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Just curious...

Are any of you married to a very lazy man? I am, and I am obviously not going to change him at this stage of the game. How have you dealt with this or found a way to cope with it, other than resorting to heavy drinking or murder?


Asked by Anonymous at 11:09 PM on Jun. 22, 2013 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  • As in, see the patterns as an indication that he is getting by (managing a variety of emotional issues and keeping discomfort & emotional distress at bay) in a way that lets him function but really only minimally, because it compromises the quality of his connections with partner & family as well as his authentic engagement in life.
    The "laziness" happens for a reason (that is about automatic self-protection, coping, survival.) And it signals what is unsatisfactory about the strategy, thus what is ultimately hurtful. (This is true of all "self-protective" behaviors, to some degree.)

    You can't effectively address it with appeals, or criticism/complaints, or making a case for how unfair, unreasonable or selfish it is.

    Those things all make it about "choice" & a character issue, rather than recognizing the dynamic (that it is self-protective & thus has a valuable purpose & deep validity, despite being misguided & problematic.)

    Answer by girlwithC at 4:16 AM on Jun. 24, 2013

  • How lazy is he? does he go to work andcome home and lay around? And is never motivated to do anything with the family?

    Or does he not work at all and expect everyone to take care of him?

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 11:12 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • Depending on how lazy he is, it's just a condition you'll have to work around. Factor his attitude and actions into the plans you make so you aren't expecting him to be what he isn't.

    Answer by Ballad at 11:16 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • My dh has always busted his rump. I was with a guy who was lazy and I was the main provider I kicked him to the curb.

    Answer by funlovinlady at 11:22 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • Since my husband developed heart disease and diabetes, he does not do as much. He doesn't see it or he is just plain too tired.
    I pick up the slack.

    Answer by Dardenella at 12:11 AM on Jun. 23, 2013

  • Tell him he will need to contribute more than 1/2 for household expenses in order to cover for paying for someone to do his half of the household chores and/or yard work. Does he at least have time for you or you & the kids? If not, counseling or a lawyer, it's up to you on what you're willing to tolerate & for how long. GL


    Answer by mrsmom110 at 5:28 PM on Jun. 23, 2013

  • Sorry you are dealing with that.

    Answer by morebee7 at 3:34 AM on Jun. 24, 2013

  • I'm not in a situation like that but I would view it as a symptom of something (he is that way for a reason, not "that's the way he IS.") I also would assume that our existing patterns of trying to "address" it contribute to the existing dynamic, and aren't likely to help much (because of the automatic responses they set up.)

    I'd probably see it as his degree of functioning (relatively disconnected, uninvolved) reflecting his coping/survival strategies.

    If I wanted something different from the status quo, I probably would seek counseling support. Either find a therapist for myself (this can help relationship dynamics to change dramatically, even if you identify all/most of the problems with other people in the relationship!) or broach the possibility of relationship counseling with my partner.

    I think it is accurate (as well as constructive) to see the patterns as reflecting a person's feelings & learned coping strategy.

    Answer by girlwithC at 4:05 AM on Jun. 24, 2013

  • other than resorting to heavy drinking

    is this our binge drinker from earlier today?
    if so, please place this question into the validation question

    if not...never mind

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:13 PM on Jun. 22, 2013

  • He works at night (he's a musician) and really does nothing else. He pays half of the bills but contributes nothing else to the household.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:15 PM on Jun. 22, 2013