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How do I deal with my 15 year old daughter?

My fifteen year old lived with my ex-husband for a period of time before we got divorced.
He was using meth and drinking beer every day but she never said anything to me. She decided to go with him because she loves him so very much. Ever since she came back to live with me, she has been very angry and even when i talk to her, she gets annoyed. I don't know if it has to do with her changing hormones or has to do with the dad's issue. She doesn't like to hang around with friends because we don't have a car. He took both cars. and now I'm struggling and she is super embarrassed. It's been almost a year and things are slowly getting better. She is a very tough and very strong kid. I really admire her strength.
She is an A+ student, is worth to mention not just because she is my daughter, that she is the most wonderful person I've ever known. If someone can help me get into her awesome head with feelings and soul I would really appreciate your advice, thank you!

Answer Question
 
_janet

Asked by _janet at 8:21 PM on Jul. 2, 2013 in Teens (13-17)

Level 1 (2 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • why did she move back in?
    is she using?
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 8:28 PM on Jul. 2, 2013

  • Your Ex is her bio dad? Why did she come back to live with you? Why did she live with him and not you in the begining?
    She is a teen That is some of the problem/ hormones.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 8:33 PM on Jul. 2, 2013

  • When she gets angry, ow does she treat you? Because getting angry is okay; she's been through a lot. But treating you disrespectfully is not okay.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 8:34 PM on Jul. 2, 2013

  • When she was living with her father, how much time did you spend with her?
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 9:20 PM on Jul. 2, 2013

  • ...and she was never heard from again
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 9:23 PM on Jul. 2, 2013

  • Try listening instead of talking. She's probably got sufficient ears full of other people's words for the duration...
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 12:00 AM on Jul. 3, 2013

  • Why the anger? That would be my question. There is something else going on, either drugs, alcohol, boyfriend or abuse of some kind, even bullying. I hate to say it but that would be my guess. Any chance of getting her to a therapist?
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 12:07 AM on Jul. 3, 2013

  • 15, divorced parents, druggie father, angry yup.

    Maybe she needs a professional to talk with
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 1:07 AM on Jul. 3, 2013

  • 15 can be a vulnerable age, in terms of caring about what other people think of you, worrying about what they (might) think, and feeling acutely embarrassed or ashamed of things you perceive as stigmatizing.
    The fact that she avoids "hanging out with friends" because you are struggling & you don't have a car suggests that she is feeling some shame. It is natural (predictable) for this to be expressed as anger & intolerance. (Shame is painfully personal & deeply undermining; anger & irritability is a way of sending personally threatening feelings OUT, and focusing them on someone else. In that sense, anger is always self-protective, or a defense mechanism.)
    In any case, responding constructively to what is in front of you (even when it's a problem or a symptom--something you wish would change or resolve) is an important parenting focus. It is in our RESPONSE to "what Is" that we can mobilize energy toward change. Struggling TO
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:11 AM on Jul. 6, 2013

  • change something tends to be much less effective when it comes to actual change. (Resistance & "effort to change" tends to mobilize counter-resistance & reinforce the present dynamic.)
    Responding constructively to whatever situation your child presents you with is a matter of bringing acceptance to that moment, and to that reality. Instead of trying identify the "cause" of her anger & "deal with it," it would be entirely valid & probably helpful simply to accept that she seems angry/irritable, and to find some way of responding to those feelings in the moment that brings acceptance. Think in terms of unconditional love--what response would communicate that you actually accept her as she is? (i.e.,she doesn't have to change or adapt herself in order to be acceptable to you.)
    Reflective listening is a powerful tool.
    Check out "Parent Effectiveness Training" or "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk"
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:18 AM on Jul. 6, 2013

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