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4 Bumps

What to do when your adult daughter hates you?

Our 22 year old daughter has been dating a guy now for a little more than year. Even though I really liked him in the beginning and my husband tried super hard to gt along with him the relationship did not survive. Her life became all about him. Would not do anything all day till right before he gets off work and wham dressed and running out the door. We discovered things were being said about us on a public page that we were restricted on. All the while eating at our house, going out to eat with us, and texting us for help with things ( the boyfriend). And not to mention all the things we bought our daughter for apartment at college. Paid first months rent and bought all the things she needed to fill it. Only to have her stand in our faces and say she has hated for years and just used us to get thru college. She not only cut us out of her life but her grandparents, unlce, aunts, siblings and new born niece. We just celebrated graduation and her birthday. Everyone gave her money and money they did not really have to give and less than a month later she is spewing hatred at us while still living in our house rent free. She is moving out in a couple of weeks. The child I was so close with and did everything for now hates me. I never saw it coming. Always thought we would be close. Says her whole life was awful. Not what she said before mr wonderful came along. Not even what she said at the start of the relationship. We did alot of things together with them that we paid for. When he started complaining about our oldest daughter and husband being at our house without telling him they were coming. We then stopped inviting him and of course since he couldn't come she wasn't. My children are always welcome home and no appointment is needed and I will get approval from her boyfriend ahead of time. Love her dearly and my heart is breaking.                                                                              I'm not upset about buying her all those things or giving her money. I'm upset that she claims to have using us for years to get those things from us. She acted like things were getting better between us. I had asked to sit down and talk with her and her boyfriend. She said unless I was willing to accept him she was gone and done with us. I also, had asked to have dinner alone with her one night. She was mad because she wanted to eat at 5:30pm. I do not get off work till 5pm. We only live 5-10 minutes away but still had to cook the food. Turned into a huge fight and that was before her graduation. She had said if we wanted time alone with her we needed to schedule it with her cause of their plans. Never needed to that with her ex boyfriend. Always complained if we did not go out somewhere and ask him to come. He even complained about the gifts he got from parents at christmas (they live on fixed income and have 4 kids, 9 grandkids, 6 great grandkids). He should have just been glad to get something. He has even got to quit spending time with her best friends. She only goes where he can and if she does do something with her friends he has to be included.

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lifeafterkids

Asked by lifeafterkids at 11:21 AM on Jun. 20, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (7 Credits)
Answers (21)
  • Ask her to leave immediately. I don't know if I could have someone like that living under my roof and still using me. I know this is hard because everything in you wants to support and care for your child, but she is not a chile d anymore and needs to start living the consequences of her words and actions. Do not enable her.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 11:25 AM on Jun. 20, 2013

  • First you stop dwelling on what you paid for... you are her mom... that is your job. Next you tell her you love her no matter what and when she is ready for a reconciliation your arms and door are open.

    Big hugs Momma... she will have to come around to it, you can't force her.
    SleepingBeautee

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 11:26 AM on Jun. 20, 2013

  • I'm with Quinn. It would take all my restraint to not go right home and put all her stuff in the garage and tell her to come get it and go
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 11:28 AM on Jun. 20, 2013

  • I guess I missed the part about her living at home still. Give her 30 days to get out.
    SleepingBeautee

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 11:30 AM on Jun. 20, 2013

  • Tell her she has 48 hours to leave
    LostSoul88

    Answer by LostSoul88 at 11:39 AM on Jun. 20, 2013

  • Work on mending what has broken the family.
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 11:40 AM on Jun. 20, 2013

  • Unless she is mentally unstable I do not understand what made her change, like you I am stunned at the hate, but look closer into this relationship hun, people do not become like this over night.....sounds to me therapy might help here, things need to be said out loud in order for you to understand the change in her...
    older

    Answer by older at 12:39 PM on Jun. 20, 2013

  • Sadly my first thought was drugs and I certainly would not have her staying under my roof unless she has an exit interview and a physical. Those are what some businesses do and in your situation she is treating you in this way.
    As I read through you post the words I see most often as we paid for and money. You can not but love or loyalty.
    However if this is her feeling then I would let her go but tell her the door is always open and you are but a phonecall away.
    I do suggest that you stop giving her any other moneys.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 12:46 PM on Jun. 20, 2013

  • I would have a sit-down with her. The first thing I would ask would be for her to tell me where she thinks I have messed up this relationship. I would have a piece of paper and a pencil; I would make a list of what she tells me. Then I would ask her if she thought she had done anything to contribute to the break-down of the relationship; I would write those things down, as well. Do not refute anything she says. Just listen and write. Then, I would probably tell her I needed some time to think about all that she has told me. Then set a date and time to revisit your discussion. Then I would honestly consider all that she has said to see if there is any merit in it or if there's anything for which I need to apologize and ask forgiveness. We all make mistakes with our children, and perceived mistreatment to a child is as real as if you had beaten her. Sometimes, an honest look at ourselves is all that's needed!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 12:50 PM on Jun. 20, 2013

  • I am going through the same thing with my adult DD's.
    Just make sure she knows you are their for her. But do not take any shit from her any more. Time for her to move out.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 1:15 PM on Jun. 20, 2013

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