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4 Bumps

Is he still a good father if...?

if he's an active participant in his latter childrens' lives but not the kids he had before them?

i swear nothing makes me feel more violent than knowing that my oldest's dad is getting showered with gifts and love today that he doesn't deserve when he has a child here that tells me she doesn't like her daddy because she doesn't know him. his absence alone makes her dislike him.

so what if he's good to his other kids. i wonder how they will feel when they grow up knowing they have a sister that their dad doesnt give a shit about.

Answer Question
 
tnm786

Asked by tnm786 at 12:20 PM on Jun. 16, 2013 in General Parenting

Level 43 (159,608 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • I don't know that it will make a huge difference to them, at least for a long time. My oldest 3 kids have a half brother that their dad doesn't speak to, wasn't involved with while he was growing up. Their brother even went so far as to legally change his last name to his mom's last name when he turned 18 (even though my ex rarely saw his son, he refused to allow him to change his name). My kids are 11, 13 and 15. They are starting to see him for who he is, but what happened with his oldest son isn't even on the radar.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 12:31 PM on Jun. 16, 2013

  • Yeah my X wasn't even concerned we lived in Arizona for eight years and he never said word one to either of his kids. Now he blames me that he and the oldest one do not get along but it was not because of me. It all comes out in the wash and when they realize how much they have missed and she realizes how little he did and how much you did. My son says happy fathers day to me to because he knows!!!
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 12:55 PM on Jun. 16, 2013

  • A good dad is good to ALL his kids.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:14 PM on Jun. 16, 2013

  • Sad to say but it is true that it is hard to divide your daily life. The question might be better asked is he a good father to you child. Obviously he is not
    The next question is he a good father to the other woman's and his children. From what you say, yes he is.

    I will give you an example of adult children. One "child lives within 30 minutes of her parents. One child lives just at 7 hours away.
    The daughter has 2 children and they see the GP at least every other week. There is always the shirt, just because or the toy that is bought at this time., all though out the year. Her children's birthdays are attended and gifts given. They watch these children grow up.
    The other "child" also has 2 children and they are approximately the same age as the sister's. They do not get the just because or the time that the other gps get. It is a rare holiday that the gps see their GPs. Do they love them less?
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 1:38 PM on Jun. 16, 2013

  • In a way maybe because of the exposure factor. The are just more of the sister's family's life. Do they really love them less. I think that is an individual call.
    The fact is that you both wanted to move on and he did. Naturally somewhere along the line you expected that he would be in his daughter's life.
    I do not know you cs. Even if it was every weekend, which I doubt, the exposure level would still be unequal.

    It might be time to sit down with him and see if he is interested in upping visitation to get closer to half and half.
    How would you feel if you were allowed only a few hours a month? You might feel it was better for both you and your daughter to just make separate lives.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 1:43 PM on Jun. 16, 2013

  • Chances are that a man who would walk away from one child of his isn't going to be a first-rate dad to the ones he's still in contact with. They'll see him for what he is sooner or later.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 1:57 PM on Jun. 16, 2013

  • Here's a secret for you, tnm: This is only temporary. When I got with my ex (the father of my 2), he had a daughter with his ex. He was a minimally decent dad to my oldest while he was here, but once we split, it was out of sight and out of mind. Don't let it get to you.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 2:09 PM on Jun. 16, 2013

  • Wth happened to what I wrote? I just came back and half of it didn't take!

    What it was supposed to say: He had a daugther with his ex, that I didn't even find out about until a week before our wedding (I was already pregnant), so that shows how involved he was with her. When he was married to me, he was a halfway decent father to my oldest, we split while I was pregnant with my youngest, and he's totally out of their lives.

    Guys like this don't ever truly make a "good" dad. They play at being Daddy when it's convenient, meaning while they're in the same house as the kids, but when it's inconvenient, they just fall off the edge of the earth.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 3:19 PM on Jun. 16, 2013

  • You might feel it was better for both you and your daughter to just make separate lives.
    ______________________________________________________________________
    I don't understand parents who think this way.
    BubbaLuva

    Answer by BubbaLuva at 6:42 PM on Jun. 16, 2013

  • My ex hasn't spoken to his daughter in 13 years. He sees his son for less than a month each year. He never sends presents, or cards. He never calls. He has 4 kids with the new wife. I have no contact with him, so I have no idea if he treats them better than he treats our kids.
    musicmaker

    Answer by musicmaker at 2:05 AM on Jun. 17, 2013

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