for his behavior. It's compulsive behavior driven by feelings. The key is to change the relationship to the feelings--develop a new way to relate to the feelings that trigger this escape/avoidance.
    It's the same as if his way of coping were drinking, or drugs, or gaming, eating, shopping, gambling, or...
    Threatening feelings trigger automatic self-protective (but ultimately destructive) behavior. It's a continuation of coping patterns (dissociation) set up in childhood. Intimacy or conflict can feel threatening, triggering self-soothing escapism. Certainly the stress of being in a war zone could exacerbate an existing pattern.

    Answer by girlwithC at 4:34 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • I have this emptiness feeling in my heart, how do I tell him???

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:19 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • You know the answer, honey. You may not like the answer, but you already know in your heart what you have to do. You don't need us to tell you.

    Answer by Ballad at 6:23 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

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