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I feel like I have turned my back on my daughter!!

My daughter is 25 Years old and has 3 young boys. About a 1 1/2 years ago she basically abandon her children. At the time we lived in seperate states; she left all 3 boys with my mother their great grandmother and was supposed to come back in a couple days - she didn't come back, she didn't call, she would not accept calls; this went on for 2 months and I made the decision to quit my job, move back and take the boys into my home. It has been a year and a half since they have seen their mom or dad. They are now 6, 3 and 2. My daughter calls me and wants to let someone drop her off at my house and wants to live me. I told she could not she had to take parenting classes, go to rehab and pass a drug test before she can be around them. I feel horrible it broke my heart to tell her no.

Answer Question
 
confusedinOK

Asked by confusedinOK at 8:27 PM on Jun. 22, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (10 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • You need to protect and advocate for the children. Someone has to be the responsible adult. If she really wants it she will work to earn your trust back. I'm sorry you feel bad about it though.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 8:29 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • Did you get custody of the kids?
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 8:34 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • You are responsible for your grand babies well being. You absolutely did the right thing, don't beat yourself up over it.
    funlovinlady

    Answer by funlovinlady at 8:35 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • You did the right thing. Did you file for custody or file abandonment charges? If not I would do that now or she has every right to take her children with her wherever she wishes to go. If you have I would call the police depatement of CPS so that they are aware that she is back and what they would suggest you do.
    I would also not help her unless she had a job and continued to work for a specified amount of time, UNLESS, there is a very good reason for her behavior (the ex threatened her and then kidnapped her and then I would require that she file charges.

    Did you file a missing person's? If you did you also will want the police to know that she has been located
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 8:36 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • It's just me and the boys living togeather. I was granted full guardianship of the boys last June; the oldest had to start school and the 3 year needed extensive dental work which I could not provide without the parents consent which at the time they refused to talk to anyone other than their own freinds. I think my biggest concern is discerning rather or not she is really wanting help to change her life or if she simply had no where else to go; I want her to get better but, this last year has been heart breaking for everyone and in order to get the boys life back on track and stable my life and world had to revolve around them. I want to help her but, I don't want to allow a situation to happen that will bring heartache and confusion for them again. They need to see their mom..they love and miss her but, I'm exhausted.

    confusedinOK

    Comment by confusedinOK (original poster) at 8:53 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • You definitely did the right thing, but I know it must have hurt. Think of it this way, though. Your daughter is an adult who has made some very bad decisions. The children are in a tough spot, but they had no choice in the matter, no control over what happened to them. You are their advocate. Your daughter, on the other hand, has choices she can make to change her situation. You outlined them for her so she knows exactly what they are. For the sake of your grandsons, stick to your guns.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 9:30 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • It's call tough love. You are right she needs to grow up and be responsible for her actions. In the meantime you need to keep the grandchildren safe.
    2autisticsmom

    Answer by 2autisticsmom at 9:33 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • They need to see their mom..they love and miss her

    nobody NEEDS to see a strung out junkie
    put the kids before the adult
    GL
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 9:51 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • It sounds like you are prepared to be disappointed if you were to let her in. Like somewhere deep down you know she isn't ready and you don't really trust that she wants to put her life back together. Trust your instincts, most of the time they know better than our own reasoning.

    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 9:53 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • You're doing the right thing. Kids need LOVE and it doesn't matter if you're the "real" mom or not.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 11:47 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

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