Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

4 Bumps

Sigh. Why can't she just leave me alone?

Back in April,i had a nervous breakdown of sorts,when it came to my mother. I just woke up one day and realized that i just couldn't do it anymore. When she would call,my nerves would be on edge,i'd be in a pissy mood,and i'd feel like crying. We used to pick her up,have lunch (on us everytime) and take her shopping. The whole time all she did was bitch bitch bitch.
I realized that the thought of doing that even ONE more time was going to make me explode. Out of the blue,i broke down and cried my eyes out for a few hours,and felt like total shit for a week after.I ignored her calls,and then one day,i made the mistake of not looking at the caller ID,and it was her. I told her i was done. I couldn't go on with a relationship with her. There was nothing more to say that had not already been said a 1000 timer before,and those fights went nowhere.
She started calling 10 times a day,then gave up. Then the letter arrived.
She "deserves" to know why i'm not answering her,she didn't do anything....
I ignored it.
Another letter arrived today.
She doesn't "deserve to be treated like this.If it weren't for her i wouldn't even exist,that i guess it's too embarrassing to be seen with her,I always wanted to hurt her"
I just had a moment when i realized that i couldn't forgive someone who doesn't even care if she hurt me,someone who denies that anything ever happened. I tried SOOO hard to be the bigger person and to let the past go and move on,but my subconscious eats at me all the time. I still have nightmares. (For those that don't know,my mom married a convicted sex offender when I was 15,and he almost raped me after several years of attempted "grooming". She knew what he was doing,and ok'ed it)
All I want to do is live my life in peace.
Contacting her in any way is just going to start a downward spiral


Asked by butterflyblue19 at 6:02 PM on Jul. 2, 2013 in Relationships

Level 50 (383,297 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (35)
  • I think you did the right thing for your own sanity. She survived all those years before you were born then she can make her own way now. It may be very good for her too. Hugs :(

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 6:17 PM on Jul. 2, 2013

  • stop opening her letters!
    she sees herself as the victim- not victimizer
    she is toxic

    if you accidentally answer the phone hang up- no explanation required. just hang up

    remember there is a difference between being the bigger person and being a punching bag


    Answer by feralxat at 6:27 PM on Jul. 2, 2013

  • Butterfly, you don't need this. I know how it eats at you--been there, done that, still doing it--but you've already given your mother more chances than most saints would even consider granting. You have to look out for yourself and your family now. Damn, even the letters you paraphrased in your question are all about *her.* Selfishness is oozing out of my computer monitor! *She deserves ... *she* didn't do anything ... without *her* you wouldn't exist ... somebody get me a bucket so I can hurl!

    I posted a question the other day--so much for going Anon at the time, but I think this needs to be said--and I got some very astute advice from my fellow CM members. Please click this link:

    Answer by Ballad at 6:27 PM on Jul. 2, 2013

  • She's the one that told me to not make waves,that she deserved to be happy

    Fine, then let her be happy--somewhere else. You don't need this stone around your neck, any more than I need the one I've got. I'm misty-eyed as I write this because I know what you went through; I spent years not making waves, not telling anybody anything because I wanted my family to stay together for the sake of my siblings. It's a different tale, but the same heartbreak. You've almost set yourself free; all you have to do is cut the last thread. Write "Return to Sender" on the envelope, this time and every time your mother writes to you, and shoot it back where it came from.

    "I succeeded in spite of you, not because of you. All you contributed to me was genetic material" "You are self-created, your own mother and father." (Thanks, Gdiamante.)

    Answer by Ballad at 6:48 PM on Jul. 2, 2013

  • Just use this experience to be the mother your own never was, I know you have already done this and will continue to do so...look for the good in the bad love, this lesson that was taught to you by your own flesh and blood will forever make you a great mom, never wanting your own to go through what you went through and are going through now. Although I know it pains you to have contact with her, how about your children, so they know their grandma, and if so how is she with them?If there is no contact with those children then discard her, and reject every effort she does to contact you, tell her that there can never be a relationship until she owns up to what she did and recognizes her failure, maybe then, there might be a chance. If this does not happen, just live your life, and she will know why.....

    Answer by older at 7:47 PM on Jul. 2, 2013

  • My daughter is going through something like this with her father. After making it more than clear that his new wife, held way more importance in his life than she did, my daughter, and her father came to the conclusion that they needed some time apart. That was 13 years ago. Recently he has been trying to get her to contact him. My daughter does not feel emotionally ready to talk to him. Especially if he won't acknowldge how much he hurt her. So far he still thinks he did nothing wrong. She has decided to seek counceling. Maybe you might consider counceling to help you find the best way to emotionaly deal with your mother.

    Answer by musicmaker at 6:14 PM on Jul. 2, 2013

  • Sounds to me like it might be time to get a no-contact order.

    NO ONE deserves to be set that on edge about anything. If you want no contact, then you should get no contact.

    Answer by Rosehawk at 6:31 PM on Jul. 2, 2013

  • As far as I can tell, you have every reason to excise her from your life. If even responding to her mail is too much to deal with, then just don't. You might want to rehearse something short to say to her if you forget the caller ID again, just so you don't lose your composure. I'm picturing something like "I want nothing to do with you anymore. Do not contact me again. Goodbye."

    Answer by SWasson at 6:35 PM on Jul. 2, 2013

  • She sounds like she is one of those people who can't own up to their mistakes.....but like someone else said guilt means you did something wrong. She sounds very selfish love, but you have over come this, and for this you are and will continue to be a much better mother for this. Did you two ever try therapy? it sounds that she could benefit from this and maybe so could you. It creates havoc in anyone emotionally to know that the one person that was suppose to be there to protect you didn't! and if you do not get the validation you need that she screwed up, this relationship will continue to go down hill, so I guess cutting the ties might be best. But do not think for a minute that this will end if you cut her out, this is an issue that will bug you for life, unless it is validated and brought out in the open. big warm tight hugs again!

    Answer by older at 7:00 PM on Jul. 2, 2013

  • She is toxic and this emotional blackmail is something you don't need or deserve.

    Answer by Izsarejman at 7:37 PM on Jul. 2, 2013