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4 Bumps

DOES HE WORK TO MUCH OR AM I CRAZY?

I feel selfish and sometimes ungrateful for feeling like this but i do. I feel ungrateful for asking and it took a lot for me to do so, so here it goes. My husband for 3 years. We are starting over from kids and bad divorces. He works 16 hours a day and he works hard. Oh, 7 days a week i forgot and if a day off well he sleeps. He pays all of the bills, gets the mail etc. Since the year has started we have gone to breakfast once and dinner. We do noit do anything. Im home with 3 kids twins 7 and 8. I barely have gas in my vehicle enough to go to the grocery store or an emergency. Never any cash in my hand. We have a beautiful 5 bedroom home and I just assume we are house poor`. I thought maybe I was bored and should go back to work. But I dont think that will work. Could he be addicted to providing? I mean I feel like I am alone we dont have sex he is too tired. He passes out before the sheets settle.

Answer Question
 
finazzom

Asked by finazzom at 9:12 PM on Jun. 30, 2013 in Relationships

Level 2 (6 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • Have you talked to him about this? Maybe he thinks he is doing what you want, making you happy.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 9:20 PM on Jun. 30, 2013

  • Do you know what makes him feel loved. And if you know what that is, are you doing it? It's probably not the same thing as makes you feel loved. When men don't feel loved, they usually work harder and sleep more. Just from what you have told us here, I would start by telling him every day how much I appreciate how hard he works for the family and I would do some special act of kindness for him every day. I would also tell him that I would be willing to live in a smaller house if it meant he wouldn't have to work so hard.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:22 PM on Jun. 30, 2013

  • He pretty much just fluffs me off. I know its just to make me happy. But I am not happy. I really feel alone. Well I am 16 hours of the day and then I have a sleeping partner at night. If I do get an answer its mostly "I have to! But I really think if I go back to work he will work just as much. His Mother is the same way and she is 64 and alone. But there a other big issues on why she is alone, lol, sorry but its true, lolol. He makes 4000 to 6,000 a month. Our rent is 1500 and our power is 400-600. No car payments just insurance. He has a 500 child support payment. I guess it doesnt leave alot. I have suggested moving in a smaller house because you cant replace time. A house is not worth missing him all of the time....Maybe I dont know how to say it without feeling like an ungreatful bitch. I mean the man is a worker I cannot stress how much I appreciate it. But, I dont want him to kill himself either!
    finazzom

    Comment by finazzom (original poster) at 9:30 PM on Jun. 30, 2013

  • I call him 3 to 4 times a day to check on him to make sure he is okay. Its hot in Vegas and he is constantly in the heat and in Death Valley. I have dinner on the stove every night. I take very good care of him. I make it a point to tell him I love him. I rub that mans feet with pride and he deserves it. Maybe I should just go and find a house and make him? Or, maybe I should just shut up count my blessings and hope next year will be worth all of it. Or, start with a new house and a new job and hope for the best.
    finazzom

    Comment by finazzom (original poster) at 9:37 PM on Jun. 30, 2013

  • Have you suggested you going to work? Are there ways you can cut back on things (like turning off lights when not in use, buying more energy efficient lightbulbs, perhaps raising your insurance deductibles) to make the money stretch?
    What about selling something on the side like Avon?
    Have you ever read the book "The 5 Love Languages"? The basic idea behind it is that there are 5 basic ways that everyone feels loved. Some people feel love by encouraging words, some by acts of service, some by gifts, some by quality time and some by physical touch. Once you learn and begin to speak their language, life is a bit easier.
    tempsingl3mom

    Answer by tempsingl3mom at 9:38 PM on Jun. 30, 2013

  • You barely have gas in your car and you are complaining about him working all the time to make ends meet? Its time to sit down with him and have a one on one honest talk. Take a look at your budget and see where things can be cut out. Return to work and work while the kids are in school. Once you have a good bit in savings, then maybe he will be able to not work as much.

    JeremysMom

    Answer by JeremysMom at 10:31 PM on Jun. 30, 2013

  • 4000 month pay (go with the low end for budgeting)
    1500 rent leaves 2500
    500 child support leaves 2000
    600 power (go with the HIGH end here for budgeting) leaves 1400 a month to live on.

    And he's working 16 hours a day to make that much, right? It seems to me if he worked less than that, you'd be on the street. And even if you move, the average rental cost in the Las Vegas area is $1k/mo.

    Sounds to me like you need to start earning to have even a prayer of him working less.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:08 PM on Jun. 30, 2013

  • The money is going somewhere. You need to start communicating. Whether you need to or not, you might consider going to work if your kids are in school at least part time. If nothing else it will get you out for a few hours a day.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 11:09 PM on Jun. 30, 2013

  • You should just appreciate the fact that he does want to provide and that he's not a loser that makes you do everything. You should look into working part-time to relieve him from the stress and need to work those long hours. Can you pet sit or walk dogs? Babysit a couple more kids while you're at home for extra money? When the kids are at school, you need to be working. Please do not have any more kids unless you can afford them. So many people in general are having kids and not realizing how expensive and time-consuming it is. In general you should have 2 working parents with stable careers before having kids. I don't know where people get the idea that you have to have kids at a certain age or when you're married. You have kids when you have the time and money to devote to them. When you relieve his burden, your sex life will return to normal.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:30 AM on Jul. 1, 2013

  • If you barely have gas for your car, then it sounds like he works so much because he needs to. Looking at everything you wrote, I'd say that you need to both move into a smaller house and return to work. Lowering your expenses while also increasing your income should relieve his stress in trying to provide for all of you as things are now. If he still continues to work like this after that, then you know he's a workaholic and you have to decide whether or not you can live with it. But I'd start with moving and finding a job, because I really think that could solve (at least most of) this.

    I would also make sure that he knows how much you appreciate him working so hard. If he's feeling stressed over trying to provide, it'll be easy for him to take an innocent comment about missing him and turn it into you blaming him or being ungrateful. Tell him you appreciate all his hard work, you're proud of him, etc.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 7:40 AM on Jul. 1, 2013

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