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3 Bumps

How to tell my boyfriend I had a miscarriage?

I've been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for about 3-4 months now and I had no idea I was pregnant; we were *not* trying to conceive and I miscarried (@ around 5 weeks; confirmed with my Dr and have a D&C scheduled for tomorrow due to HEAVY bleeding and severe pain). His mother has been on both of us to 'give her a grandbaby' as has my own - we want to wait (give our relationship time to grow and progress naturally) and although we're exclusive, committed and frequently discuss our future, both of us are still working at a more relaxed pace.

We've discussed that ideally, if things work out, that we would wait a year, year and a half to try to have a baby. We've also agreed that if I were to get pregnant at any point prior, we would most certainly keep the baby (rather than abort - I'm not looking to get pregnant but if it happens, I'm intent on keeping the child as I'm 32 years old and it would be the responsible thing to do; he agrees).

He always wants to spend time together with his 3 year-old nephew (he makes the effort to coordinate our time when he will have him around) and seems to want a child - even though we agreed on waiting, I can sense his desire to 'settle down' (based on his words, actions, etc - I'm not deluded) and feel that he is moving more slowly to appease me (he's suggested that he's interested in moving in together and has initiated conversations regarding this). The relationship is still growing and I know that to have a child this quickly would not be ideal, however I still feel that it's a huge loss.

I'd like to be completely honest with him about as he has a right to know but he has to work tomorrow (Friday) and I don't want to stress him out as he is a veteran and suffers from PTSD and mild, occasional depression. I also won't be seeing him face to face until Saturday. I feel that a phone call would simply be too impersonal. I have absolutely NO idea how he would handle this information. His family is extremely tight-knit and this news will devastate his mother. He will definitely tell his brother, mother, stepfather, etc.

He's aware that I'm going to the GYN tomorrow but doesn't know why; he simply knows I'm having an 'issue'.

Do I tell him now or would it be best to wait until I can discuss this with him face to face?

I'm just seeking guidance as to an appropriate way to let him know.

Thanks in advance!

EDIT: Neither he nor I had any idea I was pregnant - if he KNEW I had been, I'd simply have asked whether it would be best if over the phone/face to face rather than explain all of the above in detail. He has no idea at all at this point.

I'm also afraid that if I don't tell him and he somehow finds out at a later date, he will be extremely upset that I didn't let him know initially. It's the way he and his family are - this is why I'm confused/seeking guidance.

Apparently I'm failing in getting this across properly:

1) I'd NEVER 'trap' any man by way of pregnancy - that type of behavior is unacceptable in my opinion. This was not a decision on either part - it simply happened.

2) I'm not 'ready' to have a child and again, as stated above - HE has been taking things more slowly on my account. He's already tried to discuss moving in together, the future, etc - *I* am the one who wants to take things slowly and be sure that we're in a healthy relationship and know each other better before the babies/domestic partnership/etc.

3) As for the PTSD/'mental' issues: he's not a loose cannon or anything, he simply has PTSD from being a Marine and serving time in Iraq. The depression is mild, not severe. I just don't want to add to his stress when he has to go to work.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:51 PM on Jun. 27, 2013 in Pregnancy

Answers (19)
  • Boyfriend, I have had a miscarriage???
    m-avi

    Answer by m-avi at 8:55 PM on Jun. 27, 2013

  • Just say it. Do it face to face if you need the support.
    2autisticsmom

    Answer by 2autisticsmom at 8:55 PM on Jun. 27, 2013

  • I really don't see the point in HAVING to tell him.. you can't take back what happened, it will not help his PTSD. Avoid family drama if you know his mother is going to react like that.

    You're asking for unnecessary stress.
    anestheticsex

    Answer by anestheticsex at 8:57 PM on Jun. 27, 2013

  • If he knows you were pregnant. Just call him. I do not see the problem with telling him on the phone. You have only known him 4 months.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 9:06 PM on Jun. 27, 2013

  • This is best done face to face.....
    older

    Answer by older at 9:09 PM on Jun. 27, 2013

  • Tell him. Then reevaluate the decision to try to have babies so fast if you said you would wait a year and he has mental issues. Don't trap the guy especially if he only "seems" he wants a child based on up your observation of his interaction with his nephew or what you sense because you could very well be wrong.

    All I can say us good luck but you all really should get to know each other before rushing into all of this.
    Izsarejman

    Answer by Izsarejman at 9:15 PM on Jun. 27, 2013

  • face to face
    and i would let me know that it is between the two of you
    WHY would he go telling his family when he did not even know you were pregnant
    AND, you two have only know each other for a few months
    imo= not his business to tell anyone

    i think you are smart for taking it slow
    both sets of parents pushing for grandchildren - odd to me

    sorry for your loss
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 9:43 PM on Jun. 27, 2013

  • @fiatpax - thank you. He's VERY close with his family - they seem to act as a unit; when we started dating he introduced me to his family and since we've spent quite a bit of time with them. His brother happens to be the person he confides in and they're very 'Southern' (I am not; I'm from NY, recently moved south, don't really have a tight family so this is a different experience for me) - the family is tight and they like to handle their issues as a family. If he tells his brother, his brother will more than likely tell his mother.

    The whole 'pushing for grandchildren' thing is odd to me as well... he hasn't been involved with anyone for a long time. He was engaged previously (a couple of years back) and according to both him and his family, hadn't found anyone he felt was worthwhile until he met me. They simply view this as 'he's met this woman who makes him happy and we like her; why wait?' whereas I'm more cautious.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:01 PM on Jun. 27, 2013

  • hugsI'm so sorry for your loss. You have to tell him. It's not fair to him or to you to keep this from him. If at all possible, I would do it face to face. Simply tell him that you have found out that the "issue" you are having is because you were pregnant but something went wrong. If you hide it from him to save him the stress, he may see it as you were hiding something more. You never want to plant that seed. Plus wouldn't it be better to have him there beside you? I get that his family is close and wouldn't ask him not to share this as he will also need his families help in healing. I would maybe just ask that he not share all the details with his family.

    tempsingl3mom

    Answer by tempsingl3mom at 12:09 AM on Jun. 28, 2013

  • I'm sorry for your loss. Give yourself permission to grieve, even if the baby wasn't planned and you hadn't gotten very far yet, because you feel you have suffered a loss and that's what matters. There's no easy way to tell your boyfriend, there just isn't. I'd wait till you see him face to face and then break the news calmly and gently, without beating around the bush, and give him room to react in whatever way he sees fit.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 12:35 AM on Jun. 28, 2013

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