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7 Bumps

Am I being selfish?? Tough situtation, LONG

My husband's aunt and uncle adopted a baby about 4 years ago, she is now sick, long story short, she needs a kidney transplant within the next 18 months. They asked anyone who was willing, to get tested (on their dime) and see if they were a match. My DH and MIL went and got tested right that week. I didn't want to. About two weeks later DH and the rest of the family guilted me into it. So I went. Guess what? I'm a match.
As soon as it was found that I'm a match, I started getting phone calls, emails, facebook messages about how great it is and how noble it is of me to donate. I haven't said yes yet, I said I needed to think it over.
And, honestly, I don't really want to. Not that I don't like this little girl or anything, or that her life isn't important. I'm just thinking long term, what if my kids needed one down the road, if it was my kid, I would do it in a heart beat.
The parents are offering for all medical bills to be covered by them, present and future (there is a contract involved) and 30K. Its not about the money for me. It seems like they could find someone else in the next year or so for that amount.
Anyway, I told my SIL, in confidence, that I'm not sure how I feel about it, and not sure if I'll do it. Now I'm getting phone calls and messages from family how I'm so heartless and calling me nasty names.
I'm not sure what to do. I still haven't made up my mind.
I feel like if I don't do this, I'll be shunned by the family, and afraid they won't find someone else.
Any advice?
Posting it to relationships, not sure where it fits

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 4:41 PM on Jun. 13, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (25)
  • It's major surgery, and it's dangerous, and you'd be crazy not to have concerns about doing it. There's nobody who can make that decision for you, but don't make it out of guilt. Make it because you genuinely feel comfortable with it. Meanwhile, hopefully they haven't stopped looking simply because they assumed you would do it.

    Where is your husband in all this - he's the one that nagged you to get the test done, you did it for him, where is he standing up for you after you did something as a favor to him? He is the one who should be running interference. It's his family.

    Answer by NotPanicking at 4:48 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • He's not really standing up for me, but he's not bashing me either. I haven't mentioned it in a few days. But, ultimately, he thinks I should do it to save her life. I told the parents they should continue searching, while I'm thinking about it

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:52 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • Personally I would do it and not accept any payment. It's a child in your family that needs help.

    Answer by PandaGwen at 4:59 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • oh my goodness, that is a tough situation. I guess ultimately you have to be happy with your decision. It sounds like you so happen to be a match and they really pushed you to look into it anyway. You aren't wanting to be a donor and that's ok everyone has to make that personal choice, if you feel that strongly then you know that the family might never forgive you. Depending on how they are with forgiveness I suppose. The other thing is if your husband isn't supportive of your decision it could be a problem down the road. I would say to do the transplant, but that's me I'm for being able to save someones life, especially a family member! Good luck!

    Answer by Sillylins at 5:16 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • I would do it if I could. It's very unlikely that one of your kids would ever need a kidney, possible but not likely. I would feel awful if she passed on and I knew I could have saved her life.

    Answer by missanc at 5:17 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • I dodged the bullet on this one.
    My bio mom (who has hep b due to IV drug use) called me saying it was looking like she may need a transplant. Would I consider...
    I told her flat out, "No".

    I am not going to risk my health for anyone but the kids.

    I was not put on this planet to be spare parts for anyone unless "I" decide so.
    I was put here to parent my kids and do for them. KWIM?

    Answer by feralxat at 5:20 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • I would do it in a heartbeat . I could never live with the guilt that I could have saved that child if she died. Do you and your kids have blood matches? My kids and I have different blood types so I wouldn't be able to donate to them period. But like others said it is a major surgery and you needs to consider all risk, you have your own children you need to think of.

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 5:25 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • Oh I would seek out a donors counselor. They may help you with your decision. They help with families all the time whether to make the right choice or not. They do not push you to donate either.

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 5:26 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • I wouldn't do it unless it was for my DH or DS
    It's not like donating blood,you can't grow it back,and what if your remaining kidney took a shit? You'd be in the same position

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 5:36 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

  • My aunt has had two kidneys donated to her, one from a sister of hers and one from a niece. I don't know if this will help you come to a decision or not--it's personal, and scary, and you're not selfish either way. But the first surgery on the aunt of mine that donated the kidney was brutal. That was back in the nineties. The kidneys are deep inside the body, hard to get at, and my aunt spent a few months recovering. When my cousin donated the second kidney a few years ago after the disease got to the one that had already been transplanted in my aunt, the surgery was a thousand times easier because of more advanced techniques. The doctors cut a small hole and got the kidney out with a vacuum, and my cousin was on her feet in a few days. So I wouldn't let the thought of surgery deter you.

    Answer by Ballad at 5:40 PM on Jun. 13, 2013

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