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13 year old son problems

My 13 year old son gets very angry and then we discipline him....today we told him he was grounded because he talks back to us and when I called him from work, he hung up on me. He was sent to his room where he proceeded to jump out the window and go to his friends house.....now my husband is livid. What do we do?

NEXT DAY

He and my husband aren't talking and I am always the 'peace maker'. I sat them both down and told them that when everyone is calm, we need to talk about what happened, why it escalated, why he felt that he needed to disobey by jumping out the window and going to his friends house. My son was ready to talk but my husband got up, walked past us and went to bed. It was 6:00! Now it's morning and my husband went to work, I'm home from work for today and my son is sitting here crying. I'm so lost. I really don't know how to parent.

I agree with all of you and my husband NEEDS to get help to control his anger.  I'm sometimes more mad at him than my son.  They feed off of each others anger.  Now my husband came home from work and my son retreated to his room and my husband just passed him and went outside.  No words were exchanged.  It's almost like I have 2 teenagers.  I think I'm just going to talk with my husband and let him know that his anger is a lot of the problem and he needs to deal with it.  If he wants to leave me, so be it.

Answer Question
 
try2Bagdmom

Asked by try2Bagdmom at 4:59 PM on Jun. 21, 2013 in Teens (13-17)

Level 2 (4 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • report him as a runaway and let the police bring him home.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:15 PM on Jun. 21, 2013

  • Proceed to take every thing out of his room, including his door.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 5:19 PM on Jun. 21, 2013

  • why is he getting angry?

    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 5:23 PM on Jun. 21, 2013

  • The first thing I would do is lock the doors, just so that when you son comes home, he has to knock or ring the bell. It's what my parents did to my brother when he pulled that stunt, and it sent a subtle but clear message about who was in charge. I would take away most or all privileges and make the kid earn them back, but I'd also try to get to the bottom of what is making him so angry and rebellious, so talking in an adult and civil manner and being truthful and willing to communicate would be part of how he could earn back the privileges. If he makes a habit of running away, having the police march him home might not be a bad idea.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 5:54 PM on Jun. 21, 2013

  • It sounds like he's around some bad influences and no matter what you do, those influences will override yours. Consider moving him to another school. Some parents list their child as living with a relative just to change school districts. You also need to get to the root of what is causing him to act out. Ask him outright why he's angry all the time. In the future don't just ground him. Make his punishments more effective by involving community service time or real chores.He'll learn his lesson after he's tired and sore from doing real work. Watch some episodes of The Word's Strictest Parents on YouTube when you can to pick up some strategies. Lock the door and don't let him have access to his stuff until he apologizes and agrees to abide by your rules. Be sure to schedule a really fun activity or nice meal to remind him of what benefits he misses out on when he breaks the rules. Let him smell but dont eat it until he agrees
    hellokittykat

    Answer by hellokittykat at 7:55 PM on Jun. 21, 2013

  • He's showing you how disconnected he is from you, and how little power you actually have to "enforce" anything (except by resorting to force.)
    He's showing you graphically how alienated he feels & how little your relationship "commands," right now.
    My advice is to recognize that. Notice how livid you feel, and what is behind that (a sense of powerlessness, frustration, fear, helplessness, grief, self-doubt, incompetence?) Those are the sort of painful, threatening feelings that fuel fury. Anger is a self-protective instinct, but it exacerbates the root problem (disconnect.)
    Recognize your fury & reflect on the dynamic. How each time you escalated things, your son broadcasted that he could answer back (he could just hang up, or leave), escalating things further. Reflect on how you've been caught in a reactive cycle, how this impasse highlights a lack of connection, & how further escalation leads to MORE relationship erosion!
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 6:58 AM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • Decide that you want to shift things, so that HOW you respond to problematic behaviors does not inadvertently undermine the foundation of your parental power (and I am thinking more of something analogous to "power steering" or "power windows" or "power-assisted brakes" rather than brute strength or overwhelming force, when I refer to "parental power.") If your responses cause further disconnect & alienation, they can't help. They can only lead to more of the same, to which you can respond in kind (with further escalation & alienation, and application of more & more force.)
    I would use the present dynamic as a wake up call, a signal that the relationship/attachment is in rough shape & that my present strategies to responding to things that are a problem to me (his talking back, his subsequent defiance of my discipline) contribute to the disconnect. Then it's a matter of shifting to different strategies that SUPPORT connection!
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:11 AM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • I can recommend three titles that could help in concrete ways with making that sort of shift.

    Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) by Thomas Gordon
    How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber & Mazlish
    Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate

    The last book presents Neufeld's (Canadian developmental psychologist) perspective on what's happening when parents encounter similar difficulties with their kids (when "cracking down" on undesirable behaviors results in opposition & ultimately an escalations that reveal a loss of parent-child connection.) He points out how many routine parental tactics undermine the relationship, thus undermining parental influence, and he advocates a response TO the situation you're facing that supports & strengthens the relationship.
    Gabor Mate, MD has a book on ADD (Scattered) that includes helpful parenting responses.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:23 AM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • what about some family counseling?
    sounds like your son is NOT the only one who needs some help
    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 2:15 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • I don't blame your husband but...he needs to act like an adult and talk. I'd have a chat with dh. Then try the sit down again. You need to get to the bottom of why your son is so mad. Then make sure dad is on board and make some serious changes,
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 2:20 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

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