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My husband and I are separated by his choice. I want the divorce and now all of a sudden he's changed his mind, but for 7 months now I can't see ever being with him again. I don't want to disappoint our two children (7 and 4) but I also do not want to be married to this man any longer! We get along better separated than we have in years. How do I make such a tough decision?

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proudmomma2420

Asked by proudmomma2420 at 5:13 PM on Jun. 22, 2013 in Relationships

Level 1 (2 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • You already made it. There's no love there, and by forcing separation he did a really good job of making you see that!
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 5:16 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • You answered your own question. get the divorce
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 5:16 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • What caused him to change his mind?
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 5:18 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • Your children will be better off with two divorced parents than they will be in a family that is grudgingly held together so as not to disappoint them.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 5:19 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • Don't get back with him just because of the kids. How do they (the kids) know about the maybe getting back together?
    I do not believe in either staying with or getting back together for the kids. You said you do not want to get back together. Don't.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 5:20 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • It would be so hard on the kids if you got back together and then left again, or got back together and were miserable! Hugs mama, I would stay apart.
    JackieGirl007

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 6:09 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • Get the divorce. Getting back with him is the WORST thing you could do for the kids. Don't do it.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:09 AM on Jun. 23, 2013

  • I don't think anyone here can tell you how to make such a tough decision, particularly based on the limited info you provided.
    I don't think "not wanting to be married any longer" implies one specific outcome. I think it signals a clear problem & (likely) many issues of conflict in your relationship, and specifically signals the need & desire for CHANGE.
    Divorce is one way of responding to that, but not the only way or necessarily the "right" way.
    I think a lot depends on how you respond to your issues, what kind of support you get/what approach you take. That will really determine whether you can hope for actual resolution of your relationship problems, or not.
    virginiamama's question "What caused him to change his mind?" is a good one.
    But regardless, it's normal to have second thoughts, or second-guess your decision to end a marriage, when you're contemplating breaking up a family.
    What matters is HOW you proceed.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 8:43 AM on Jun. 24, 2013

  • I think your feelings tell you that "just deciding" to stay together after all is NOT going to be sufficient. Your feelings are telling you that you want/need change! That isn't a matter of trying harder, or just "changing your minds."
    But the feeling of wanting to try harder, to reconsider and NOT proceed on to divorce, can be a vote of confidence and can suggest that the willingness to seek help for MAKING change is there.
    If that is true, then I don't think it's unreasonable to consider that.
    Thinking of your kids is not a bad thing to do, nor is there one automatic answer.
    I think it's important to recognize that IF staying together is to be good for you & good for your family/children, it will need to involve change, or something new in HOW you are relating. Your marriage will have to BECOME something you want and then it will be good for the kids, as well as for both of you.
    When I read books by people
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 8:48 AM on Jun. 24, 2013

  • like Daniel Siegel or John Amodeo, I realize that even deeply dysfunctional, highly-strained couples can make big changes if they have the right support to see them each positively & unconditionally (understanding them accurately--even their destructive or problematic tendencies & patterns--for what they intend or for what the purposes behind their automatic behaviors are) so that they can see/understand themselves (individually) more clearly, and eventually can begin to understand their partner with more insight as well. Along with this comes increasing self-responsibility, and with that, clearer communication that is naturally less likely to trigger automatic reactions in the other person. Being able to communicate constructively (rather than reactively) when something upsetting or frustrating is happening makes a big difference in how the "issue" unfolds between partners. That's change!
    Siegel's case studies are insightful.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 8:57 AM on Jun. 24, 2013

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